The New Adventures of Old Christine

What's going on here? You guys having a doughnut sale?

Those are for the dance committee. Do you wanna volunteer?

No, I can't. I'm a single mom with no nanny

and a full-time job that I go to sometimes, so...

Fine, don't volunteer. But we're not spying on Ritchie for you at the dance.

Nice try. Ritchie's not going to the dance.

There're girls there.

He's going. Britney B asked him and he said yes.

Britney B?

Which one is that?

Is that the one with the gray tooth?

Britney L.

- Boy haircut? - That's Britney M.

Crazy eyes?

That's Britney K.

- How do you not know your Britneys? - It's like you don't even care.

Britney B is the most popular girl in school.

That Britney B?

She asked Ritchie to go to the dance? She's totally cute!

She was an extra in High School Musical .

How did this happen?

I don't know, I just figured it was a Make-A-Wish Foundation thing.

All I know is it broke my poor Kelsey's heart.

Your daughter wanted to go to the dance with Ritchie too?

God, of course not, no.

No, Kelsey has a little thing for Britney B.

Shut up! It's normal for this age.

Doesn't help that she wears steel-toe Doc Martens.

May turn a few heads in the girls' locker room, but boys like dainty.

You know, it's for safety.

She's accident-prone.

And she likes boys...

and softball.

And field hockey.

And Hilary Swank.

I don't believe this. Our girls don't have dates,

Ritchie's with Britney B, up is down, black is blonde.

I can't believe this!

Ritchie is going with the most popular girl in the class?

That means he's not gonna be alone. That means I might get grandchildren.

Blonde grandchildren.

Me, with blonde grandchildren!

We did it, Grandpa!

Synch : So.

Huge news!

We did it! We're popular!

We are?

Not you, losers. We, me and Ritchie.

Ritchie maybe.

And I guess there are certain army bases where you could be popular.

Hey, I support the troops.

It is the first dance of 7th grade,

the one that sets the tone for the rest of your life...

and Ritchie...

is going with Britney B...

the most popular girl in the class.

What? Britney B?

The girl with the big red eyebrow is the most popular girl in class?

No, that's one of the Chelseas.

My God, it's like you don't even care.

Yes, it is very much like that.

Get down here, honey, please!

Ritchie, get down here, please!

Hurry, your mom's popular!

Why would the most popular girl ask Ritchie?

I don't know, Barb. But let me tell you something.

When your fortune changes, you do not ask questions.

It's like when I got that second 20% off coupon

for Bed Bath and Beyond. It showed up in my mailbox.

I did not ask questions.

I just marched myself right down to that store

and I got myself a neck vibrator.

It can also work on your neck.

There he is... Swaggering down the stairs like a rock star.

Look at you, big shot!

Two pounds away from sitting in the front seat.

Ritchie, why didn't you tell me

you had a date for the dance next weekend?

I don't know. It's stupid.

Stupid.

That's how the popular guys talk.

Because they can.

Because they're popular.

Ritchie, I am so happy for you.

Being popular is the most important thing in the world.

- I thought you said it wasn't. - That's when we weren't popular.

Sit down. We're gonna get this right, buddy.

What do you need for the big night?

Let's see, I need a tuxedo, a corsage and a limousine.

How about some slacks from Target,

a flower from the yard and a Prius?

- Then I might as well not go at all. - Wait, wait.

All the other kids are getting limousines and tuxedos.

And Britney's expecting it. And it's Britney B!

She was an extra in High School Musical !

Calm down, all right?

We'll get you a tuxedo and a limo. I know it's important

to do the exact same thing that other kids are doing.

What are you teaching him?

It's Britney B, OK? She was an extra in High School Musical !

Don't worry, OK?

We're gonna make this the perfect night to rub in people's noses for years.

"Be like the other kids"?

"Popular is the most important thing"?

You forgot to tell him

"It's only what's on the outside that counts".

Let me tell you something.

The casting director for High School Musical

did not ask to see their insides.

Are you making this about yourself again?

No, I am not!

When I was in 7th grade,

all I wanted to do was fit in.

I asked my mom for Ditto jeans like everybody else had,

and she gave me painter's pants.

And then when I complained, she gave me chef's pants.

And then one thing led to another and I married Richard,

now here I am in this dump.

You know, I wanna do what I can for Ritchie.

But you can't afford all that stuff. You live in a dump.

I know, but I have to give Ritchie one night.

He's gonna have the rest of his life to be disappointed.

He's not getting a car when he turns 16,

and he's not going to Europe after high school, and...

he's already got a receding hairline and...

I think he might be shrinking.

I just wanna give him one night that he'll never forget.

Why don't you buy a pair of painter's pants?

Apparently you never forgot those, either.

I've only heard that story, like, 500 times.

You got real Levi's, Matthew.

I got elastic waisted poly-denim.

And I had a rash that lasted for, like, seven years.

I've made a decision.

I'm moving out of Christine's house.

I can't stand living with her without sleeping with her.

- Never bothered you with me. - No, that was actually a nice year.

Anyway... I found this fantastic apartment on the beach in Venice.

It's perfect.

Great location, affordable,

20 year-old girls walking around in bikinis.

Looking for a hot 50-year-old guy with a metal detector.

That thing's paid for itself already.

Well, the shipping.

Anyway, this place is great.

And it's got two bedrooms.

You interested?

No, it sounds fantastic, but Christine won't let me go.

You've been living with women too long. You don't need to ask for permission.

Does he?

You should move out. People might think it's weird I live with my brother.

And...

what other people think is the most important thing in the world.

I think that's everything.

There are classes 5 days a week at the gym,

the pool is open 24 hours,

and the jacuzzi is clothing optional after midnight.

And here we are at your apartment.

I can't believe this place. It's got everything.

And I can smell the ocean.

Christine's place had nothing

and it smelled like a canal.

I told you. Wait until you see the apartment.

It's got stainless steel appliances, rent control,

and a cushioned toilet seat. That stays with it, right?

It all stays.

- What's the catch? - No catch.

You just have to evict the previous tenant and the place is yours.

The place is ours!

What are you talking about? There's a tenant?

I can't get her out. She hasn't paid rent for 6 months

and it takes two years to evict someone.

If you can make her leave...

the place is all yours.

Did you hear that?

We got it!

We didn't get it. Someone's living there. I don't want to kick someone out.

Neither do I, but did you see this place? It's perfect!

I know, it's a great place.

There's girls playing volleyball on the beach in their bikinis,

instead of Christine running around in her girdle bottoms,

looking for a clean bra.

I've lost everything. Please let me do this.

But I don't wanna kick someone out of their home.

She hasn't paid rent in 6 months. She's a criminal.

She's lucky we aren't calling the cops.

- You wanna go back to Christine's? - She never found a bra.

She never found it.

Good. Are you from the Meals On Wheels?

Come on, she's old.

Let's get out of here! We can't do this!

Oh, my God, look at that view.

We can watch the sunset over the ocean.

Are those dolphins?

Get out!

Mom, stop taking pictures. It's stupid.

There's that word again.

Popular.

Go on in, you guys. Have a good time.