What Lola Wants

Get out of the cage now!

No!

You just cross your pretty legs, honey.

We'll be right back.

LOLA (SCREAMING): No!

How am I supposed to go down here?

Like a dog.

Is that what I am?

A dog?

A dog can be trained.

Why are you so bad to me?

It's cause you ain't no good.

That's why.

You're wrong.

I'm good at lots of things.

Hm, like what?

Like stealing.

But you ain't much for getting away, now, are ya?

Yeah.

Scammin' and stealin' may well be the crust of life.

But there's only one meat worth putting in that fire.

And what's that?

Well, love, of course.

RADIO REPORTER (ON RADIO): A dramatic scene today

at the Beverly Hills home of Emmy Award-winning actors

Michael and Maria Franklin.

Just hours ago, their 16-year-old daughter, Lola

Franklin, was reported missing.

Police are treating it as a potential kidnapping.

Details on her abduction are still coming in.

But here's what we can tell you-- Lola Franklin, daughter

of Emmy Award winning actors Michael and Maria

Franklin was taken from her home sometime

after 10:00 PM last night.

And at 1:24 AM, she made a distress call

from her cell phone.

Police are still not sure where exactly

that call was made from.

But they are focusing the investigation around her home

and in the East Los Angeles area.

You have no idea who I am, do you?

No, ma'am.

But you seem real nice.

I'm sure it's all going to work out for you.

What's good?

I'm generally partial to eggs-- boiled or fried.

Mostly boiled.

I mean, who knows what kind of drippy,

poison body fat was on that griddle

before they even fry those eggs.

You know what I mean?

What'll it be?

I'll have four fried eggs.

What about you, sweetheart?

I'll take six.

Six fried eggs.

Make that eight.

Eight fried eggs.

Yes, ma'am.

This is fun.

TV REPORTER (ON TV): We have breaking news on the kidnapping

of Lola Franklin.

Just minutes ago, police released

this recording of the terrified teenager pleading for her life.

A warning-- this may be upsetting for some viewers.

LOLA (ON TV): I don't know where I am.

I don't know where we're going.

I don't what he wants.

But please, help me.

Faked your own kidnapping.

Pretty good, right?

My parents are actors.

Why would you do that?

They look like nice people, right?

My parents.

But they're not.

Their tears are fake.

Seem pretty genuine to me.

You don't recognize them?

You know when there's a natural disaster,

and the TV has those phone in and give

money the victim things?

Mm hm.

And the celebrities come on.

And they're all like, give money and stop

the suffering and the starving of the children,

blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah.

Have you ever noticed that the football players are all cool?

The actors are like choking back tears.

Have you ever noticed that?

Yeah.

Do you think it's cause they're like really

sensitive and emotional, and the very thought of recording

a video message about shivering kiddies

gets them all misty eyed and broken up inside?

Or do you think it's because weeping

in front of the camera's part of their fucking job?

See?

They're all hugging and shit.

They did the exact same thing in "Cold Harbor."

Episode Four, Season Three.

Their kid went missing.

And they did the exact same thing.

They're not even married.

They haven't been married for years.

Ah.

No.

You think I'm upset because my parents are divorced?

Everyone's parents are divorced.

You think there's like a billion kids

flopping around on the floor-- oh no, my parents are divorced,

it's all my fault!

It's because they're evil.

Evil.

Evil like what?

Like outer space evil?

Like vampire evil.

Right.

So that's why you ran away?

Because they're vampires.

Wouldn't you?

I'll take those eggs to go.

I'm coming with you.

You know what you get for kidnapping a minor?

Doing sick and confusing things to them?

Things regular people wouldn't even know how to spell.

Do you know what you get for that?

You get your fucking balls cut off, is what.

Are you a bitter man?

By night.

Do you carry in your heart a measure of dislike

towards cute and furry animals?

No ma'am.

Well, I'm guessing about seven seconds.

Seven seconds?

That's how long it will take to convince the people

in this diner that you're a ruthless, dangerous

kidnapper that has taken my person, and likely

my virginity.

If they don't cut your balls off,

the two dozen state troopers that come

pouring in through this door when called certainly will.

So it's up to you.

You can be a nutless, kidnapping eunuch, or my hero.

What's it gonna be?

I like you.

I know.

So.

What kind of trouble you in?

Who said I'm in any trouble?

Boy like you.

Car like this.

You're in trouble.

Well, I guess it's sort of a misunderstanding.

I guess it must've been.

Nice picture.

That's pretty sneaky.

You're a pickpocket.

I'm a fingersmith.

I like you.

I know.

So where you headed?

Mobile, Alabama.

Yeah?

What's in Mobile, Alabama?

All things good that back then was,

and everything's that's yet to be.

Yeah, well it sounds like heaven.

Don't it, though?

1,200 miles.

You got any money?

I was planning on acquiring the criminal version

of invisibility.

Honey, you tell me why a Beverly

Hills princess fakes her own kidnapping,

runs off into the desert.

I'll teach you to shear the gold from a judge's jaw bone.

Fake?

Lover, I escaped the cold, stone,

ghoulish clutches of an undead vampire castle.

Ah, you don't live in a castle.

Like you've ever seen a castle.

Well, does it have a drawbridge?

It's got guards.

It's got towers.

And vampires.

Those vampires.

My so-called parents.

At night, they crawl out the tower windows, down the castle

wall, to the village below.

There, they steal through open windows

to suck the blood from babies and children.

Night after night, the ghouls return

to feed on that same child.

And that child begins to pale and weaken.

Are you trying to tell me-- did your father--

Molest me?

If the man did that, he wouldn't be undead.

He'd be dead-dead.