Miguel Wants to Fight

The hero.

Miguel, you owe me $5.

- You've cloned yourself?

Cass?!

[shouting, battle sound effects play on laptop]

Cass, grab him by the ponytail!

Hey, yo, Miguel!

- Hey-ey-ey! - Hey!

- Bro, I'm working on the Naruto video. It's comin' out fire!

Oh, my God!

Cass!

Cass!

- Hell yeah, my brother. - Srini!

- Yo. - Let me get some of those.

- Come back, you can't... - Over top, over top.

Are you serious?

No, what's that?

It's this anime about this guy

who's able to defeat any opponent with just one punch.

- Oh, shit. That's a dope skill to have. Just one punch. Mm!

- Or a really bad one. - How's that?

'Cause he can't masturbate.

- What? - I'm just saying,

if his hand is that strong, he might get super into it

and accidentally one-punch his own dick off.

It's too dangerous of a proposition. I would never make that trade.

- What if it's the complete opposite? What if he's, like, really good at it?

You know, just one pull and... whoosh!

- Hey! Yo, don't aim your imaginary jizz at me, bro!

- No... you're right. - Fighting's a lot like masturbating.

If fighting is a lot like masturbating,

then you're doing one of 'em really wrong.

- "One Stroke Man."

- Ah! Yes. - Yeah, all right.

Wait, but hold on, though.

So, if you're a superhero and a resulting effect of your superpowers

is that it only takes you one stroke to... you know?

Now, does that make your life happier or does that make your life sadder?

- Happier. - Sadder. Come on. Think on it like eating.

Do you want to be tasting your food or do you want to be full?

Eating's about savoring, like experiencing that moment.

- You sound like the Ratatouille of jerkin' off.

- No, I'm with David. - You good.

- Not me, I'm in and out. You never even knew I was there.

I'm a beat-off burglar.

Beat-off burglar.

I gotta show you guys something.

Check this out.

Oh, my God!

This looks crazy!

[explosive sound effects]

- That's your best one yet, man! DAVID: Yo!

- Bang! Oh, what a shot from Srini!

- Yeah, Srini! SRINI: 100% from the field!

Steph Curry on these bitches!

Nah, that ain't Steph Curry.

That's Indian Curry, flavorful-ass boy!

- You lost. Get off the court, you saggy-faced bitch.

- He does have a saggy face. I never noticed that before.

- Yeah, looks like it's gonna fall right off his skull.

- Man, how much does the bottom of your face weigh?

That's shit's gotta be like, what, eight pounds?

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Saggy-face bitch! Hey, yo, what the fuck?!

Hey!

Hey!

Fight!

- Hey. Sorry he said that stuff to you, man.

That guy just super sucks.

Thanks.

Most people are just making an Aladdin joke

or a convenience store joke.

I appreciate he was artisanal with his racism.

- Ooh! You should have called him "CaBron James!"

Be... cause of the Indian Curry thing?

- You know, cabrón in Spanish... - No, mm-mm.

It's terrible.

- What about "Luka Dog-Dick"? SRINI: Nope.

- What about "James Hard-on"? - No.

- 'Cause, you know... - No, I get it. It's just not that clever.

- Hey, hey, Armando's outside. Can we cross the street? Cool, thanks.

He just got out a couple of weeks ago.

That's the first time I've seen him.

He hasn't even come by the gym at all.

How long was he in?

Nine months.

- Well, imagine you go from you're about to be a rich professional boxer

to you just got out of jail,

standing in your grandma's front yard staring at meat.

Holy shit.

Uh-oh. Where are his cooking utensils?

- The next time we walk past, I'm gonna yell his name like we're buddies,

so then we'll actually be buddies.

- Why would you want to be his friend?

He's not a badass, he's a bitch. - Ooh.

- Are you still mad because of what he said about your dad?

- 'Course he's still mad because of what he said about his dad.

- Ah, dammit. - What's up?

- My fuckin' sweater got torn in that fight.

- Yeah, man, they tore my shit, too.

- How do you get your pocket torn in a fight?

Don't finger my pocket.

Miguel, you good?

Huh? Yeah. I'm good.

I'm whole.

We all did, like, an equal amount of, like, punches and whatnot.

What?

Wait, did you not get in the fight?

- Huh? - Huh?

You didn't get in the fight? You didn't jump in?

- No, I was... I was in there. I was just...

I was more like on the outside. I was, I was maintaining the perimeter.

- How did you not jump in? - People jump in, you jump in.

That's the rule.

- I was gonna, but it was just over so fast.

And anyways, the other group had what? Three people? We had four.

So it just... it wouldn't be fair.

- This motherfucker was doing math. - You gotta jump in, man.

- No, you don't. - Look, it's whatever. Okay?

You guys are fine. You always are.

I would have jumped in if you really needed me to, but...

- Wait, hold on a second... have you never jumped in before?

Like zero times?

Irrelevant.

- Now this motherfucker can't count.

- There's no way you've never jumped in.

- Give me my fuckin' phone, Claudia. - Your what?

My what?

What about the time I got into it with Claudia Dominguez

because she stole my phone?

Oh, man, I remember that. It was crazy.

I still can't believe you open-hand slapped her.

Miguel, I could have sworn you had my back against that bitch.

Nope.

Wait, but... I definitely remember you jumping in that time at the movies.

Yo, chill out!

Look, I paid for my popcorn!

You were wrong. I didn't jump in there, either.

I didn't want to miss the movie.

Y'all didn't even watch it. The guy fought a tiger.

What about when David got into it with that kid on Halloween

because he was fucking with you?

No, you got in on that one.

But you know what?

Yeah, it was me and that one dude.

We were both looking at each other, but I don' think either one of us

wanted to actually do it,

so we ended up just... aggressively hugging.

Does that count?

Oh, my God.

- David, did you know that he wasn't in the fight? Did you know this?

- "Knowing" is a strong word. I... - This is fuckin' blasphemy.

- It's Miguel, it's not him. Come on.

- Have you ever gotten into a fight?

- Yes. - With who?

- Oh. - Right.

I don't see the point.

- How? - How do I not see the point?

Because fighting is stupid.

- No. How have you not gotten into a fight living here?

In this neighborhood. It's like... what everyone does.

And you love fight movies! It's the only thing you talk about.

- Also, your dad's literally a boxing coach.

I just haven't.

Okay? Fighting is bad. Right?

Like, on a scale of Good Things and Bad Things.

Nope. It's awesome.

- Well, I-I know you've at least sparred, right?

- I mean, I'm at the gym, but it's mainly because of my dad.

I'm just keeping the place clean, and I don't really like the gloves.

They... make my hands sweaty.

- The gloves make your hands sweaty?!

- Getting into a fight alongside your friends

is how you know you're really friends.

It's on the friendship checklist.

- Srini might be a fast masturbating idiot most of the time, but he's right.

It's a part of it.

- Hey, come on, no, it is not. Jesus.

Y'all are so full of shit. You just talk and talk and talk.

Drop it.

- We're just playing. We're messing with you, bro.

I know. I get it.

Okay, what about this one?

You could've told Saul that his mom is Michael Whore-dan.

Or Kevin Whore-ant.

Like a whore.