M*A*S*H

Where are the sphygmomanometers?

Maybe the nurses took them

when they bugged out with the patients.

Klinger, this is the medicine box.

This is the not medicine box. Bandages are not medicine?

If you can't swallow it, don't put it in here.

Is medicinal alcohol medicine medicine

or not medicine medicine?

Not! Not.

Every time the enemy

so much as sneezes in our direction,

ICorps evacuates the nurses

and leaves us to do all the work.

Major, this ain't dish night at the Bijou

for me, either. Grab that.

Well, as long as the Chinese are on their way

why don't we just leave this stuff sitting out with a tag on it

that says "no starch"? Fold.

When are we leaving, Colonel?

I don't even know if we are leaving.

I got space for a half a box of not medicine.

You put this in with this?

Can you swallow either one of those?

Klinger, call ICorps. Ask them if we're

getting our nurses back in a day or so,

or are we going to be joining them?

Yes, sir.

Oh...

Triage. Let's go.

These instruments are ready.

All right, put some out at each table,

but don't touch anything with your bare hands.

Hell of a way to sterilize instruments

when we've got a perfectly good autoclave.

As soon as the nurses get back,

I want everyone to take a crash course

on how to run that thing.

As soon as the nurses get back,

we won't need to know how.

Watch it, Charles.

You're gonna get plaster in this kid's wound.

Sorry. I'd be happy to do this in the plastering room,

where it is supposed to be done.

I want all the patients in here.

We don't have anybody to watch them while we operate.

Give me some suction. Quick, Father.

Is he gonna make it? I don't know.

There's hardly enough pieces here to sew back together.

All I can hope to do is buy him some time.

Dear God, if it's within Thy divine will

grant Private Sandler the chance Retraction, quick!

Pull that back while I sew it.

Sorry, Father.

That's all right.

He knows what I mean.

You couldn't cut through a cup of tapioca with this.

Somebody sharpen these damn scalpels

before they're sterilized.

I'll get on it, sir.

Rake retractor. What's that?

A long thing with two prongs and a hook on it. Hurry up.

Long thing. Hook on it. Two prongs...

Come on. Come on.

You want a can opener?

Get with it, will ya? What do you want from me?

I'm not even qualified to be a cook,

and they got me doing this nurse stuff.

Okay, boys, let's cool down.

Hell, World War II,

I once spent three weeks in a field hospital

without a nurse in sight.

No reason we can't last a few days.

You apply yourselves,

and you'll be amazed at what we can do without 'em.

Sir, the Chinese have pulled back.

The nurses will be here tonight.

Thank God.

(cheering)

Oh boy, am I glad to see you.

Don't go away like that again. We missed you.

And we missed you. And we had this great idea.

Who had a great idea?

Kellye. Kellye had this great idea.

It's fantastic. You're gonna love it.

You know those crummy old records we've got in the jukebox?

Do I? We hold the record for old records.

Well, I traded 'em in at the evac for brand new ones.

We've got Doris Day, Frankie Laine, Johnny Ray...

Patti Page. Patti Page.

And we're throwing ourselves a welcome home party at the Officers Club,

and you guys are invited

'cause we're sick of dancin' with each other.

Listen. We've got jitterbug, "cheek to cheek",

and, especially for Hawkeye, six different Lindies!

Kellye, thank you. God, you're in luck. I do a great Lindy.

In fact, I taught Lindy everything she knows.

Oh, great.

When we're through doing this, maybe we can dance.

Hey, you guys, we're gonna meet at the Officers Club

in half an hour.

Wonderful!

The day after tomorrow?

Well, why are you so How could you do this to me?

Why are you so worried about one little inspection?

I haven't been here in five days.

Couldn't you have postponed it until we got settled?

Well, that's the thing. Colonel Bucholtz wants to see

how long it takes you to get settled in after a bug out.

Bucholtz. She tries to lower your rating

if you can't tell a sterile scalpel

from an unsterile one by just looking at it.

Well, you better get on it first thing in the morning.

I'd better get on it right now.

Hold it. Hold it.

We got patients in postop,

and we have an inspection the day after tomorrow.

I want the nurses to meet me in the O.R. in 10 minutes.

So sick and tired

How could they do all this in just five days?

Get to work.

I'll be right back.

Cover yourself up. I'm coming in.

Oh, good. You're in bed.

Get a good night's sleep. Thank you.

Can I tuck you in, read you a story,

get you a glass of hot milk?

No. I'm fine, thanks.

Everything okay with you?

The O. R. Is in a shambles!

There are instruments covered with plaster.

The door to the autoclave is hanging on a hinge.

All the equipment is mislabeled, mismatched,

or just plain missing.

Thanks to you doctors,

I'm going to get thrown out of the army

because I don't know where my own equipment is.

Now calm down, Margaret.

If we messed up a bit, then it's only fair

that we help you tidy it up again.

Now, me and the other doctors will be there

tomorrow morning at 8:30 sharp.

7:00.7:00 is better.

Major, what is that down there?

That is a floor,

which, astonishingly enough, I am sweeping.

That plaster will not come off with a broom.

It has to be scraped off with a razor.

Winchesters do not shave floors.

Do Winchesters heal quickly?

Webster. Hmm?

Track down everything on this list

and put it where it belongs.

Right, Major.

I think this thing goes on there.

Then where does this thing go?

Maybe that's just sort of extra.

Wh.

Does anyone know where the vascular clamps are?

Yeah. They're in a box of things you can't swallow.

Oh. It's gonna take me a long time to learn this system.

Whoa, Hawkeye. Can I read the label on that box?

"Surgical stuff and purple things"?

Oh, great.

What? I can't help it.

Whenever I look at you, I hear that song.

And by some incredible coincidence,

that very song is in the jukebox tonight.

Oh, great. Hope we can hear it from over here.

Well, I was kinda hoping you'd be over there.

I have a cheek with your cheek's name on it.

Yeah, well, we're never gonna get out of here

until we put away all the surgical stuff and purple things.

Right.

I'm cooking hemostats. Some moron broke the autoclave.

Whenever I look at you, I hear that song.

And by some incredible coincidence, that very record.

Tell me after work, okay?

I have a cheek with your cheek's name on it.

What am I doing wrong?

It's the songs. The songs.

They don't sound sincere enough.

I don't know, I thought they were kind of cute.

Maybe if I just said something simple like...

"Listen, why don't you and I dance the night away?"

That would work on me.

Okay. Great. I'll try that.

I understand you're the one

who broke the door on the autoclave.

Why don't we just call the autoclave club?

I don't have any time for jokes. Just fix it.

I haven't got any time, either. I gotta get home

and put my tux under the mattress.

All right. Okay. Okay. I'll make you a deal.

I fix the autoclave. I go. Fine.

Fine. Fine. Very simple.

The hinge is bent. That's all. Takes three seconds.

One, two, three...

Oh, I don't believe this.

I lost an earring in the bug out.

Here, take mine.