Overboard

- Dock five, the immaculata? - It's over there!

I cannot, I repeat, cannot

sit in this cesspool by the sea with nothing to do.

So, while you repair your silly boat engines, I will do some remodeling.

- I've sent for a carpenter. - Whatever, diddums. I'm shooting skeet.

Hello!

Mr. Stayton? Anybody home?

- Hello! - State your purpose!

- Nice-looking Weatherby you got. - It's a very expensive gun.

- I have lots and lots of them. - Somebody call for a carpenter?

That's my wife's department.

Could you tell me where your wife might... be?

You're the carpenter?

Yeah. Dean Proffitt.

You're late.

- References? - Well, no, not really.

You see, I just moved up to this area...

Hey, I've been doing this kind of shit work for years.

This is... This is just beautiful. Wow!

- Try not to touch anything. - Oh, I won't.

Andrew will keep an eye on you.

Maybe you'd like to take fingerprints before I get started.

I was just... kidding.

Don't walk so close to me!

- OK! Where's your problem? - My closet.

In here.

Now, you can see how inadequate this all is.

I need new shoe racks for my shoes.

Excuse me. I was told that this was some kind of an emergency.

It is.

And I need drawers for my lingerie.

I can't keep entering these boxes all the time.

Hello?

Hey, I'm sorry. I understand now. You want me to remodel your closet.

Isn't that what I've been explaining in some detail?

Is English your second language?

What is that odor?

I don't smell anything.

Madam.

Well! I almost had to wait.

I got an idea for a shoe rack right in here maybe, huh?

What is this gelatinous muck?!

Andrew, when I tell you to pack staples,

must I specify that you are to pack good caviar and not this $1 .99 fish bait!

- Yes, madam. - Caviar should be round and hard

and of adequate size.

And it should burst in your mouth at precisely the right moment.

- Yes, madam. - Carpenter!

- Yeah? - You have exactly 48 hours.

I suggest you get started.

- Throw that out. - Yes, madam.

Watch him.

Oh, boy. She is really something!

I know it will cost me, but it's the cutest little painting.

I simply must have it. You'll do the bidding for me?

But of course!

- Bid 1 ,700,000. - Shit!

Grant, I'm on the phone!

I can't hear you, tea rose! I'm shooting skeet!

- Pull! - Pull!

Firing!

Hello.

Forks were invented so man could at least make a pretense

- of separating himself from the apes. - So were thumbs.

- What did you say? - Nothin'. Just... my stomach.

Well, try to control your bodily noises so I can hear myself think!

And another Oregon good morning to you.

Wilbur Budd here with some local items.

The Fraga Feed and Fertilizer folks are hiring people to shovel the stuff.

Oh, women are welcome, too.

There's no chauvinism in the manure business.

These gnats keep landing on my wet nail polish.

I guess I'm supposed to walk around with their corpses stuck to my fingers.

- Joanna, please! - It's easy for you to say!

You don't have to sit here in the brine with your perm frizzing to oblivion.

I look like a bushman.

Why don't you go inside and get out of the sea air?

Because that Elk Snout mountain man is still working on my closet.

He's sweating all over the place. I doubt if he's even housebroken.

I think they housebreak each other...

- What? - He's listening.

- Who? - That carpenter.

He's been hanging on our every word for the last two days.

It's your project, Joanna. You deal with it.

- Come along, men. - The engines are ready, sir.

- Well, let's get going. - I've finished, madam.

- Shall I put yourjewelry back on you? - No.

I'm still tacky.

Keep quiet for ten more minutes, collect the money and get the hell outta here.

Well! Are we amusing you?

- What... is this? - Well, I'm done. I'm finished.

- What do you think? - What is it?

Well, it's a shoe rack... with a twist. You ready?

Just turn the crank here, those drop back, these split.

- Gives you twice the space... - Stop boring me with your absurdities.

- What's it made of? - It's called wood. It's oak.

Oak. An oak closet?

- Why am I even amazed? - I don't know. Why are you amazed?

One would think you would know closets are made of cedar. If not, we get moths.

Well, lady, there's not a real big moth problem off the Pacific coast.

But if you want one out of cedar, that's fine. I'll start all over.

I just have to tell ya that's gonna more than double my estimate.

- What do you mean? - I've already done this out of oak...

- I'm not paying for your mistake! - I'm notjust gonna eat it

- on this deal. - Why not?

You've eaten everything else here. And you will eat it because I wanted cedar!

You may have wanted cedar, but you didn't ask for it.

The entire civilized world knows closets are made of cedar!

In Elk Snout, we don't know about them closets!

Nor bathrooms, neither! Shit, woman! You're lucky I am housebroke!

- You were listening. - Well, it was kinda hard to avoid.

- You can avoid it now, you're fired! - You're unbelievable!

That's fine with me! Just pay me the money you owe me.

The job was not done to my satisfaction!

I got news for you, lady! No job will ever be done to your satisfaction!

- That's quite enough! Just get out! - No problem!

Pay me the 600 bucks you owe me and I'm gone!

Captain Karl! Start up the engine!

You know what your problem is?

You're so goddamn bored, you gotta invent things to bitch about.

You haven't got a single thing to do except for your hair.

Yeah! The closet was fine!

You just needed somethin' to take up your useless, empty,

nail-polishing, toe-polishing,

rich-bitch, sun-tanning days!

- Don't touch me! - What?

Hey, lady. I may be hard up,

but I am not that hard up. And I'm not goin' anywhere...

Hey!

- Damn you! - Man overboard!

I'll get you for this, you...

Not my tool belt! You owe me 600 bucks!

- Keep going! - As you wish.

If I ever get you, lady, you're dead meat! You got that?

No, don't throw that!

I'm not bored! I'm quite happy!

Everyone wants to be me!

You come back here!

I lost all my tools.

I'll loan you some tools. We'll get you some part-time work.

I need a steady job. What about that nighttime thing?

I'm working on it. Listen, pretty soon,

we'll get that miniature golf course deal.

If I can hang on that long.

He called you a what?

Joanna, why are you so upset?

Why in the world do you care what some carpenter from Elk Snout thinks of you?

I'm sure I'm just premenstrual.

Then you must go right back to bed for at least two days.

Inga, you don't shove the food down Shiitake's throat.

You place it on her tongue. Don't they have dogs in Sweden?

Grant mentioned having a baby again.

What should I do?

Darling, if you have a baby,

you won't be the baby anymore.

True.

Well, I must go. Bye-bye, Mommy.

Bye-bye, sweetie.

I'm not a bitch.

Andrew! Are you going to bring me my lemon

or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?

Hey, guys, I'm home!

Stay away, you wolves! No! Shoo!

Bad dogs! Go away!

Buster! Jackson! Get back inside!

- Are you Mr. Proffitt? - Yeah!

You look like the morning after Halloween.

Probably had a day like I did. What happened to you?

Monday is their first day of school

and I came here to welcome your family. And what do I get in return?

- I get toilet-papered by your children! - They're just playin' around!

Just playin' around? They were about to douse the toilet paper with gasoline

- and strike... - Wait, wait! Stop.

- Greg and Charlie. Twins, right? - Yeah.

They're having this arson period. They don't know this, but I'm ahead of them.

I got two fire extinguishers ready to go.

- I didn't catch your name. - Adele Burbridge.

- Nice to meet you. - Principal of the Elk Cove school.

Your children are monsters!

You won't think that once you know 'em!

Where is Mrs. Proffitt during all of this?

She died three years ago.

Mr. Proffitt, your children are totally

lacking in parental supervision.

Hey, you don't have to tell me these kids are lucky.

Fine. You can joke all you want, but I am serious about this.

If you don't do something, I am going to notify the proper authorities.

I have had baby-sitters in here by the dozen, but...

I'm... I'm kinda low on cash right now.

I'm new in town, but if I get a chance, I'll hire a housekeeper, all right?

I'll believe it when I see it. Good day, Mr. Proffitt!

I'm a good father!

What do you know?

Joanna, I want you tonight.

How can you have your period every week?

You can stow away with the rich and famous to exotic ports of call...

Must you watch that thing incessantly?

Yes, I must. It has a tawdry escapist quality that soothes my nerves.

What you have to escape from, I can't possibly imagine.

Grant! I left my wedding ring on the deck.