Her Minor Thing

My friend just bought one of those.

Let me drive it. Fantastic car.

It's a fantastic day.

Okay, at 3:00 this morning, you were singing campfire songs.

And now look at you. What is with you, Jeana?

Tom. I think we're gonna get to know each other better.

You're gonna sleep with Tom Lindeman?!

Yes! Yes, okay?

Why?

I'm in love.

Why?!

I don't know,because he's smart and handsome and wonderful...

Ach! He's on television! So what? Everybody is!

I n two weeks, I'm gonna be on a cruise in South America.

We're gonna make love, and we're gonna watch sunsets.

And it's gonna be like we're the only two people in the world.

You know, if he was the last guy on Earth,maybe I could see it.

No, wait, I can't.

You used to like men.

Yeah, I used to eat dirt when I was a kid, too.I outgrew it.

Okay.So you like girls now. Great.

But this is about me, Caroline I started dating when I was 15 years old.

That's zero in ten years.

Yeah, I've dated some losers,and I've had my heart broken,but I still believe in love.

And I found, I found Tom.

Oan't you just be happy for me?

Wait, let me think.

Mmm, no.

Tom Lindeman tonight or any night.

Exactly. Thank you.

Listen... I need a word.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's varied? Diverse?

How about "rich"?

Rich, thank you! You're worthless!

"Rich" cultural background.

See that? Savin' my ass on the first day.

We're gonna get along real good.

Susan wants you plugged in.

Nah, she just wants me.

Oops. Oops.Should I say that on TV? H i, Susan.

You're shooting me from the waist up,right? 'Cause we don't wanna see the blue jeans.

Tell Lindeman to stop yakking and get ready.

He's there. You're fine.

'Cause anchormen don't wear blue jeans.

Looking good? Blue skies?

Clear.

Clear. Another clear, cloudless day in Tom's nostrils.

How much time you need?

I need five seconds, is all I need.

Alright. Here we come. Ready, remote...

How's that chlamydia,Susan? Joking. Joking.Oh! Oops.

Three, two...

And, and, and... Take remote!

Hi. This is Tom Lindeman.

If you can't get him to listen to me, I'm just gonna take to him next time.

And I don't care if he's pickin' his nose and the whole world sees it.

Ready VT-1.

Boys. What's this golf game doing on here again?

M ust be a virus.

Yeah. This, uh, virus keeps getting in there and setting up Championship Golf Challenge.

Really? You boys are the challenge.

Hey! Hey! How many times do I have to tell you this is not a cup holder?

Ha ha ha! Ow!

- You... you... - You...

I'm gonna get that noon anchor job. I can feel it.

That's great!

I can't believe you bought a house!

Yup!

I feel old.

- I n you go. - Thank you.

You saw that?

Yeah.

I tape you every night.

Mmm... Well then, uh...

From the future most recognizable face in town to his most devoted fan.

Opens my door any time you want.

It's beautiful.

Uh... Tom?

Yeah?

I think I need a little more time.

Okay. Give me about ten minutes to set up the bed.

That's a joke. A defense mechanism.

Come from rejection.

I'm not rejecting you.

Good.

What... Um... Okay!

Jeana? Jeana, come on!

I was joking.

Half-joking! I want it to be special.

Not like this.

Okay, okay.

I know you're not comfortable getting physical with me.

Oan you tell me why? Is it me?

I can't believe what she said to me. I mean...

it's unbelievable.

I mean, I believe it because now it all makes sense,but... wow!

Blue skies?

...proposal draws the ire of animal-lovers all over.

Good evening, everyone. Thanks for being with us.

And ready, remote, ready or not.

She's 25 years old,okay?

Tom! Tom?

She seems to know all the moves. She's right there.

But... Ha ha ha... Yaahh!

Tom?

And now we go to Tom Lindeman, standing by live. Tom?

And, take remote.

Get this: My girlfriend... okay? Me!

My girlfriend?

Is a virgin.

I'll be having sex with a complete virgin.

I love live TV! Oh, yeah, baby!

You're on! You're on!

Hi, this is Tom Lindeman, coming to you live from downtown.

Hello?

What?

No, but Station 50 called.

They wouldn't tell me.

What did he say?

Tell me! Guys...!

Oh, wait. I think I hear her coming in.

Did you see the news?

Oh, yeah. Um...

Your granny's on the phone.

H i, Grandma. What?

I'm your favorite granddaughter now?

When'd this happen?Hey,Grandma, can I call you back?

Get this: My girlfriend... okay? Me!

My girlfriend is a virgin.

Kill, Jeana. Kill!

I guess you saw it, huh?

Everybody saw it. You told the whole city.

Come on, I didn't mention your name.

You didn't have to.Everyone I know has been calling me.

Would you talk to me?!

I made a mistake.

And I feel horrible, I do. But you said so yourself...

your virginity's not a major thing.

It's not. It's a minor thing.

But it's my minor thing.

I was just tellin' my camera guy.

You gotta admit, it's a little unusual.

What? I just never did it with anyone,

It's not like I didn't try.

So you're saying the effort was there, you just lacked the aptitude?

It just hasn't worked out. Uh...

I'd be with a guy and we'd be headed that way,and... stuff would happen.

"Stuff"?

Stuff.

Like his ex-girlfriend would come back from China.

Or he'd have a court date, and I'd never see him again.

Or... I'd get the chicken pox.

You're supposed to get chicken pox when you're a kid,

but I would get them when I tried to sleep with someone.

Anyway, I was just hoping you'd be a little more careful with the information.

I know, I know.

What do you wanna do? You wanna break up over this?

No. Do you?

No.

So, come on, relax. We'll order a pizza.

I'm not hungry.

What are you doing?

I wanna make love with you. What's wrong with that?

Nothing.

It can be the lead story at 11:00

How humiliating.

It's okay. I'm fine.

You must wanna kill yourself.

Or someone else. Seen this?

"Our favorite reporter,Tom Lindeman, told everyone...and I mean everyone...

that his girlfriend's a..."

Oh, my God!

"Whoever she is,let's hope she doesn't hold a grudge."

Hold one.

You have to get even.

For women everywhere.

You know what really gets me,is that technically he never really apologized.

You broke up with him, right?

Of course she broke up with him. She's not stupid.

Excuse me.

Oan you tell me where this is at right here?

You're lost. You're not even close.

Sweet.

Well, since I'm here,can I get,uh,can I get, uh,some French Sumatra please?

Whole beans.

Okay.

You don't break up with someone when you've been brought together

by something as powerful as the triple-sneeze incident.

The what?

The triple-sneeze. How I met Tom.

You crashed into his car.

But it was a meaningful crash.I was driving along,and I sneezed three times,

and then I hit him.

Yeah. You should hit him now.

I've never sneezed three times before in my life. I've never been in a car accident.

And I didn't hit the fat weather guy from Channel 10,I hit the dreamy reporter,

the guy I was fantasizing about all that time

when I was trying to get over Oharlie.

I mean, things like that just aren't coincidence.