What We Do in the Shadows

My wedding to Marwa is quickly approaching,

but treachery is afoot. There are people

that are against me getting married and being happy.

No one is against you or you getting married.

Don't be so naive, my little friend.

Conspiracy is abound! Ask the djinn. He will tell you.

Do you wish to know if conspiracies abound?

No! Stop trying to trick me into using up all my wishes.

You're just not thinking straight, Master.

- Maybe it's because you haven't slept in a week? - (groans)

Nandor is so hyper-focused on having

the perfect wedding, he doesn't even slumber anymore.

He just lies awake all day, thinking of more things

to make the wedding even more perfect.

Ah.

More things. More.

More, more, more. (Laughs)

Maybe you are the one who is not thinking straight

because you have not slept in a week!

Yeah, no. I'm awake, I'm awake. I was just...

I was just... Uh, my eyes were just a little, just...

What were we talking about?

We were just talking about how hard

you're working on the wedding.

Yeah, no, it's true. I haven't slept in a week, but I guess

that's what it's like to be the best man to a vampire

who is absolutely losing his fucking mind

because he wants to have the perfect fucking wedding!

Can I do that last part again?

Just without the cursing this time?

("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing)

Twirl it.

Mm, no.

You know, I've always dreamed of having a big wedding.

Or at least since that time

that we watched The Wedding Planner

on that rainy Sunday together.

- That was nice. - It was okay.

- (knocking) Knock, knock.

Come in, my love. Hi. Hey.

I wanted to ask you about the flower arrangements.

Yes. Red and black roses.

But I was really hoping we could go for white and pink.

That's... What about the black and the red?

No.

I will have Guillermo look into it straightaway for you.

Thank you, my love. Thank you, Guillermo.

- Of course. - Bye.

- (door closes) - You see?

Even my own bride is trying to sabotage this wedding

with her insane demands!

- Enough. - But... what?

So you're just going to abandon me in my darkest hour?

No one's trying to sabotage your wedding, okay?

- Pull yourself together. - You pull yourself together.

And you do not snap at me.

- I'll snap at you. - You just did.

Nandor, quick question.

Did you invite Sean and Charmaine to your wedding?

Why would I do that? It is an all-vampire wedding, Laszlo.

But I think he would be greatly offended

- if you didn't invite him. - Okay, fine.

Guillermo, figure out a way to make it work.

Good man. - His request

for a human plus-two is all too transparent.

Add another name to the list of people that are against me

- and my wedding. - (groans softly)

Oh, perhaps I should add your name to the list, also?

How much do you want some of this stuff?

'Cause you literally have a genie...

- A djinn. - Who can solve

all these problems, but no.

You don't want to use any of your precious wishes.

Well, P. S.: you're gonna have to, because some of these

things are literally impossible.

- Like what? Name one. - Oh, one? Um, I don't know.

You want a live dodo bird to roast for the wraiths to eat.

Oh, you would deny the servants a hearty meal of their own?

- Can't we just do turkey? - No!

It has be a dodo. What's the problem here?

They're very slow birds, very easy to catch.

- They're everywhere! - Not anymore!

- Since when? - 1681!

- You'll figure it out. - (gasps) I'll figure it out.

- Oh. (Yelling) - (crashing, clattering)

The nightclub needs cheaper drinks.

No, we want the drinks to be very expensive,

so then we attract rich humans.

Am I right? They gorge themselves

on sauces and creams,

and get their muscles massaged. Oh.

Rich humans are basically like veal--

Conceptually repulsive, but so buttery on my tongue.

Hello?

Hello?

What the fuck?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

- (Nadja clears throat) - Mm, my goodness.

Guillermo, did you kick five holes in the wall

- and then fuck a chicken? - Hmm.

- No. - What happened to the lamp?

You know what?

I think this little feller is having a tantrum.

Is this true, Guillermo? Is Nandor's wedding

making you put your knickers inside a twist?

It's just too much for you, isn't it?

- Let him speak. - I'm perfectly fine to...

Say no more. We can help.

- Okay. Let's see here, let's see here.

Oh, well, getting a dodo bird is easy. That's no problem.

- It is? - Yes, I have an antique dodo bird net

in the Chamber of Curiosities. You can borrow it.

It is obviously

not in my nature to want to help Guillermo.

Don't put your back out being grateful. (Sputters)

But because he is the nightclub's accountant, I really

need him to not have a stroke.

The Baron has not gotten back to you

about officiating the wedding ceremony?

Hey. - Yes.

We will take care of The Baron so then you can turn all

of your attentions to catching the dodo bird.

Oh, wow. That feels

really weird being so nice. Ooh.

- He is a good boy. - (Sire chuffs)

Would either of you like to give him

- a little scritchie? - No, but...

- (barks) - Oh. - Eeh.

Of course, I am so flattered that Nandor asked me

to officiate his wedding

- to the beautiful and charming what's-her-name. - Hmm.

- Marwa. - Gesundheit.

But what you ask of me--

- It is simply not possible. - Baron,

everyone who's anyone who's a vampire is going be there.

Yes, I am aware of that.

I am sorry.

But look at my wretched state.

Oh, I could not bear so many witnesses

to this tattered vessel.

Once they dined on the lavish feast

that was my visage,

but now, well, I serve them

only a charred and flaking peasant's crust.

Oh. You look great. - Yes, -Oh.

Never looked better. - Oh, you are too kind.

We're being honest. Yeah, it's the truth.

But I am not the dashing, radiant being

that I once was.

I think I might know just what you need.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That he's still fuckable

- even though he looks like a burnt log? - No.

Obviously, he's fuckable. I mean, come on.

I am thinking that somebody

needs a...

- makeover. Makeover. - Makeover.

- Okay, what about this one? It's just kind of what

you're wearing right now.

Back in Al-Qolnidar, I would just wear the severed penis

of an enemy on a sling made from his dismembered intestines.

- This is a wedding tradition? - No.

For me, that was a Tuesday night.

Nothing? Okay, whatever.

- Nandor? - Yes, my love?

I was just looking through the guest list -Mm-hmm.

And I noticed that my parents are not on here.

They had a prior engagement of being very dead.

I just always thought my parents would be there

for my wedding day.

Okay, fine. I will see what I can do.

Thank you.

How many wishes do I have?

- You know I can't tell you that. - Eh.

Okay, fine. I wish

for you to bring Marwa's parents back to life for the wedding.

- And do you want them to speak English? - Sure. Why not?

Do you want to bring them back to life permanently, or-or...?

Eh, just for the weekend is fine.

- It is done. Baba-joon! Maman!

Oh, my dearest. Where is that

- idiot husband of yours? Baba, please.

On second thoughts,

maybe an early departure on Sunday after brunch.

Oh, and for the chocolate fountain--