Happy Endings

Don't you think you should leave a little something in the tank

for tomorrow, buddy? It is Halloween, after all.

It's pre-gaming, bro.

Halloween is the super bowl of drinking.

Isn't the super bowl the super bowl of drinking?

- Uh, no. The super bowl is the Halloween of football. - What?

- What? - Anyway, I cannot wait

for this year's monster mash pumpkin bash, guys.

I mean, the buffets, ohh! The drag queen contests...

The smoking hot gir...

Rilla costumes.

Yeah, I'm right next to you.

It's basically a gorilla costume that's slightly singed,

like when you age a document.

Yeah, okay. Well, we're not going to the party, honey.

- We discussed this. Remember? - No, we didn't.

Brad, I'm hereby informing you that we will not be going

to the monster mash pumpkin bash.

We will be house-sitting for the Rubins.

Please confirm your listening by repeating what I just said.

We will not be going to the monster mash pumpkin bash.

We will be house-sitting for the Rubins.

That's the first I'm hearing of this.

- You guys, Adam ended it with me. - Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

- Who's Adam? - Hated that guy.

I mean, things were going so well, and then I suggested

a couples costume, and he, like, freaked out.

Yeah, Pen, you know that I am

the biggest couples costume advocate in the world.

- I mean, you've read my blog. - Of course.

But you can't throw

a couples costume at a guy after only three weeks.

Classic Penny overreach.

You might as well have just asked him to marry you,

you stupid idiot.

- Oh, we're not piling on... there? - No.

I mean, it wasn't, like, a romantic costume or anything.

It was just me as a new mom

and him as an infant strapped to me in a babybjorn.

Oh, my God. What was I thinking?

Penny. Penny, Penny, Penny,

Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny.

What?

I'll do it.

I'll be your baby.

- I wasn't asking you to. - You don't have to.

I'm always there for you,

plus you're going through a devastating breakup right now.

- I'm fine. - Oh, denial.

The first step in not wanting to admit things.

His lady gaga meat suit went bad,

so now he needs a costume to get into the party.

I want to be your wingbaby. I'll wear a diaper all night.

- Not a selling point. - For me it is. Halloween is the arbor day of urinating.

Wait. So that makes arbor day the wimbledon of having sex.

Yes! You get me, bro!

Ah! Yes!

Well, I finally get to wear my dream costume,

because I don't have to wear

a stupid couples costume this year.

- Oh, boy. - Looking good.

For the record, you're the one

that always made us wear couples costumes, okay?

Oh, that is not true.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, so it was just my idea to go

as "Carlito's Way" Sean Penn and "I am Sam" Sean Penn?

I thought you loved double Penn,

no.

No, I don't.

Good luck, my friend,

because tomorrow, I am gonna go in the costume

that I've been dying to go in for, like, 200 years or so,

and I am gonna be smokin' hot...

Okay, no. No, Al, you are not going anywhere.

God, you look like a finger in a 10-hour bath.

You look like Brett Butler after a karate class.

You look like Regis after a motorcycle accident.

Right?

We're not gonna pile on?

- She obviously doesn't feel well. - That is your sister.

- No one is close enough to high-five you. - Who is Brett Butler?

- "Grace under fire." - Oh.

- Yep. - Yeah, I can see that.

Ow. Okay, work with me here.

Don't, like, actively work against me.

Okay, right, left, right. Just like we talked about,

also exactly like normal walking.

Ugh. You sound like my real mom.

"Wall this way." "Clean up your mess."

"Stop referring to my figure as hilarious."

Oh, Max, can you-- can we?

Oh!

Hi.

- Hey. - Hello.

So... you heading into the party?

- Yeppers. - You betcha.

I'm Rick.

- Max. - Penny.

Just to clarify, which one of us are you flirting with mainly?

The mom, exclusively.

Fair enough.

Maybe I'll see you inside the party, m'lady?

Maybe you will, m'president.

Sire.

Ugh. Ooh.

- Oh, my God. Being straight sounds like so much work. - I know. It is.

(Imitating Mike Myers as Austin powers) Do I make you horny?

(Penny) Oh, boy.

That is the costume you were dying to wear?

Yeah, baby, yeah.

- Just talk normally. - No, baby, no.

Okay, fine. Guys, Austin powers--isn't this sweet?

I just wish Alex was here to see this costume kill.

Oh, she is so out of it.

When I put her to bed, she told me she couldn't marry me

because her father owned the plantation.

So I don't think she'll be joining us tonight.

Well, guess again. - What?

Someone had a different idea.

- Who? - What was the initial idea?

Just look over there.

?

?

Hey, guys. Good news.

Whatever I have is not from the bird I kissed.

Oh.

I can't believe you wouldn't wear your egg costume.

I mean, what's bacon without eggs?

I'm not gonna waste my Denver omelet costume

on a night in the suburbs. I cannot believe

you signed us up for house-sitting on Halloween.

Come on. Don't you want to see

al those cute little trick-or-treaters?

If I want to watch kids, I'll open a playground.

What? Come on. It'll be like test-driving our future.

We agreed we want to raise our kids in the suburbs.

I want to raise our kids in the city.

The suburbs are boring. The city's awesome.

No. City kids grow up way too fast. They drink, they smoke,

they get addicted to riverboat pai gow

and eventually have to steal

then sell their dad's carpet cleaning van

and blame the whole thing on Alex.

Man, that pai gow's a tricky bitch.

- It'll rob you of everything. - Yeah.

?

Well, Al, what do you think?

Super topical.

Can't wait to see your Borat costume in nine years.

(Imitates Sacha Baron Cohen as Borat) Is not gonna be nice.

I won't like. Wow. Wee-wow. Wow. Wow.

Okay, never do that again.

This costume is amazing--

crushed velvet suit, period glasses,

period teeth--teeth! Oh!

I forgot my teeth in the cab.

Doesn't matter. Still gonna kill it.

Hey, shall we shag now

or shag later, baby? Yeah!

Sweet Elton John costume.

Elton John?

You do look like Elton John.

Whatever. You sound like Brett Butler.

Jane already used that.

- No, no. She said you look like Brett Butler. - Really?

- Yeah. - Excuse me. I-I just had to tell you,

you are the most amazing Marilyn I have ever seen.

Seriously. Hi. I'm--I'm Henry, by the way.

Thanks. I'm Alex.

And a sexy voice to match.

- Can I buy you a drink? - Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you-- are you guys together?

Yeah, baby! No, actually, we're not together.

We're just friends. Funny story. There was this rollerblader--

I'd love to get a drink.

?

Uh, can I get a shot?

Aw, look at how beautiful breezy acres is!

They named their house? Who names their house?

You named your favorite pair of sweatpants.

Hey, you leave Karen out of this.

Come on. You're telling me

that you wouldn't want to live in a place like this?

I mean, square footage--check,

sound of crickets in the yard--check,

quiche stone in the kitchen-- check plus.

- I do not want those things. - Oh.

Well, except the quiche stone.

I mean, that thing'll pay for itself in, like, three quiches.

Mm, that's true.

Luckily, we can get one of those in the city.

You know what you can't get in the city?

Oh, no you di'int!

Breezy acres has a hot tub?

Yes, it do!

I can't wait to get in that thing with you.

Oh, we're gonna get so hot,

we're gonna make our own bubbles.

What?