Misbehavin'

Come on, let's play.

All right, all right.

I'm playing.

God damn it.

Mind your tongue.

I'll bet,

two souls.

Two souls, huh?

How many cards?

- One. -l'll take, two.

By the way, how's your flying lessons coming along?

- Not so good. I'm still grounded.

Luck be a lady tonight.

- You're going to take a dump or get off the can.

Make a bet.

Five souls.

You're five and raise your five.

- I'll call. - Read them and weep, dipshit.

Fullhouse.

Ah, not so fast, my friend.

I've got you by the tail this time.

Four aces, that'll be 13 souls.

You goddamn holy son of a bitch.

You have all the goddamn luck, Charlie. - That's Charles.

You goddamn holy son of a bitch.

You have all the goddamn luck, Charles.

Oh, come on, Lou.

You mustn't take the game so seriously.

What's a few souls between friends?

The trouble with you is you're too greedy.

You think you always have to win.

Greedy?

You'd be too if you were in my position.

Look at the conditions I have to work under.

Long hours, low wages, no rec room, no air conditioning.

Look at you, all fat and sassy.

Champagne, fine cigars,

color TV, private beach,

and a nifty deli.

That's what heaven's all about.

Where'd it go wrong, Charlie?

It's Charles.

Charles.

Will you wait a minute?

Now to be perfectly frank,

besides your garbage mouth, the whole secret is love.

Love? You going to start that crap again?

Yes, I am.

Love is the key.

Oh, Shit.

You follow the path of greed, not love.

That's why you're a loser.

Bullshit.

You trying to tell me all those rich bastards got way

they are by love?

You're not that stupid.

I'll bet you that if people had a choice of marrying for love or money,

they'd choose money. - You're on.

You're on.

What do you mean? - Just what I said.

You're on. I'll take your little bet.

I'll bet you 500 souls, love over greed.

- Make it a thousand. - Okay.

Now, our only problem is, who do we get to settle the bet?

Yes, who?

May I suggest Pat Boone?

- Nah, Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. Richard Nixon?

That's a giveaway.

- Mr. Goodbar? - No, thanks.

Dying. John Travolta?

- Can't dance. - That's a matter of opinion.

- Adolf Hitler? - You've got him already.

- I do? Oh, yes, that's right.

- Rodney Dangerfield? - No respect.

Don Rickles? - How insulting.

How aboutAnita Bryant?

Next.

Sammy Davis Jr.?

Boring.

Hey, I got it, I got it.

How about Rita?

- Rita Hayworth? - No, Rita Lawrence.

She's hot shit. - I don't know,

she's been married so many times she's got rice scars.

- I know, I know, but she is up for another husband.

- That's true, and she could swing either way.

Yes, that's what makes the odds so even.

Okay, Rita it is.

See you around.

- As I said, Esther, if you're going to get raped,

you might as well get fucked.

Have you ever been here before?

Oh, I spent a month here one weekend.

L'd love to go home.

D.F. or F.F.?

_Huh?

Diner first or fuck first?

Would you love me if I were poor?

Of course, I'd love you.

I'd miss you.

But I'd love you.

- My dear, watching you eat is like watching a sink back up.

Look, Mommy, there's Gloria.

How subtle.

Another splashy entrance.

L'll never go out with him again, Maggie.

After he was through, he wanted to kiss me.

Linda Lovelace and I go to the same dentist.

He told me I have the best set of teeth that he had ever come across.

- Hello? - Hello.

Darling, you look marvelous. - Oh, thank you.

- How are you? - Oh, you're wonderful.

Oh, it looks like a great party.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hello, sweetheart.

How are you? Good to see you.

Oh, it's wonderful.

- Hi, how are you? - Hi, sweetheart.

There you are.

Babes, how are you?

I'm sorry I'm late,

but as they say, better late than never.

Maggie, sweetheart, you look absolutely wonderful.

She should.

That facelift put her in hawk up to her ears.

Anyway, this party is for Rita.

She's celebrating her freedom.

Would you believe that this is her 13th divorce?

She goes through husbands faster than monkeys go through bananas.

That was Flora.

She's on some new diet.

I think it has something to do with eating it raw.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, babes.

Good grief, slap my tits.

Where are my men?

I'm Gloria, Rita's closest friend.

This is--

What did you say your name was?

Clyde.

Oh, howdy.

Mighty proud to meet your acquaintance.

Listen, I picked him up hitchhiking.

What do you expect?

Anyway, fox brains.

Aha, this should be interesting.

Agatha, babes, how are you?

This is Agatha and her son, Henry.

Henry is Rita's latest ex-husband.

I don't know how Rita does it, but she manages to maintain

this real friendly relationship with all of her exes.

Beats me.

Oh, Henry, do stop gaping.

You look like a simpleton.

- Sorry, Mother. - You should be.

Do what this pea-brained son of mine did?

- He made the most ridiculous divorce settlement.

-Imagine, giving that money-hungry trollop $5,000

a week alimony.

She's not a money-hungry trollop.

She's nice. -ls she?

Not only that, she gets the money for life,

whether she remarries or not.

He practically handed that bitch all my money on a silver platter.

She's not a bitch either, Mommy.

Besides, I still do love her.

- Oh, Henry, you never did have much taste.

In fact, the only taste he ever had was in his mouth.

Oh, I thought I'd lost you.

Isn't this party pure trash?

Speaking of trash--

Hello, Rita.

- Rita? Oh, Rita.

This is Rita. She's one of my oldest friends.

Isn't she taffy?

Rita, I don't know how you manage to keep yourself looking so young and beautiful.

Oh, I know.

Ijust hope I live to be as old as you look.

Rita, this is Clyde.

Clyde, Rita.

Howdy.

I'm mighty proud to meet your acquaintance.

Gloria tells me a lot about you.

I bet she does.

Where did you find him? He's delicious.

Now, hands off, darling.

This one is all mine.

We're going to go and circulate a little.

Gloria, watch your drinking.

I always watch what I drink.

- I really do adore Gloria, but she can be such a terror at times.

Isn't this a wonderful day for a divorce?

Lily?

I'd like to introduce you to Lily.

She's my housekeeper.

This is Lily.

Lily, won't you tell the people a little bit about yourself?

L'm five foot one.

My measurements are 32, 22, 32.

My hobbies are floors and windows.

I make a wonderful cauliflower souffle.