I Love Karditsa (του Στράτου Μαρκίδη) (I Love Karditsa)

-You have a big heart, Boss! -A very big heart!

-2 euros! -I'm in!

He played 1 million in the stock exchange and won 10.

These were different times!

Nowadays there's no money in the stock exchange anymore.

Capitalism is in the middle of a crisis.

You know shit about capitalism!

-4. -I pass.

I'm in!

3 more here!

4!

All in!

Alright with me! Full house, aces and kings!

Don't fucking touch them! I got 4 queens!

Fuck! At last I get a full house and he's got 4 of a kind!

-Tough luck! -Fuck! Don't push!

Maria is there. You see her?

Those queens killed me! I'm gonna buy some cigarettes.

Shall I order some ouzo or you're leaving?

Yorgo will take my place.

You got some good shit?

Some crumbs only, just enough for 2 joints.

-Come on now, roll them! -For you?

Yota, a pack of Winston.

Are you playing hard to get? You didn't show up yesterday!

My mother-in-low was sick, and I took her place in the grill.

-Liar! I didn't see you there. -Cut the small talk and go!

-Are you coming today? -No, I'll go to the grill again.

Come tomorrow to my house. Vangeli will be away.

Go, Grigori. The whole village is watching both of you!

-I'll pay later. I lost the card game. -You win at love.

They're after me, Uncle! You got to hide me!

Relax! Tell me what's going on! Who are after you?

All of them! All the New York families!

I lost Angelo Caprici's money and now they're all after me!

You really lost Caprici's money?

I stopped at a kiosk to buy some cigarettes...

and someone grabbed my brief-case with the money.

I was ashamed to say they robbed me and I said that I spent it.

I'll talk to Caprici.

I called him on the phone.

He said that when we meet they'll burn me alive.

-Priests don't get divorces. -They do!

I saw it on TV. A priest wants to marry another priest!

God forbid!

Hello! How are you, Grigori?

I'm fine.

-Food, Momma! I'm starving! -Help yourself.

-What's that? Beans again? -Why? Not good enough for you?

You won't have your momma forever!

She's old and when she closes her eyes...

what are you going to do without a woman taking care of you?

When I die he'll understand. He'll be alone and helpless.

I'm going to have my siesta. Don't make any noise.

And don't turn on the TV. I see the control in your hand!

As you wish!

-Ready to jerk off again? -Is that bothering you?

I got some good shit, local product!

How do you know it's local! It spoke Greek to you?

I bought it from a reliable person.

Like the other time? It gave me a headache for 2 days!

Not only my mom...

I have the 2 old hags breaking my balls everyday!

What can I say? My dad brought the Bulgarian slut in the house!

She takes his money and sends it to her kids in Sofia.

-Who's Sofia? -Bulgaria's capital, stupid!

We have no life here.

We must find some money and flee to Athens.

But how? I tried everything! Lotto, foot ball pools...

If you're born unlucky, fuck it! I can't even find a girl!

Old Mitsena wants you to marry Soula, her grand-daughter.

The fat one?

Fat, but she has a house, 20 acres and some cash!

How could I fuck her? With the cash?

You're so sex starved, you could fuck a goat...

if she was willing!

Pitsinas said they brought some first class whores in Karditsa.

From Russia, and one from China!

How's a Chinese pussy? Like that or like that?

Cut the bullshit!

My first experiment was not with those 2...

who caused the scandal that forced us to flee from Greece.

I had started my research 40 years ago.

Forgive me, Uncle, but I don't give a shit about your research!

If you put it that way, I must inform you...

that I'm not your uncle.

And whose nephew am I?

How can you be so stupid?

You're my first experiment. You're a cloning product!

It's a lie!

It's a lie!

I am nothing... nothing...

The original one lives in Karditsa!

-I missed you so much, baby! -Let me lock first.

You're such a tidy housewife! That excites me so much!

I got the pot on the fire!

You're so hot, baby!

Now I'll teach you how to cook the perfect dish!

Teach me, please!

Did I hurt you?

-He's back! He forgot something! -Fuck my luck!

Get out, fast!

Fuck, where can I go?

Not there! From the other side!

-Don't you hear me? You're deaf? -I heard you! Don't yell at me!

That thing got stuck! Where's my cell phone?

What you want it for? To call that widow?

Cut the bullshit and make me a coffee!

Go to your widow for a coffee or to your mother!

Leave my mother out of it! A sick woman!

If I'm to work at the grill, I want a salary!

And find me a woman to clean the house! I'm not your slave!

Many good men wanted me, but I was stupid enough to choose you!

I cook, I wash for you, I care for your mom, I go at the grill!

-And you keep on chasing widows! -Shut the fuck up!

I only asked for a cup of coffee!

By the way, why you're buttoned up like that?

I like it that way! I have nothing to explain!

Come on, we're hungry!

-Delicious! -I told you so!

-Look at that bastard! -Cool it!

Vangeli looks suspicious. Maybe they told him something.

-Get off! Who? -Maybe the widow.

That slut?

The jerk! Has a doll for a wife and he fucks the old bitch!

Let's go! We can't afford anything more that a beer!

And now what? Shall we go to the brothel?

-To do what! We're broke! -You'll see!

-Let's go! I have a hard on! -Let's go and see!

The money on the table! We leave a tip too!

Keep the change!

Genia, from Georgia.

Natasha, Ukraine.

Marsha, Latvia.

Svetlana, Russia.

-Where's the Chinese? -Forget her.

We got a bombshell here!

-Madam, where's the Chinese? -She's with a client.

You must wait.

-We're not good enough for you? -She's right! Go!

I don't like the Soviet ones! I'll wait for the Chinese!

Come here you!

Come with me and I'll make you a very happy man!

I got a gun in my pants!

-Peekaboo! -Madam! What are you doing here?

-An old hen is more juicy! -Fuck! I don't eat hens!

I'll make you forget who you are!

Yes, but I'll remember who you are!

-I'll teach you the joy of love! -Get off! Are you crazy?

-I'll make you very happy! -Get off me, you leech!

Madam, help!

-He's dead! -Who's dead?

Yorgo, what is it, buddy?

-Let's take him to the hospital. -You take him!

I want no trouble with the cops!

I don't know what happened. He had just finished!

All of a sudden he goes like...

And drops down! It's not my fault!

If something happened to him, I'll burn down this place!

Go to hell, Redneck! You and your Redneck friend!

You go to hell, slut, you and your fucking brothel!

Give me my clothes!

Let's get the fuck out of here!

-We fucked for free, buddy! -You fucked, I was fucked!

Our agent Dora Lukaki will wait for you at the Athens Airport.

She'll lead you to Karditsa so you can meet the man...

from whom you took your genes.

You'll take him to Athens and Dora will persuade him...

to take your place for a short... or a long time.

Caprici's men will take care of all the rest.

And you, with his ID card, you remain alive and kicking!

And I'll send you some money.

-You're Mike? -It's me.

Let's go right now.

Yes...

I miss you, darling...

What are you wearing?

That red robe you like so much!

I got to go now.

And inside?

The lace panties... and those slippers...

I got to go, I'm telling you!

Your watch dog is there?

I'll wait for you at 7. And wear the lace panties!

Alright!

Yes, Vangeli dear!

Imagine, I'm in the other side of the world...

travelling with a girl I met only 2 hours ago!

-Tell me, what do you see? -I see one guy...

He's rather short...

How are our girls doing?

-We're fine, Yorgo. And you? -I'm fine too.

Anything good in the cup?

You know how many weddings I saw? And funerals too!

Sit down, boys. Shall I make some coffee for you?

Good idea.

And I'll have Katina read my cup!

Not Katina! Just Tina.

Welcome, boys! What brings you here?

You know, Granny... I came here to talk...