Breaking In

Oh, Cash.

You saved me from Skeletor. How romantic.

Anything for my soul mate Molly.

Now let me lay you down on this Tauntaun-skin rug and make some sweet...

Stop, stop, stop!

I feel like I'm about to see something I can't un-see.

Dude. This is called a destiny diorama.

I'm visualizing my future with Molly so it'll come true.

Yeah, we're gonna live in Castle Grayskull.

Okay, well, I don't get what you see in her,

but power to ya. Go for it.

Oh, I will. I'm gonna ask her out. Yeah.

I'm just building up my nerve. I'll do it in one...

Maybe two years.

I got plenty of time.

I'm being deported in three weeks.

No! Oh, my God! This is terrible!

How can this be happening to me?

Well, it's mostly happening to me.

My work visa expired because you never filled out the extension.

Yeah, I did.

Really? Well, pardon my French, but bollocks!

It's here, covered with coffee stains and penis doodles.

All right, all right. Everybody shutty. We can fight this.

I know a guy who knows a guy

who can bribe a guy at Immigration.

Hello. Agent Benson, please.

I see. I see. Good day.

He's dead.

Well, as H.R.,

I could petition the court for a stay of deportation,

but that could take months,

so your best option is to make me your bride.

It's legal.

Wait a minute. Yes. Okay.

Oh, my gosh.

You're gonna get married just like in that movie Green Card

where that fat French guy convinces Andie MacDowell that he's not an uggo.

Stop. No, stop.

When I used to fantasize about my wedding day,

a sham marriage is not what I had pictured.

Of course I'll marry you, Prince William.

I just have to let Hugh Grant down gently

and quit the Spice Girls.

Oh, brilliant, Molly.

Now let's do some kissy-kissy with our shirts off.

A wedding is a sacred bond between two people,

not to be trifled with.

Come on. I've trifled with that bitch four times.

You just say, "I do,"

and then when the bouncy-bouncy dies down,

you pull the rip cord and smoke a jay. No big whoop.

Wonderful.

Oz, what's going on with Molly?

Cash is freaking out over here.

Look, nobody wants the girl to stick around more than me.

When it comes to Veronica, Molly is my buffer.

She's my Buffy.

She's my rock.

She's the only one here that uses correct postage.

She will be missed.

Who am I gonna watch Downton Abbey with?

It's "Downtown." "Downtown Abbey."

Yeah, it's "Downtown." Ricky.

I'm pretty sure it's "Downtown."

Are we talking about the same Molly?

The one who leaves passive-aggressive post-it notes

all over my desk?

"Cameron, thank you so much

"for cleaning the office microwave."

Sounds okay to me.

No. I didn't clean it. She's being a dick.

Screw my 1-slash-2-year plan.

It's time I become her superhero and keep her in the country.

The hell is that?

It's my master replica green lantern engagement ring.

Easy, cupcake. When it comes to Molly,

she needs somebody who's all business,

not somebody who wants to get up in her business.

Yeah, Oz is right. You're way too emotionally involved.

Lucky for us, I am not.

Now the fate of this office depends on Molly sticking around.

That's why I'm gonna jump on this grenade and marry the girl myself.

I couldn't help but overhear, you know,

because I was hiding behind the Tron machine, spying.

You can't marry Molly. You already have a wife.

I think I'd know if I was married.

Son of a bitch.

So we got married in March 2005,

and then, oh, look, married again in June 2010...

Uh-huh. And then divorced in July...

Yeah.

And then, yes,

we ran into each other last year in Cozumel...

Got crazy drunk on tequila, and tied the knot again.

Oh. I guess we both ate the worm on that one, huh?

So we're married. What now?

Amy Kyleen Osbourne,

would you make me the happiest man on planet Earth,

and grant me a divorce?

Oh, Oz.

It's such a big decision. What's a girl to do? No.

"No"? What do you mean, "No"?

You loathe me. I loathe you.

That is the one thing we agree on.

Because what's the point?

We get together, and then we break up,

and then we have insane monkey sex...

Mmm-hmm.

And then we get back together,

so why not save the legal fees and just stay married?

'Cause this time, I mean it.

Okay. Well, I need to tell you that...

...got something pierced.

Oh, really? Mmm.

Oh, no, no! No, no, no.

I don't care what you got pierced.

Sign the papers.

Legal fees it is.

Unless...

Ooh!

Still a "no."

Nice piercing.

Hey, Molly.

I'd like you to meet Thor,

my personal trainer and your future husband.

Come on, Thor. Give her a peek under the hood.

Am I right? Huh?

No offense, Mr. Thor, but I think I'll pass.

Oh, great.

Well, you really screwed this one up. All right.

My place, usual time. Wear the thing.

Look, Veronica,

if I go through with this marriage,

it has to be 100% platonic.

No money, no sex, no love. Just like my parents.

All right. Let me get this straight.

So you want a plain, bland, vanilla, boring

Joe Shmoe who, sounds like, doesn't even like you.

Really? A post-it note on my windshield?

Yes. Got your attention, didn't it?

Perhaps now you'll hand in your expense reports

before I'm kicked out the country.

Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Well, it would be very useful if you...

I don't know. Would, please, because...

Well, maybe I could... "Please" what?

Please hand them in. "Them"? "Them" now?

It would be nice and professional of you... When are you talking about?

If you could just hand them in like everybody else

in the office has, on time... Well, it would be very professional

if you sent me an e-mail and stopped...

Three days ago, I sent you two e-mails. Ooh. Ooh.

What?

Oz, thank God. Uh, Veronica's forcing me to marry Molly.

And please don't say... I'll allow it.

No, just because you allow it

doesn't mean it has to be allowed. Yes, it does.

We're gonna have a dummy wedding, and you are the dummy.

You're gonna sign some papers,

answer a few questions, and bam!

In two years' time, you get a quickie divorce. You're a free man.

Two years?

I'll wait for her. It fits into my 1-slash-2-year plan.

No, you don't have to wait. You can have her.

No. No, you can't.

Oz, I'll never pass the immigration interview.

You know I'm the worst liar ever.

Who are you?

I work here.

I'm Dick Biggens.

Porn star Dick Biggens?

I have to admit...

I have very little faith in you, but we're out of options.

Help us, Cameron. You're our only hope.

No. No way. There's no way in hell.

He said, "Yes"!

So, haven't heard from your attorneys.

Have you signed the papers, or what?

Depends on if you agree to the pre-div.

What? It's like a reverse pre-nup.

It's just a little list of demands

before I grant you your freedom.

"Boat, house, houseboat, diamond..." Are you insane?

You want me to buy you a disengagement ring?

I'll allow it.

That's my thing.

See number 15. I get your catchphrases.

I see what you're trying to do here.

You're trying to rattle me, but it's not gonna work,

because it's just stuff. Take it all.

Well, that's good, because that brings me to our last item.

No. No. No, no, no, no, no! Hey!

I would rather be married to you for another hundred years

than give up my Kirk Chair.

What's the matter? It's just stuff, right?

Shatner gave me the chair. It's the Captain's chair.

It represents my yearning

to boldly go where no man has gone before.

Well, now it's gonna be a dog bed.