The IT Crowd

Wow! That's quite something. Quite an honour.

- I know. - They must be very impressed with you.

I didn't even know they had an Employee of the Month thing here.

- Really? I thought you won it once. - No, everyone thought I was dead.

Aha.

Employee... of the Month.

Yeah, it's a valued title.

- Have you ever won it? - Er, no. No, I haven't.

I don't know, Jen, sometimes I think it's because I just want it so damn much!

I am the Employee of the Month.

And yet, to a casual observer, it would appear that you do very little around here.

Yeah. They must have seen through that.

I think someone up there must have sensed something in me,

something I've always known was there - a greatness?

No, I'm not saying that, but... well, something.

Yeah! Yeah, I'm sensing something.

Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.

Guess who's won Employee of the Month.

- Roy. - No.

- Richmond. - No.

- Harry. - Who's Harry?

- The postman. - No.

- Me. - No.

- I said Roy, right? Richmond. - Meeeee!

- Oh! Oh, about time! - Yeah.

- Whatever happened to Richmond? - He got scurvy.

Be more specific. I'm trying to build up a picture of your role in Reynholm Industries.

Well, I'm the boss, head honcho, el numero uno,

Mr Big, the Godfather,

Lord of the Rings,

the Bourne Identity,

er... Taxi Driver,

Jaws.

I forgot the question quite a while back. Who are you again?

I'm April Shepherd. You're being made Richest magazine's Man of the Year.

- I'm doing the profile. - Oh, yes, that's right.

- You're the boss - what does that entail? - Oh, many things.

This morning, for instance, I had to choose the Employee of the Month from the box.

May I ask, what are you doing on that pad?

One of my little hobbies is caricature.

Sometimes I like to sketch someone as I'm talking to them.

- May I? - Well, I'm not very good.

I'm no Truman Capote.

Great. OK, erm... I'll tell you what, let's just do some quickfire questions.

Maybe they'll give me an insight into "the real you".

OK.

- Who is your favourite person from history? - Sherlock Holmes.

- Well, he's fictional. - Whoa!

I think you'd better check your facts there. Fictional?

Who took care of the business with the giant dog that was eating everybody?

It wasn't Watson.

Don't tell me, I suppose he was fictional too?

Maybe there was no giant dog.

No, no, I think you're playing games with me, young lady!

- OK, then, favourite fictional character? - Oh ... (chuckles) the Elephant Man.

Tell you what, let me widen the question out. Favourite popular figure?

- Churchill. - What is it you like about him?

I love the way he says:

"Oh, yes! Oh, yes!"

I think perhaps it's you who's playing games with me.

- You're a very surprising man, Mr Reynholm. - Yes...

I am a surprising man.

April, may I take you to dinner?

- Oh, I don't think I could possibly... - In Paris.

- Paris?! - Paris, yes.

It's the name of a new restaurant in Hull.

That's right, we're going to Hull!

Hey, Roy, come over here. Look at this.

"'The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams' -

Oprah Winfrey"?!

I suppose that is the biggest adventure.

Guys, come on in.

Sit down.

- Is this a new desk? - Yeah.

I thought I needed some new furniture, so I got some stuff from upstairs. Sit down.

I just thought, what with all this extra attention on us... on me,

it might be worth looking at ourselves and saying, "Hey, am I really giving it 110% ?"

"And if not, why not? What the heck is wrong with me? Am I mentally ill or something?"

Roy, let's start with you.

When you're upstairs, fiddling about with compu-ters,

would it hurt to smile?

Don't you realise what a difference that would make? Eh?

Come on, let's see a smile now. Come on.

No, more warmth. Warmer.

You're just showing more teeth. That's not warmth.

I would say that's more of a threatening look, actually.

I'll tell you what, Roy, keep at it. That's your homework. Moss...

- So, what's your speech going to be about? - What speech?

Every Employee of the Month has to give a speech in their area of expertise.

Which for you is "compu-ters".

- Where do I have to...? - At the monthly shareholders' meeting.

- When do I have to...? - Friday.

- What time...? - Morning.

How's that?

- What's up, guys? - All right, Jen?

Ohhhhh... God!

- Just writing a speech. - Oh, yeah, that's right.

- How's that going? - Good, good, good, good, good, good.

You know, I was thinking...

if there's anything you guys want to say, I can put it in, it's no problem.

Oh! Oh, yeah. Hm, interesting.

Erm, is there anything you'd like to say to the shareholders, Moss?

- Just say hi. - Say hi from us.

- OK. - I love this.

How many more times is she going to come in?

Maybe it'd be a good idea if you two contributed to this.

Oh, yeah? Why?

I think it would give you experience in writing a speech for a public figure.

Well, obviously, in our line of work that would be handy.

But you know what, Jen? I'm actually snowed under here.

Wait a second. Wait a second!

- Oh! Oh, what are we doing?! - Huh?

- We should totally write that speech! - Why?

- OK, offer to write the speech for Jen. - No.

She'll know something's up if I do it.

- You have to do it. - Why would I do that?

- Moss, do you trust me? - No.

- Do you trust me? - No.

If you trust me, then offer to write that speech.

I. Don't. Trust. You.

- (phone rings) - Hello?

I feel really bad, having all the fun writing this speech.

Do it. Offer, offer, offer.

Well, I suppose we could write the speech

so that, you know, you look like you know what you're talking about.

Thanks. I'm off for lunch. Leave it on my desk.

My God!

I know.

That's brilliant!

So now you understand why we have to write that speech for Jen.

She will say anything we tell her to.

She will say anything we tell her to.

We can put any old bollocks in that speech, and she shall repeat it.

It's going to be hilarious.

Sometimes I could kiss your mind, Roy!

OK, so let's just... I don't know, let's just throw around a few ideas.

- OK, let's do it. - OK.

Ooh! Could we tell her that there's an apple inside every Apple Mac?

- It's good. - Yeah.

We could say that Bill Gates is called Bill Gates because he owns a lot of gates.

Hm! That's good. It's not quite punchy enough.

And it's probably true now anyway - I'll bet he does own a lot of gates.

He probably does.

It's got to be something big.

I think I may have it.

What?

You best put seatbelts on your ears, Roy,

cos I'm going to take them for the ride of their lives.

- Delightful. - Oh, no, no, no. You're silly.

Do you know, I've never been so enchanted by a woman in all my life.

What's your name again? I know you told me.

- April. - Ah, what a charming name.

Always been one of my favourites.

April... after dinner, would you do me the honour of accompanying me to my bed?

- Oh. Erm... - No, I've said too much!

I've let my heart overpower my head, which is my wont.

But I don't care. I find you enchanting.

And there's a condom machine in the toilet - I've checked.

I'm very flattered, Douglas, but, erm... there's a problem, something I should tell you.

- Go on. - Erm...

I-I have a secret.

I could dance around the subject, but I like you, I want to be straight with you.

Oh?