Michael Kosta: Detroit. NY. LA.

Comedy is a terrible profession.

It is a terrible, terrible profession.

You get paid nothing for many, many years.

Everything about it sucks.

But every once in a while, you have an evening

that makes you do it for another ten years,

and that's tonight's evening.

Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Kosta!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Thank you.

Thank you, everybody. This is great.

Michigan, we're in the house, huh?

Come on! Come on!

Come on!

Love Michigan. From Ann Arbor.

You know, not too far away.

I live in New York now.

They don't know what Michigan is.

I'll say, "Yeah, I'm from Michigan."

And they'll go, "Oh, yeah,

I have a, uh, cousin in Minneapolis."

And you go, "What?"

"You mean a 15-hour drive west

of where I said I'm from?"

And they go, "Oh, yeah, my, uh, grandpa fishes in Montana."

Are you just saying places

that start with the letter M?

I grew up middle class.

Love middle class, you know?

I'm wealthy now, but I was middle class then, you know?

We had everything we needed.

We weren't rich. We weren't poor.

One summer, I remember I couldn't go to soccer camp.

My dad said, "We don't have enough money

to send you to soccer camp."

So, I understand struggle, you know?

I-I-I understand sacrifice.

And then seven years ago, my dad retires.

What? Excuse me?

And he and my mom retire to New York City.

What?

They got a three-bedroom condominium

in the Upper West Side of Manhattan.

Excuse me? With a doorman.

What?

First time I walked in their apartment,

I said, "What the fuck is this? Huh?"

"I can't go to soccer camp in 1996,

and you got two guest bedrooms right now?"

So, I live with my parents.

I did!

I did! I did!

I was 38 years old.

I got hired on "The Daily Show,"

and I was sleeping in a twin bed

at my parents' house,

and it was nice.

It's nice, dude, I'm telling you.

It's nice, dude! I'm telling you.

28 with your parents, something went wrong, you know,

but 38, it's nice, man, I'm telling you, it's nice.

"Yeah, Mom, make coffee."

They're getting old now.

When I was living with them before as a kid,

you didn't know they were old, but now I'm like, "Holy shit,

that's a lot of vitamins on Dad's plate," you know?

Dad loves vitamins. Your dad into vitamins?

My dad is into vitamins.

He read a blog on vitamins four years ago,

and he is sticking with it, ladies and gentlemen.

Any problem, vitamins will fix it.

My mom has been depressed. We don't know why.

"Mom, why are you depressed?"

"Michael, I'm 73. I can't move like I used to.

I lost two of my friends this year."

Isn't that sad? Heartbreaking?

Hearing your mom say that?

My dad, "Ah, she just needs more zinc."

What?

Is--is that how zinc works, Dad?

Is zinc gonna bring Mom's dead friends back to life?

This can't--

So, now I'm in New York, living in New York City.

Greatest city in the world.

You know, that's what they scream at you

right before they shove you down the subway stairs.

"Greatest city! Greatest city!

Greatest!"

Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab!

Greatest city! Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab!

Greatest city in the world!

New York City is like the prettiest girl in the bar

if she was like, "Hey,

prettiest girl's right fucking here!

Prettiest girl! Prettiest girl's right here!"

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Yeah, okay, you're pretty, you're pretty.

You know who's prettier?

The girl behind you who's shutting the fuck up

for a second.

I think her name's Montreal?

You walk everywhere in New York.

You guys don't walk anywhere here.

Holy shit do you not walk anywhere.

You hate when you see somebody walking here.

I was walking on the sidewalk.

"Get him!" You guys drive your car up.

"What's he doing walking?

"Get him! Hit him!

"Nobody walks! Detroit, Motor City!

"Hit him!

"No walking allowed here.

Don't even think about walking."

And you're always wet.

I'm always wet every day in New York somehow.

Summer, it's humid. I'm walking.

Ass, wet. Armpits, wet.

Random air conditioners dripping on you.

Was that an air conditioner? I don't know, keep going.

Wet, wet, wet.

Fall, I put a jacket on, then the sun comes out.

Neck, wet. Head, wet.

Backpack, wet.

Winter, you put on all these clothes, right,

then you sit in the subway heat.

Neck, wet. Hamstrings, wet.

Feet, wet. Change my socks.

Feet, wet. Change my socks.

Spring, raining, raining, wet.

Bus, puddles, wet.

I'm always wet!

Living in New York is like being Leonardo DiCaprio

in every single one of his movies.

Let's go through 'em.

What do you wanna start with? "Titanic"?

Drowns to death. Wet.

"Great Gatsby." Dies in the pool at the end.

Wet.

"Shutter Island." It's an island.

Wet.

"The Beach"? Wet.

Give me some. Give me some Leonardo movies.

Give me some. - "Inception"!

"Inception," first dream, pouring rain--wet.

"Gangs of New York." He's in the whorehouse

sweating the whole time. Wet.

"Gilbert Grape." Takes a bath in the second act.

Wet.

Give me some more!

"Departed." Movie theater scene.

Wearing a hat. Starts raining on him.

Wet.

"Revenant." Starts in a fucking river.

Wet!

"Great Gatsby" I already said. It was the second example.

What's wrong with this audience?

He dies in the pool at the end.

Pay attention! Wet!

- "Blood Diamond." - "Blood Diamond."

Runs into a river shooting a machine gun, wet.

"Aviator." Crashes into the ocean: wet.

"Basketball Diaries."

Top of the building jerking off.

Starts raining on him. Wet.

He's always wet.

He is always wet.

Tom Cruise, always running.

They should do a movie together called "He's Running, I'm Wet."

My point is that I hate New York.

My point is that I hate New York.

It's the only city I've lived in

where I see a pill on the sidewalk

and I'll pick it up and swallow it.

I don't know what I'm gonna feel,

but it's gotta be better than this shitty reality.

What the fuck are we doing here?

Everybody hates it.

Everybody hates living here.

But we lie, don't we?

We say we love it to defend our rent

and our life decisions.

"Oh, I love New York."

Number one lie: "I love the energy.

I love the energy."

It's not energy, you idiots.

It's panic.

It's desperation. It's poverty.

It's working three jobs and trying to not get hit

by a bus every time you step outside.

"Oh, but it's the city that never sleeps."

Yeah, and that does explain why everybody's

such a fucking asshole all the time.

Maybe we should go to bed.

Anybody ever think of that?

That should be New York's slogan.

"Go to fucking bed, you guys. Jesus Christ."

Every day,

every day...