Bumping Mics with Jeff Ross & Dave Attell

Guys, thanks for coming. We know it's hot, so before we go in,

how about some free ice cream?

I always like Sunday nights because,

on the weekends people go out, it's date night or whatever.

But on Sunday, people who really want to laugh,

or really big comedy fans,

they make the effort to come out on a Sunday.

Here you go, flight risk.

It's not as good as health care, but it's ice cream.

Thank you.

Coming to the stage, Dave Attell and Jeffrey Ross,

Bumping Microphones!

The comedy duo!

Give it up for Ryan, everybody.

Yeah.

Yes.

Good times.

Good morning, everybody.

Welcome to Bumping Mics. It's our last show.

We made it Dave.

We made it. We sure did, buddy.

And look, Fred Flintstone came out. Look at that.

Nice.

Jeff,

I love these guys, I think I saw them on Wheel of Fortune in the '80s.

They look great.

"Is there an E."

Great to see you, Dave. You look like an umpire during a rain delay.

Oh, really?

Okay, coming from a guy who looks like a landlord in a gay porno.

I don't think...

It's on now, it's on.

Dave looks like he's always dressed for asbestos removal.

I told you not to talk about my other gig.

I mean, really.

It's hot Jeff.

It's so hot out there. Did everybody get ice cream before the show?

That was so nice.

By the way, when you go for ice cream now it's a completely different experience.

It is. Thank you. Everyone's so politically correct.

Yeah, I went for some vanilla ice cream and it's no longer called vanilla anymore.

"Privilege." Yeah.

"Can I get two scoops of Privilege in a gender-neutral cone, please?"

Can we say hi to our front row? Let's do it.

What's up you guys. What's your name, sir?

Eric.

Eric? And what's her name?

Haley. Haley?

And what's the name of your podcast about serial killers.

Go ahead.

Where you from, Haley? Georgia.

Wow. Georgia, okay.

So you two dating isn't even legal down there.

Wow. Shame!

Shame, shame.

Where'd you guys meet exactly?

In a bar, yeah.

In a bar, alright.

I met Jeff at a all-you-can-eat buffet.

Yeah, Dave was working there.

What do you think, Dave?

Looks like a nice couple.

I think they're great, dude, I think it's

that kind of night, everyone's gonna get drunk.

We're gonna have a great time, you know?

And maybe, if things go really good, we'll turn the air conditioning on.

What do you think? Yeah?

I mean, let us earn it.

Why don't you take one of your seven layers off?

Fuck no!

Excuse me.

Can I ask these guys... Are you going to

shovel the driveway after the show?

Oh, fuck off!

Fuck off, man. It's fucking summertime!

Holy shit.

Dave's dressed like a guy who has a job nobody wants when they're growing up.

What am I, your manager? That what it is?

Come on...

You got me, finally!

You fucking...

got me, bro.

You got...

Next. Next.

I can't really talk. Why?

Because I have to get these guys in a cab to go to the Carnival Cruise.

So these guys, how was it? Where we going?

You guys are something else.

What's going on, man?

They are great.

Wow, how long have you been an astronaut's wife?

Oh, nice one. I always love that.

Where you from? Memphis.

Whoo!

That voice makes me want to vote.

Here we go.

You know what I'm saying, now?

Gotta keep the wrong element out of there.

Thank you, Jeff. It's about time.

Are you patriotic?

I know you stay up on politics and stuff. You were telling me,

I know you care about the environment and stuff like that.

Did you hear what happened to the EPA website?

What do you mean?

You know, the Environmental Protection website?

There's a new administration and it's definitely different.

I was on there today.

So different, like a big, I think there was a banner headline that said

"Recycling is for fags." No.

Yeah!

They were in the midst...

Sorry, a woman's still laughing at my joke, Jeff.

Sorry, I know...

we're on a time. Quiet, lady!

It's only a half hour, but let me get a laugh from a beautiful woman.

It's a lady's time in the world now. It is.

It's an empowerment revolution.

As I man, I surrender. I think men have fucked this world up.

So bad, it's time to find out what you bitches are going to do with it.

It is.

Dave. Yes?

It's tough being a man right now.

Bruce Jenner got out just in time. He did!

He sure did.

What did he know? I don't get it.

Collusion!

I don't judge people, but if you're going to jump hurdles

in the Olympics, wouldn't you cut your dick off before that?

Yeah, tape it behind your leg, do something.

By the way, I'm ready to live in a world

where people finally keep their hands to themselves.

I mean, Harvey Weinstein... Who ever would have guessed

that a fat, disgusting movie producer

would turn out to be a total scumbag? Wow.

They asked the reporter where he got the story, he's like, "I asked anybody."

Wow, Jeff.

Harvey Weinstein is so fat

he's the only person in Hollywood who hasn't seen his dick.

Yeah.

You're on top of it. He's fat!

He's fat!

This went from comedy show to rally.

This is crazy in here. Harvey Weinstein's so fat

he got #methree'd.

Two in a row.

And the Fox News guy, Bill O'Reilly?

He had to pay some woman

a $32 million dollar settlement.

Yeah. What did he do to that poor woman?

Did he force her to watch his television show?

Oh, Jeff.

Alright.

Jeff, look. What?

It's you, if you owned a cat.

Yes. Wow. Ew.

Oh, that is weird. Meow!

Fuck, this is a hot crowd, Jeff.

It's all good.

Jeff, this is fun, because we're on the road, we went to Vegas...

That was the most fun. Oh, God.

You know, Vegas just legalized pot. Did you know that?

Yeah.

I really hope they work that into the commercial for Vegas.

"Do you like gambling? Do you like non-stop entertainment?

How about giggling in a hotel room alone?

Do you like that? You fucking pothead."

What happens in Vegas now stays in Vegas

'cause you can't remember what the fuck happened.

Exactly.

It was a good time.

I wanted to stay in a hotel that, well...

Dave, I really don't feel like arguing with you right now. I'm sorry, it still bothers me, so...

Dave wanted to stay at New York, New York,

but it was sold out so I booked us at Newark, Newark.

Yeah, it was really bad.

Oh, man, that was tough.

You took a shit in the lobby. Oh, God.

There was a shopping cart in the pool. It was horrible!

Vegas was fun, there were a lot of fun places we went to.

We were in Seattle, remember that? That was really good.

Seattle, where's Seattle here? Anybody?

Whoo! Nice.

Um, Seattle is cool, 'cause that's a hi-tech town.

All the apps and hi-tech stuff.

And you know me, I'm not a real hi-tech guy, I've got this flip phone.

You know.

This how old the phone is, okay?

I was walking down the street with the flip phone.

This guy came up to me goes, "Hey man, I just got out of jail.

Can I use your phone?" And I'm like, "Yeah."

And he's like, "No, that's okay."

What the fuck, Jeff? He just got out of jail.

Your flip phone, huh? Do you have Wi-Fi on that?

Yeah, no, it's an old phone, it's kind of like an old person.

It takes a long time to warm up

and then it's just racist.

You got to update that shit.

Wow, look at this.

Hi, how you doing? Welcome. Can I just show you what he's using as a phone?

Yeah, sure. I rock the classic flip phone.