Magic in the Water

Huh?

Oh!

Welcome back to the Jack black show.

I'm Jack black.

Before the break, we were talking to Maggie from magnolia.

So, let me get this straight, Maggie.

From an evolutionary point of view,

men have basically outserved their function as hunter/providers,

and according to you,

testosterone is going to destroy the world?

Look, all I'm saying is

after 5 marriages, I think I know something about men, you know.

Ditz.

I mean, there is a difference between men and women.

Duh!

So you're saying...

What I'm saying is that even when we're kids

girls are nurturers, boys are aggressors, that's all.

Girls want to play with dolls, and boys want to play with...

Themselves? Guns.

Men are what's wrong with the world.

Well, ma'am, speaking as Jack black,

your radio therapist,

I have just 2 words of advice:

Stop whining! Stop whining!

Next caller.

Next caller.

I don't know how you can call yourself a therapist

when you don't believe people should talk

about their problems. Isn't modern therapy...

Hey, modern therapy is the problem.

People wallowing in their own pathetic guilt at $100 an hour

instead of just getting on with it.

If more people listened to me, fewer people would listen to me.

But the work I've done on my inner child

has really helped...

Sir, I've 2 words of advice for your inner child:

Grow up!

Next caller.

Yeah, hi.

Go ahead, caller.

I need you to help me. To explain someone to me.

Ashley, do you know what time it is?

Go ahead, bubba.

Yeah, I just wanted to call and say

that your show really offends me.

Where're you calling from?

I'm at home.

Someone got a gun to your head?

No.

Then change the station! Next!

Yeah, dude.

Go ahead.

I listen to your show every night.

I've been doing it for 3 years.

3 words of advice, my friend:

Get a life! Get a life!

Next caller.

Hi.

Hello, Rochelle from...

Ashley, honey.

You wanna give me a hand with the groceries?

And please don't listen to that garbage.

But it's daddy's show.

I know.

Joshua, when I said grab a bag out of the car,

I meant something a bit bigger.

Ok, guys, let's go. Your father's gonna be here any minute.

I just have 2 words of advice for you:

Stop whining!

Next caller.

Hey, don't worry. He'll be here.

Dad!

Hi, Joshua. Dad.

You guys ready to cruise? Hmm?

What's with this research stuff?

They've been looking forward to this.

They haven't spent quality time with you since last summer.

It won't be a problem.

Right.

Come here. I love you guys.

You have a good time, ok? Come here.

"Interstate 5."

"Exit 176."

"Exit 177."

"U.S.-Canada customs. 5 miles."

How long is this ride, dad?

Just a second, Josh.

Yeah, Albert. You have my numbers, right?

You can reach me on my cell, or if that's busy, fax me in the car.

"Exit 301."

"Watch for falling rock."

"Welcome to glenorky, home of orky."

It's about time.

Dad, who's orky?

I know it is only 4 weeks, Albert, but I'll get it done. You have my word

dad?

Honey, can you get that, please? It's somewhere in the back.

They can give you brain cancer, you know.

Well, you can call me then. He has my numbers, right?

Whoa! Major road kill.

Dad, I got a close-up using the image...

2 words of advice, al: Relax.

Did you say something, honey?

I just wanted to know who orky was.

He's a stupid tourist attraction.

Like the Loch Ness monster, o vacant one.

Am I the only one who hears that?

All I want to know is if he's real or not?

What, honey?

That thing. Orky.

Probably some ancient Indian myth.

You know, some aboriginal deity.

Space, the final frontier.

Josh, get a life.

Dad, I bet I could drive this thing.

Dad. One second.

Where are we?

I don't know. We passed a bridge.

Left at the dairy queen?

I don't know. It's your map!

Ok, let's get started. Hi, everyone.

Hi, Dr. Bell.

Today we have a new recruit. Frank has come to us for help.

Frank, do you want to tell the others what you told me?

Uh.

Hi.

Um, i'm, uh...

Bob.

Hi, Bob.

Hi, Bob.

Frank, it's ok to use your real name here.

Oh, all right.

I'm frank.

Hi, frank.

- Hi, frank. - Hi.

And, uh, my body was

inhabited by

Orky.

Oh, god. See, now we're into it.

Ok, here we go.

I told you about orky, huh?

Uh, he was in my body.

Did you get to go into his cave?

He was you and you were him, right?

This isn't happening. I'm not hearing this.

I don't believe in monsters 'cause monsters don't exist.

In his cave...

Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Gentlemen!

Right.

Go ahead, frank.

Well, at first, I... I was scared.

And then

it was amazing.

I could actually breathe underwater.

And when you came to, you were building a sandcastle?

I don't believe in monsters, 'cause monsters don't exist.

It didn't inhabit my body, I didn't become a fish.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Gent-gentlemen!

Dad, is this it?

Looks like some demented tepee or something.

We have a dock. Our own dock.

This is great!

Dad, come look!

Water.

Uncarbonated.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

You're just like your mother.

No, that's... that's good. That's good.

Want to race to the beach?

On your marks, get...

Wait, wait.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi.

"Dad's easter. June 20th."

I hate to tell you this, but I don't think there's a cassette player.

That's ok, I can hear them in my head.

I just locked that.

Yeah.

Leave it locked!

Chicken. Chicken.

I'm not chicken, just close the damn window!

What are you chicken of?

Josh!

What is going on?

Hormones.

I asked him to close the window, and he called me a chicken.

You're 2 rational human beings, I've got work to do.

Deal with it.

Huh!

Daddy! Hey, dad!

Daddy!

Dad!

Dad!

The monster! He's real! He ate my cookies.

You mean, you lost your cookies.

Dad!

Greetings! I'm Joe pickled trout, your property manager.

Dad! Orky, he ate my cookies!