The Hebrew Hammer

- Hey, Mordechai, look, I dropped a penny.

Hey, Mordechai, want a bagel?

- Hey, Jew nose, save some oxygen for us.

- Hey, Mordy, my mom says that if your people don't wise up

and accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior,

you're all gonna burn in hell.

- Hey, everybody, look what Mordechai got.

Nice spinning top, Mordy.

Now, now, class,

let's not make fun of Mordechai's spinning top.

We all need to learn the importance of tolerance

and understanding.

Isn't that right, Mordechai?

Yes, Mrs. Highsmith.

- So, class, in honor of Mordechai's special day,

I'd like for all of you to wish Mordy a heartfelt

merry Chanewka day seven!

Happy Chanewka day.

That was very good, class.

I hope you've all learned a very important lesson today.

Just because Mordechai's people are different from us,

and just because they may appear strange to us

with their furry hat, beady eyes, and long sideburns,

not to mention their bizarre customs,

and unnecessarily guttural funny-sounding names,

just because they control all of the world's money,

yet they are too cheap to buy their children anything better

than spinning tops for presents,

does not mean that we can't learn

to love and respect them as our equals.

Happy Chanewyaka day seven, Mordy.

* Silent night *

* Holy night *

* All is calm *

* All is bright *

* Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child *

* Holy infant so tender and mild *

* Sleep in heavenly peace *

* Sleep in heavenly peace *

* Who's the certified circumcised dick *

* That's a sex machine to all the chicks *

* Hammer *

* Amen *

* He's just trying to do some good *

* Helping brothers in the hood *

* Hammer *

* Right on *

Yo, Hammer.

Happy Hanukkah, maccabee.

Thanks, Hammer!

- Hammer, why don't you come eat by us for Shabbat?

My Miriam is all grown up now.

God willing, you should settle down and marry.

- Yeah, well, hey, thanks for the offer, Mrs. Kleinman.

But right now, G-dash-d is the only one for me.

I can dig it!

Hammer, you're the baddest Heeb this side of Tel Aviv!

Shabbat Shalom, mama.

* Who's the kike that won't cop out *

* When there's gentiles all about *

* Hammer *

* All right *

* Can you dig it *

* He's a complicated Jew *

* But no one understands him but his mother *

- Give it back, give me my Yarmulke!

It's a frisbee!

We were gonna give it back. I swear to God.

You take God's name in vain?

No.

I didn't think so.

It's not like that.

What's it like?

We were just about to...

Leave.

- Yeah, yeah, that's right, we were just about to leave.

Come on, Teddy.

You all right, Shlomo?

I guess.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother praying to one God.

- Hey, hey, you listen to me, all right?

You be proud of you who are.

You're a bad, bold, big-nosed biblical brother.

You feeling me?

Yeah.

All right.

Hevenu Shalom Aleichem, little brother.

Thanks, Hammer.

Oh, and Shlomo, stay Jewish.

Happy Hanukkah, Tikva.

Happy Hanukkah, Mordy.

What's shaking, yenta?

- Well, for starters, your mother called.

She said to remind you you're having Shabbat dinner

by her tomorrow.

And to remind you to bring the Manischewitz.

And she wanted me to relate

the following information to you.

And what's the info?

- She said to remind you you're having Shabbat dinner

by her tomorrow,

and to remind you to bring the Manischewitz.

- Keep up the good work. I'll be in my office.

- I wanna start by thanking all of you

for pulling yourselves away from the workshop

to make this emergency meeting.

I know this is the busiest time of the year for all of you,

so I will try and be brief.

My father, often referred to as St. Nick the Nasty,

was a tyrannical man.

He was obsessed with making Christmas the only holiday

that anyone could celebrate before the new year.

Since his death, I've prided myself

on ensuring that the Christmas season is one of tolerance

and understanding between all races and religions.

Bullshit.

Lights, please.

Christ.

- Over the course of my career as Santa Claus,

I've made it my mission to ensure that Jews,

Christians, and African-Americans

could all observe their holidays in harmony.

I was the one who pushed.

I said, I was responsible for pushing

the happy holidays ordinance.

Yeah, push this.

- In which all Merry Christmas signage

was replaced by the trans-religious

and inoffensive phrase, "Happy Holidays."

That's Santa's yule log.

- Which is why, upon examination of my annual,

naughty and nice list, it shocked me to discover

that my own son, Damien, the heir to the red suit,

could be so filled with hate.

Damien, when I learned of your ludicrous scheme

to wipe out Hanukkah,

my first reaction was one of disgust.

Now I'm only filled with sadness and disappointment.

Disappointed that I failed to teach you

the true meaning of Christmas.

Damien, what do you have to say for yourself?

Oh, fuck it.

Ouch!

There we go.

What?

What are you little fucking midgets looking at?

I'm Santa now!

So get back to work, you little bitches.

We have a little something called Chanukah to destroy.

Up!

Gentlemen?

- I'm a denigrator. You're a denigrator.

Yet you can't handle the denigration.

Gentlemen, please.

Sheket, bevakashah!

Sheket, bevakashah!

Sheket.

Time to make a plan of action.

We predict that the St. Nick's day massacre

will set back Hanukkah-Christmas relations 100 years.

With this new meshuggeneh Santa Claus in power,

Hanukkah itself is in jeopardy.

The first order of business is to put into motion a plan

to create goodwill for the entire Jewish community.

Mr. Chairman of the Worldwide Jewish Media Conspiracy.

Yes, chief.

- We need your guys to crank out a couple more

of those award-winning holocaust documentaries

and maybe a new Adam Sandler movie.

- Not another Adam Sandler movie!

- What's wrong with Adam Sandler movies?

- You're trying to create some goodwill here.

I just think--

- Frankly, I don't care what you think!

I think you're a putz!

- Don't denigrate me, I'm against that!

Focus, people!

Second order of business.

We have to put into place an agent

to track this Santa Claus's every move.

I mean, a man who is not afraid to step in

and use force when it's necessary!

We need a tough Jew for this one.

You got suggestions, people?

What about Steven Spielberg?

He made E.T., how tough is that?

What about Itzhak Perlman?

- He's in a wheelchair, for crying out loud.

Alan Greenspan.

Henry Kissinger.

Too old.

Ed Koch!

- Ed Koch, Mr. fancy mayor, how am I doing? Where is he?

Robert Shapiro.

- He's a lawyer. We're looking for heroes here, people!

David Copperfield.

- What's he gonna do, Schmendrick?

Make Santa disappear?

Folks, we need a hard-hitting Heeb on this one!

Come on, think, people, think!