The Big Bang Theory

I'm telling you, if xenon emits ultraviolet light,

then those dark matter discoveries must be wrong.

Yes, well, if we lived in a world

where slow-moving xenon produced light,

then you'd be correct.

Also, pigs would fly,

my derriere would produce cotton candy,

and The Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic.

Oh, you're so arrogant.

If you were a superhero,

your name would be Captain Arrogant.

And you know what your superpower would be?

Arrogance.

You're wrong again.

If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Dr. Arroganto.

I love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together.

Yeah, it's like if Alien and Predator decided

to go partners in a Jamba Juice.

Has it occurred to you you're missing the big picture?

If you look at neutron scattering data... Oh, Penny?

Penny? What's up?

Nothing. I just wanted

to make Raj stop talking.

No, no, no.

He won. Suck it up.

Well, I'd ask you guys if you want dessert,

but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays.

And even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me.

Howard won't order anything,

but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment

involving the words pie or cheesecake.

And Leonard's lactose intolerant,

so he can't eat anything here

without his intestines blowing up

like a balloon animal.

Hang on a second.

I could have the fruit platter.

You want the fruit platter?

Does it have melon on it? Yeah.

No, I can't eat melon.

Oh, Howard, heads up.

Your ex-girlfriend just came in for her shift.

When was the last time you saw her?

Oh, not since we broke up.

Wow. How am I going to play this?

Sophisticated and relaxed?

Friendly, noncommittal?

Cold and distant?

Hi, guys. Hey.

Hello.

I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.

It's one of his best moves.

(soft, romantic instrumental music plays)

So, my dear, we meet again.

Hello, Howard.

I've missed you.

I've missed you, Katee Sackhoff.

One question. Anything.

Why am I wearing my Battlestar Galactica flight suit in bed?

Why are you in bed with me?

If we start to question this, it all falls apart.

Sorry.

Oh, ravish me, Howard.

My loins ache for you.

Okay, if you insist.

Howard, have you seen

my girdle?!

No, Ma!

I can't find it, and I'm late for my Weight Watchers meeting!

Maybe it committed suicide!

Leave me alone!

Now, where were we?

I believe you were about

to rip off my uniform with your teeth.

Bernadette?!

What are you doing here?

Well, if I had to guess, I'd say I'm here

because you saw me earlier this evening,

and you're still hung up on me.

No, I'm not.

Clearly you are.

Otherwise, based on past experience,

we'd be done by now.

Okay, I'm a little confused here.

Oh, my.

Can I help?

Not that kind of confused.

What's George Takei doing here?

Howard, do you have latent homosexual tendencies?

No, of course not.

So you say.

Yet, here I am.

George, let me ask you something.

How did you deal with being typecast

as a science fiction icon?

It's difficult.

You try and stretch as an actor--

do Strindberg, O'Neill,

but all they want is, "Course laid in, Captain."

Tell me about it.

It's frackin' frustrating.

Wait. Katee, why are you leaving?

She's leaving because you really want to be with me.

Howard, I found my girdle!

It was in the dryer!

Great, Ma!

I think it shrunk!

I'm spilling out like the Pillsbury Doughboy here!

And with that mental picture,

I think we're done for the evening.

You know, you never told me what happened

between you and Bernadette.

I did a stupid thing.

Yeah, I guessed that.

It was the kind of thing

that makes it kind of hard to face her now.

That covers anything from farting in bed

to killing a homeless guy.

Oh, my God.

You ran over a hobo.

No. Stop asking.

All right, fine. So you want to get back together with her,

but you're too ashamed to face her

because of whatever it is you did.

In a nutshell. Okay.

Well, how about this?

Kidnap Bernadette from the opera

wearing a creepy mask so she doesn't know it's you.

Now, you see, I don't know if you're kidding or not.

You're being unreasonable.

Why can't I have a desk?!

Our collaboration is a work of the mind.

We don't need desks.

You have a desk.

Correct. But I can't have one.

You're two for two.

Why can't he have a desk, Sheldon?

Oh, Lord, will this day never end?

As I've explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali,

whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him

when it's convenient,

there's absolutely no money

in my budget for additional office furniture.

Oh, but there's money for a drawer full of Red Vines,

a marshmallow shooting rifle,

and a super executive ant farm with glow-in-the-dark sand?

Yes.

Okay, what if he buys his own desk?

Yeah, what if I buy my own desk?

That's ridiculous. Why?

Because...

Yes?

It's my office.

Sheldon. All right, all right.

He can buy his own desk.

And I can put it in your office?

Well, you really want

to dot the I's and cross the T's, don't you?

Why would you want a glow-in-the-dark ant farm?

They do some of their best work at night.

Ah, it's okay.

Penny?

Penny?

Penny?

Penny?

Would you have opened the door if you knew it was me?

Not since I found out

the teddy bear you gave me had a webcam in it.

I just have a question.

Does Bernadette ever talk about me?

Oh, absolutely.

She does? Yeah, sure.

Just yesterday, she asked,

"Why is Howard hiding under the table?"

She saw that, huh?

Oh, no, not at first.

Right after I pointed it out.

Let me ask you something else.

Is she seeing anybody?

Oh, not that I know of.

Hey, while we're on the subject,

why did you guys break up anyway?

Oh, I'd rather not say.

Howard, if you want my help, I've got to know what happened.

But it's embarrassing...

Yeah, that's what I'm counting on. Spill.

Okay. Well, you know World of Warcraft?

Um, the online game? Sure.

Well, did you know

that the characters in the game can have sex with each other?

Oh, God. I think I see where this is going.

Her name was Glissinda the Troll.

Bernadette walked in on me

while we were doing the cyber-nasty

under the Bridge of Souls.

Oh, you're right.

That is so embarrassing.

Would you talk to her?

Bernadette or the troll?

Bernadette. She was so mad at me,