Bergerac

HE SIGHS

Ah!

LOUD THUD Argh!

Oh!

Shit!

Ah...

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

MUFFLED SCREAMS

COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING

HE GASPS FOR BREATH

HE COUGHS

You saved me.

Thank you.

You don't know who I am, do you?

So, put your hands together for my good friend,

businessman,

terrible golfer... LAUGHTER

...even worse swimmer... LAUGHTER

...the groom.

GUESTS CLAP

You don't have to do this.

No, it's fine.

Erm...

Erm, yeah.

Erm, so... Hello.

Quite a day.

Erm, thank you to everyone for joining Monica and me

on this amazing day.

Erm...

We keep so many things hidden...

...don't we?

I mean, there's so many things we...

...we just bury.

And we think it's the right thing to do.

You know, we think that if all our secrets came out,

our lives would be ruined.

Ha!

Like they protect us. Well, they don't.

They imprison us, they stop us...

...from being who we could be...

...and I can't live like that anymore.

So, from now on...

...no more secrets.

MURMURING

The best part of my job is giving people their first homes.

Newly-weds or, you know, maybe they've just had a baby.

Handing them the keys and seeing their faces light up.

I remember renting.

Erm, yeah, well, I lost half of my deposit

because there was limescale on a tap.

I put a picture up in the bedroom.

You should have gone to court.

No, yeah. HE SCOFFS

Sure, yeah, with all the spare money I had after paying

the landlord's mortgage for a year.

Anyway, you know, the lettings agent sided with him.

That only happens if the tenant breaks a clause in the contract.

Yeah, I mean, I'd occupied the property, I'd breathed in and out.

Someone else's property.

It belonged to someone else.

Sorry if that comes as a shock to you.

No, my job brings me into lots of people's homes.

I've seen rented flats with no heating, broken windows, mould.

Hmm. They didn't view it before they moved in.

Ah, it's not as simple as that.

Erm...

...it kind of is.

Tony?

SHE SCREAMS

Thank you. It was really lovely.

How was your linguine? It was a lot like carbonara.

You should've said. I ordered carbonara.

Thank you.

If they'd brought me the wrong meal, why wouldn't I just say?

Well, I don't know. If you didn't want to appear difficult.

Difficult?

Difficult was not the right word.

Getting the meal I ordered...

Is not being difficult.

Erm, let me walk you to your car.

Sure.

Or we could not.

Yeah... Yeah, that would also work.

Erm... Good luck.

That was genuinely painful.

You heard all that? I only caught the death rattle,

but every inch of me is clenched.

She was kind of a dick, though.

Thank you.

Wasn't she?

Erm, to be fair...

...you were too.

Ah, you see, now you're being ridiculous.

At least I'm not being "difficult".

Yeah, I actually said that, didn't I?

It's nice that she wished you good luck, though. All the best dates

end with one person wishing the other one good luck.

You'd think it would come up in more ballads.

SHE LAUGHS

MONICA SOBS

So, does whoever pulls out the knife become...

...King of Jersey?

Shut up, Michael!

Well, what do we do?

You're the bloody policeman, do we call someone?

Ian!

Why are you in Jersey? Why am I in Jersey?

SHE LAUGHS I came to see my mum.

I'm trying to rebuild some bridges.

But I backed out, which I knew I would.

Let me guess, step eight?

The willingness to make amends to the people we've wronged.

It's the orange juice,

you don't even have the wine list on the table,

and the elastic band on your wrist.

You snap it to break the thought cycle.

You should be a detective.

HE LAUGHS People have said that.

You're drinking water.

Step one. Uh-huh.

Wow.

A baby. HE CHUCKLES

Still stumbling through the wreckage, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's shocking just how much I was able to ruin.

Have you got anyone looking after you?

PHONE BUZZES

Give me a sec.

I have to take this.

I should go.

Look, I don't know how long I'm going to be here for, so...

...make it interesting.

Jim Bergerac.

Right, the victim is Tony Sallinger, 64.

It was his wedding.

He was found dead in his hotel room by his sister, Ruth.

Single stab wound to the chest.

We're putting time of death somewhere between 7:45pm and 8:30pm.

We all know Ian Monkford, from the Drug Squad.

Ian was a guest at the wedding, he knew the victim,

so I've asked him to give us a breakdown of the principles.

Oh, erm, yeah, right.

Hello, everyone. Barney, again.

Thanks for the intel on the contaminated batch.

No worries, fella. That's just right place, right time.

Pivotal shit, mate. Guys, go for a drink sometime.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Erm, it was Tony's wedding.

He married Monica, Monica Barton.

Then there's Ruth, Tony's sister.

She and Tony own a pharmaceutical company together.

Monica has a son from her first marriage.

There's a daughter - she didn't come.

I've not met her... Not sure who has.

Did anything out of the ordinary happen today? Any fights?

I mean, it was a wedding.

Well, he...

He fell in the swimming pool.

Tony did? A waiter saved him.

Everybody thought it was really funny, to be honest. OK.

Weird.

Thanks, Ian.

Well... Ian.

See you later. Oh... Cheers, mate. Cheers.

Anybody else think it's very convenient

this guy gets murdered hours after he gets married?

Tell you why - because as soon as he signs that marriage certificate,

the wife, or the widow now, she gets everything.

Yeah. I mean, let's keep our minds open,

but, yeah, I mean, potentially massively convenient.

Take a look at the company for any litigations, scandals.

Simon, call the station, get the incident room up and running.

And someone find this waiter that pulled Tony from the pool.

Yeah. Thank you.

Hey.

It's your thing tomorrow, isn't it? Yep.

How are you feeling? Yeah, I'm looking forward to it, actually.

Well, good luck.

Yeah, good luck.

All right, don't go on about it. Christ!

Why were there so few guests here?

The call came in about 8:55pm, but the manager said

that pretty much everyone had gone except for you and the family.

Well, after Tony's speech, everything went a bit, erm...

I think he was still rattled after falling in the pool

and he started to say things.

What things? Erm, he talked about secrets.

"No more secrets", he said.

I'm sure somebody's filmed it.

And then him and the family went upstairs to his room

and everybody was like, "What happens now?"

And so they all just went.

OK.

I'll get Simon to take your statement, then go home.

Oh, no, Jim, I want to help.

What? No. That's not possible.

There's yours and Tony's connection, plus you were at the wedding,

so, strictly speaking, you're a witness,

and, well, you know, I'm sure your team can't spare you.

No, no, it's dead quiet after we sorted that bad batch.