Tower Heist

Good morning, New York.

Today we are talking about cheese until the sun comes up.

Specifically, bouchon cheese.

I like to pair this with a nice '77 sauvignon blanc.

It's perfect for an intimate meal or for a large gathering.

You will never go wrong with semi-soft cheeses.

Let us go to Scott in Crown Heights.

He has been wondering about Brie.

NASDAQ dropped its noisy effort

to take over the New York Stock Exchange.

It slunk away saying it became clear

regulators wouldn't approve a merger

of the US's two dominant stock exchanges.

I think we have Barbara in the Bronx.

She's got a question about cheddar.

Go ahead, Barbara.

You can have my rook, but I will take

that.

Boom.

It seems investors may be in for an equally wild ride.

Get that bike around back. Come on, empty the truck.

Hey, it's the man in the suit. Hey.

What are you doing walking on my side of the street?

Very funny.

Punk-ass bitches walk on the other side of the street.

Same jokes as yesterday.

Walk by me again and I'm going to whoop your ass.

Good morning, Mr. Shaw. You are looking lean and mean today.

This is why I love you, Lester.

You're the best liar in New York.

Morning, Mr. Shaw. Hiya.

Everything is set for your dinner party.

I'm sending up some bouchon paired with a '77 sauvignon blanc.

Very nice.

If you don't mind my saying, are you sure you want.

Secretary Lowe and Janet Ramsey at the party together?

They were mentioned again on Page Six.

Jesus! I totally forgot they were screwing.

Yeah. Nice save, Josh.

What the hell would I do without you?

You would have to read the Post yourself.

No, I'm serious.

I am kicking the tires on a couple deals.

I might buy a hotel in Saint Bart's.

I'm looking for a GM.

I'm going to try and steal you away.

If I could bring Lester, we might have a deal.

Okay, deal.

All right. Have a good one.

Josh, one more thing.

What is that, sir?

Checkmate.

You got a security report for me?

Not much, Mr. K. A car alarm, two homeless and a really loud dog.

Good morning, Josh. Hey, Rose.

How was your weekend?

Good. I was here. We steam-cleaned the garage,

had some killer take-out from Punjab Palace.

You are a wild man. That's me.

Mr. K.

Hey, Odessa.

My work visa's about to expire. You must find me a husband.

Okay. Can I have my bagel first?

I need a man before these pricks throw me out of the country.

All right, and what about Manuel? He's a catch.

I tried. He couldn't handle me.

Okay. Rose, don't write that down.

Morning. Morning, Kwan.

We have birthdays in 3714 and 4399.

The Jameson twins like the cupcakes from Magnolia,

Mr. Causwell likes the hot fudge sundae at Sardi's.

And Mrs. Hightower landed three days early

from Cairo, be here in an hour.

Does Mr. Hightower know?

Josh, a word, right now.

Yes, sir, Mr. Simon.

Where's Charlie? I got an empty concierge desk.

I think he's checking on Mrs. Cronan.

Now that's bullshit! Mrs. Cronan is at physical therapy.

He has got three minutes.

Can only be convicted if the prosecution proves all the...

Miss lovenko.

Holy shit! What?

We do this thing, you and I,

where you pretend not to study for the bar exam

and I pretend not to notice.

I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

See, we're doing it. Doing what?

Right now, we're doing the thing, where you pretend not...

No.

I know the exam is coming up this week, so study in my office

during your lunch break, okay? Because I never use it.

Okay, but I'm not studying, so it would not make much sense.

Wait. Shh! Hear that?

Someone is buzzing.

Hey, shush!

Everybody, shush!

Who's buzzing?

I hear it. It's faint,

it's muffled, but I hear it. Fess up!

Who's buzzing? Come on!

Who the hell is buzzing?

It's me, my bad. I had it on vibrate.

Josh, this is Enrique Dev'Reaux.

He's our new elevator operator.

I didn't hire you.

He's a quarter Cherokee, you know we need an Indian.

So give him a shot.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Kovaks.

I've spent the last three years working at the BK,

and I'm ready for the big leagues.

BK? What is that? A building downtown?

No, it's a Burger King in Times Square.

All right. Walk with me, Mr. Dev'Reaux.

The average apartment at The Tower costs $5.6 million.

It's the most expensive real estate in North America.

We have the best views, the most advanced security system,

key less entry, 24-hour video vibration detection.

But you know what these people are really buying?

White neighbors?

Us. The staff.

They pay for our full and undivided attention seven days a week.

So there's no cell phones, iPhones,

blackberries, texting, tweeting...

They had a rule at the BK, no sex in the storage room.

Same as your phone rule, right?

No, not the same, because your dick

has to come with you to work, Mr. Dev'Reaux,

but your phone can stay at home.

So don't hide it in your pocket or tuck it into your sock,

don't tape it under your balls or stick it up your ass,

because, eventually, I will find it.

They never checked my balls at the BK.

Sir, you can call me "Enrique" or "Lil' Disco" or "The Puerto Rican Mohican,"

that's my hip-hop name.

Morning, Judge Ramos. How did you do?

I ran the Reservoir, 15 flat.

Nice.

Where's Charlie? I need my cigars.

I think he took Mrs. Cronan to physical therapy.

I'll bring them up the second he gets here.

Thank you.

- Hey, Lester. - Good morning, Lester.

Hi, Lester.

What's invisible and smells like worms?

Bird farts.

We've heard that one before.

Have a great day at school.

Morning, Mr. Hightower.

Ma'am.

Sir, that package you ordered from Cairo arrived three days early.

Hmm. Yeah.

It's on its way from the airport right now.

Josh, can you have the chauffeur

pick us up at the back, please?

Already done. Thank you.

Darling, let's go.

That guy's daughter looks like a prostitute.

We're all about discretion here, Mr. Dev'Reaux.

Right, right. How do you guys split up the tips?

We don't. We never take tips at The Tower.

No, I don't really want to talk about it right now.

- Charlie. - Sasha!

Your brother's coming, I'm at work and I can't talk right now.

You're 20 minutes late! Where are Judge Ramos' cigars?

Right here.

Josh, I'm freaking out.

Can I help you?

Go.

What?

We just went to the OB/GYN, the baby is in the third trimester,

its head is six inches wide, your sister has a tiny vagina.

Everyone tells me to stop worrying. I said, "Stop worrying?"

In labor its head is going to get crushed

or it's going to blow out your sister's vagina.

Don't say the "V" word in the lobby.

I called your Uncle Marty.

He said all the women in your family have teeny tiny vaginae.

I've been covering your ass all week.

Simon is breathing down my neck.

What are you doing? I'm worried.

Did you hear what I was saying? Simon is going to fire you.

Simon is not going to fire me today. I got the red flowers.

Red flowers?

Yeah, it's Chinese New Year.

Mrs. Jin will be down here any second.

It's crucial the first thing she hears be something positive.

Her entire year depends on it.

Mrs. Jin.

Happy New Year.

Did you see that smile?

Wanted to see me?

Yeah.

Fitzhughs refusing to leave.

We've never had a forced eviction at The Tower.

If they drag Mr. Fitzhugh and his family into the street,

it's bad for all of us.

Why don't you talk to him?

This is your responsibility, Josh.

The bank comes in the morning. Get him out.