The Perfect Holiday

There it is.

Oh, the first snowflake of the season.

Come on, little fella. Come on.

That's it. That's it.

You can do it. You're almost here. You're almost here.

Come on.

Mmm.

Technical definition of a snowflake

is ice crystals surrounding a particle of dirt.

It's buttery, supple.

And with a clean finish.

Just like Christmas is supposed to taste.

So, technically, you are eating dirt.

Could I get one with onions and mustard?

Sure.

* It's the most wonderful time

* Of the year

I'm sorry. I'm...

Oh! I'm sorry. Excuse me.

* It's the most wonderful time

* Of the year

* There'll be much mistletoeing

* And hearts will be glowing

* When loved ones are near

Hey!

* It's the most wonderful time

* Of the year

A wise man once said, "The best Christmas present

"is a happy family all wrapped up with each other."

Or maybe it was a wise woman.

Men don't usually think that clear.

Like this guy.

He ain't had a clear thought since he left his wife and three kids.

He may think he has it all,

but he'll learn different, soon enough.

Now, let's move on from naughty to nice.

Meet Benjamin Armstrong. He writes love songs.

But he has yet to find that one true love of his own.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Did I say nice? I meant real nice.

Want some?

Oh, a candy cane for me?

What? Hey! Hey!

Now, over on the fancy side of town lives Nancy Taylor.

She's nice, too.

As far as money goes, she don't have a worry in the world.

I tell you what she does fret about, her three kids.

She's on the job 24/7.

Mom and dad, teacher, chauffeur, cook, cop.

Give me that. That was mine.

She's so busy being everything for everybody,

there's nobody left for her.

Better watch out, girl.

Santa's coming to town.

Next on VH1, Behind The Music looks at J-Jizzy.

Mom, come quick. Dad's on TV.

Yeah, come on.

I know, I know. Your father's always on TV.

But you know what?

He's gonna be here, live in the flesh,

at the front door in the next five minutes,

and you guys aren't even close to being ready.

I am. Me, too.

...the scandalous parties... Kind of.

...is that what you want them to think?

No, actually, that's not

what I want them to think, Ronique. Mom. Come on.

You see, that's only one side of me.

One side? Try your only side.

My name may be on a lot of things,

but the music, that's where my heart is at.

Heart?

In fact, I've dedicated an entire year... What heart?

...to the development of my new Christmas CD.

You know, that's going to get me spiritually closer to my fans,

and, of course...

Which camera are we working with here?

Family.

But if family's so important, then why your recent custody problem?

Yeah. How about that? Why?

Ronique, I've been advised not to

comment on matters currently under adjudication.

Yeah, especially one's you're gonna lose.

Mom, you're fighting with the TV again.

Yeah. Yes, I am.

But we want to spend Christmas vacation with Dad.

Yeah. Yeah.

Even if he's too busy to be there. Shut up.

Well, you can see him tonight,

but he's gonna be here in a hot second

and you guys are not even close to being ready.

Please, go get your coats on.

And put some pants on.

And put on some pants.

No pants...

Ain't nothing more precious to me

than my three beautiful children. That's right.

Come on, guys.

Come on, John-John.

You go ahead. I'm gonna wait five more minutes.

Just five more.

Five minutes.

He's coming. I know he is.

This is all a waste of time. This is nonsense, man. Every day...

Hold on, hold on, man. You're always thinking big, man.

You got to think big, not eat big, bro.

Look, we're sitting out here in the cold, waiting for this herb,

'cause you want to give him a CD?

Come on, man, we got a job.

Look... Let me tell you something.

Once Jizzy hears my stuff, man, he's gonna vibe to it, just like you did.

I like your songs, even the whack ones, but this is stupid.

Look, once he hears my music, he's gonna put me down.

I put you down. We all gonna come up, all right.

Yo, J! What up? Looking good, J. What's good?

You just get off me. Deal with you, Jizz.

I got a number one track. I got some hot tracks right here for you, bro.

I got some hot tracks. I got one right here, baby. Number one.

J-Jizzy, what's up, man?

Ben Armstrong, man, I been calling you.

Check it out, man. I got some hot tracks right here, man.

A lot of heart in these tracks, right up here.

I've been doing work...

You're not sexy, player.

I know that, but... Sexy.

Rottweiler!

You ready to go to work now? That's my man.

Get off me. Get your Jizzy Gear off me.

Where's my shoe? Where's my shoe?

Zip me up real quick. Did you zip?

I'm not zipped. My back is showing.

Are you ready?

Hey, kids, are you ready for Santa?

Yeah!

All righty. Santa, come out here.

You know, I really should be Santa.

Santa has to have a lap. You're the elf.

Look over there.

Okay, so, Mr. Famous didn't call again?

Unbelievable.

The man will spend $50,000 to fight me in court,

but can't spend three hours with his kids on his regular night.

Well, if I had to deal with that rotten rapper, I'd be angry too.

They had three beautiful babies, Brenda.

It couldn't have been all that bad.

No, it wasn't all bad.

Well, I wouldn't know.

Oh, we know you wouldn't know.

At the rate you're going, you'll never know.

Be back in 30 minutes. I mean it.

Look, Mommy, Santa.

Come on, girl, you can't find a couple of hours

to go to dinner with a nice man?

Even a not-so-nice man.

Take it from us, there's no shortage of those.

Please, it's not like I'm opposed to finding someone.

You know, especially someone who's nice and likes kids

and isn't all about himself, you know?

I mean, between John-John's piano lessons

and Emily's ballet and Mikey's football,

how am I supposed to even find the time to go out on a date?

No, seriously. You know what I want more than anything?

What? A compliment.

A compliment? Seriously, just a compliment.

From who? Obviously not us.

A man. Hello. A nice normal man who doesn't have an agenda,

who's not trying to hook up or get busy with me.

You know, imagine this, right?

I'm standing in front of a store,

a guy walks by, he sees me, he doubles back

and says, "Wow, you look really amazing."

And then he leaves. And that's it.

Okay, little girl, you're next. Show time.

Go and see Santa. Who are you?

I'm Santa's number one elf.

More like numbers one through 10.

Nice tights. Tell your momma.

Tell your momma, too.

Here we go.

Ho, ho, ho, little girl.

And what would you like for Christmas?

Besides everything.

I don't want anything for me.

Just for my mommy.

Really? What's your name, little girl?

I'm Emily, and that's my mom.

Which one is it? The one on the right?

Yeah.

Santa? Santa?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

See, it's like this. My mommy...

Here, fat boy. I wrote it, you bring it.

Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that.

Fine. Okay, cool. Next time you can be Santa.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Those kids are bad, man. Little bunch of greedy little kids.

Oh, man, you're telling me.

See that one kid hit me?

He hit you with the Holyfield.