Mr. Mayor

Today is the day.

Isn't that always true, sir?

Our sister city mayors start arriving this morning.

Hey, Jayden, I appreciate

that you listened when I said, "Try to look nice."

Oh, can you tell it's from a magician's costume?

I think the coat and tie is plenty.

- Oh. - Okay, this visit

isn't just about pleasantries and goodwill.

We have a chance to do real things for the city here.

I mean, Nagoya, Japan, has a bullet train

that could get you to San Diego in an hour.

To protest the navy's secret dolphin programs.

And I want to set up a cultural exchange

with the mayor of Giza.

The treasures of the pyramids in exchange for some

of our cultural artifacts,

like Kevin Hart's watch collection.

Kevin Hart lives in my building.

Jayden, we've been over this.

That's a precocious Black child.

And fingers crossed,

the mayor of Auckland could be our connection to finally

getting some chlamydia-free koalas for the LA Zoo.

Oh!

So this event was Jayden's brainchild,

so he will have the honor of picking the mayors up from LAX.

This is gonna be amazing.

I finally get to do what I'm good at.

- Keeping it tight? - Negotiating face-to-face,

turning on the charm, making deals,

cutting through red tape.

I mean, the bureaucracy here...

I'm still waiting for approval to remove that bust

of OJ Simpson.

But today it's just me in a room working my magic.

Oh, if you need a cape.

Last Father's Day, Orly gave me a mug that says,

"You got the same hours in a day as Beyoncé."

Well, today I'm getting more done than she ever dreamed of.

- You can't say that. - Take it back.

The hive is always listening.

Good weekend?

Fantastic. My downstairs neighbor

parked me in, so I couldn't leave the house.

It was a great opportunity for me to have cereal nine times.

Oh, you should've called me. I love cereal.

Oh, are we calling each other

like we interact outside of business hours?

Yeah, you're right. Seems risky.

Ooh, was that flirting?

Well, let me go get a plate,

'cause I need some of that dish, girlfriend.

What? No. Go away.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Do you really think he was flirting?

Let's just say that over the years,

I have observed a lot of romance.

- I'm my mom's wingman. - What?

Okay, well, there's nothing going on between me and James.

He and I are colleagues, so please don't share

your observations with anyone else, okay?

No problem, as long as I never experience

a lull in conversations, 'cause I can't handle silences.

Like this one.

Oh, God, Mikaela, please say something.

Fill the silence.

I give my cat a bath by licking it!

Okay, Orly, pretend you're the mayor of Nagoya.

You want me to pretend to be Japanese?

That's appropriation.

Fine, you can do Athens.

Hi, I'm the mayor of Athens.

You know, if you're just gonna phone it in...

- Is that gunfire? - I can't die today.

My dried flower arrangements are out there.

They're Kelly Clarkson for Wayfair!

Okay, back to one, people. Resetting the pyro.

Excuse me. Is this a film set?

It's a movie. Megan Fox is playing a senator.

Okay, you're gonna need to shut this down.

The mayor is throwing a party next door.

And we've got permits from the mayor's office.

"The Town 2, colon, Town and Out"?

You're shooting LA for Boston?

They're gonna change the palm trees

to statues of John Adams. It'll be fine.

But the mayors are coming in an hour.

This is so important to my boss and therefore to me.

If only the exposition in "The Town 2" were that subtle.

We're breaking for lunch in an hour,

so today's your lucky day.

Okay, so "hello" in Greek is "yassas."

"Yes-ass"? I'm not saying that.

Sir, about the commotion outside.

Yeah, why does anyone live on the east side?

It's loud, there's no ocean,

and every restaurant has to have a concept.

- Here's a concept: Italian. - Well observed, sir.

Anyway, the headline is: I took care of it.

Well, thank you, Tommy. You're a lifesaver.

Well, yeah,

I know how important today is,

so I flexed some muscle and was a real buff boy.

Oh, well, great job.

I don't know what the city would do without you.

A little birdie told me

you want to make babies with that I-Team boombalottie.

Damn it, Jayden.

My blood sugar drops right before lunch

and I get kind of quiet,

and that boy just has to fill the silence.

Okay, well, look, I know what you're gonna say,

but don't bother.

There is nothing going on between me and James.

Okay, and what was I gonna say?

Uh, dating your coworkers is a terrible idea.

Wrong.

This life of ours doesn't leave a lot of room for love,

so you got to get your jollies

whenever the Jolly Rancher rolls through town.

And when I was your age,

there was a young man I worked with.

Name was Yitzhak Schimmel,

Councilman Yitzhak Schimmel.

Damn, Arpi.

You say his name the way I say Regé-Jean Page.

He was a whole snack, that one.

Chest hairs sprouting like onion grass,

payos blowing in the wind.

We had a real connection.

How come I've never heard you talk about him?

Because nothing happened.

I figured I wasn't his type.

Then he ended up marrying David Spade's stunt woman,

so that's how wrong I was.

I don't want that for you.

Yeah, I don't want any of that for me.

So take your shot.

Yeah, okay.

I mean, I haven't had to make the first move with anyone

since my aesthetician separated my eyebrows,

but I can do this, right?

I'm not used to playing the BFF role,

so I looked up some girl power quotes online.

"Being in the Spice Girls was an insane experience."

- Melanie Chisholm. - Yeah, it was.

Okay, I got this.

But remember, per human resources,

you only get to ask once, so don't blow it.

Oh, yeah, okay.

If he wants to be your lover,

he's got to get with your friends.

That's a good one, Arpi.

Uh, no, son.

I'm coming, mayors!

Okay, that's lunch.

Catering is in that old house on Irving.

Where is the farthest bathroom?

Raj, as far as I'm concerned,

you don't exist till after lunch.

All right, is there lunch is at?

It most certainly is, your excellency.

- Right this way. - Oh.

Welcome. What an honor this is.

Please come in, come in.

Where is your farthest bathroom?

Far... up the stairs, last door on the left.

Yeah.

"Yes-ass."

Oh, okay.

Thank you for coming straight here.

I hope you're not too tired.

No, I took some of my stepson's ADHD medication,

so I am flying.

Ooh.

Some of these guys do not match

the pictures you printed out.

Oh, profile pics never match reality, sir.

Mine, very misleading.

Well, time to make some deals.

Watch and learn, Tommy.

This'll be like watching Michael Jordan

jump up and throw the ball

and it goes through a ring and then...

Stay in your lane, buddy.

The cryptocurrency I'm really into is called Batmancoin.

And if you're looking to buy some,

I'm looking to sell all of mine.

Well, it sounds wonderful.

Boy, I don't know how you do your day job

and take care of all these birds.

- They have machine feeders. - Oh, look at that.

I always change my shoes at lunch for energy.

If all your shoes are brown, you won't affect continuity.

What a beautiful proverb.

Oh, here we go.

What's up? Working for the weekend?

I am actually doing that Buzzfeed quiz you sent me,

and the Buzzfeed quiz I'm most like is