The New Adventures of Old Christine

Uh, where are all the kids?

Oh, is the football team giving them atomic wedgies again?

Well, the joke's on them,

because Ritchie doesn't wear underwear anymore.

Christine, band practice was cancelled

because of the field trip tomorrow.

You do remember the field trip, right?

You were the one who sent out the memo.

Uh, did I happen to mention where we were going?

It's the orchestra trip to Disney Hall.

They're taking a Hummer limo.

You volunteered to chaperone.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's coming back to me.

Okay, yes, I will see you tomorrow at...

Disney Hall.

Disney Hall. Yes, okay, bye.

You want your kid?

Oh, yeah. My kid.

Yeah, Ritchie. I know.

Where is he?

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay...

What is he doing? I'm okay...

I don't know, but he's been doing it for 45 minutes.

We were going to go and help him,

but it's just too funny.

Ritchie. Ritchie, are you okay? I'm okay. I'm okay...

What are you doing?

I didn't know how to get home.

Well, why didn't you just call me?

I don't know your number.

On my cell phone, you're one of my favorites.

I just push number two. Oh...

I'm one of his favorites.

Wait a minute-- number two?

Where's your cell phone?

I don't know. Why didn't you have the office call me?

I don't know. Well, why didn't you just ask Marly and Lindsay for help?

I don't know. Okay, honey, you can't get anywhere in this life

if you don't know where you are or what you're doing.

You're not a baby anymore.

You're 12 years old.

I'm 13.

Uh, oh...

Oh, yeah, happy birthday.

Okay, you know what? Let's just get out of here.

Okay? Come on.

Other way.

What? Oh, yeah. Okay, it's, um,

this way.

What are you doing?

Having a conversation with Dave.

I thought you guys weren't getting along.

We don't in person, but for some reason

when we text each other, it all clicks.

I think it filters out his dull and my mean.

I don't know why, but he makes me LOL.

Ha! Lol.

Do you know what that means?

Nope, but when she says it,

makes me laugh out loud.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

Okay, Ritchie, go upstairs.

You did a good job today. I'm proud of you.

Me, too, son. What'd he do?

He's a freakin' disaster, that's what he did.

What are you all doing in my house?

You invited us for dinner.

Oh, is it Thanksgiving?

What's wrong with you?

You're acting like Grandpa did

just before he started wearing that German uniform.

I'm sorry.

I got too much going on.

I'm having trouble keeping everything straight.

I don't know what is going on with me.

Yep, it's a mystery.

Maybe I should start doing crossword puzzles.

What's a nine-letter word for "drinking problem"?

No, that's not the problem, Barb.

The problem is Ritchie.

Okay, he got stuck at school today,

and he completely fell apart.

He didn't know how to ask for help.

He didn't know how to use a phone.

He was completely helpless.

You have failed as a parent.

Me? Why's it my fault?

Because you made him soft.

I said football and guns.

You're the one still tying his shoes for him.

That's because I thought he was 12, all right?

But we've got to fix this.

He's got no street smarts.

Barb, you've got to teach him some street smarts.

Why me?

Because Barb, uh, y...

You-You're-You're the kind of person

that probably has some street smarts.

What kind of person is that?

A kind of person like you, okay?

Uh, smart...

From the streets.

You might be better off texting her,

so that she can put on her mean filter.

You know what? I'm really serious about this.

When I was a kid, it was so independent.

I made my own dinners.

I'd leave the house early in the morning.

I wouldn't show up again until it was dark.

Our parents didn't baby me.

Our parents didn't know she was gone.

But it made me strong.

I survived by my own wits.

How are you still alive to tell this story?

See? See, these are the street smarts that I'm talking about.

Okay? And his wussy private school,

that isn't helping, either.

You know, tomorrow they're going on a field trip

in a Hummer limo.

There were no Hummers on my field trips.

Well...

Well...

Anyway, it is not too late to turn him around.

Starting now, we are going to stop babying him.

He's got to learn to do things for himself.

Mom, my bath is too hot.

Okay, I'm going to go blow on his bath,

but starting tomorrow, we are going to stop babying him.

I'm coming, darling boy.

Okay, everyone, we're gonna leave in just

a few minutes, but we've had a little change in plans.

Ms. Campbell had a very interesting idea

for our field trip today.

Now, I know that everyone

was excited about that Hummer limo...

Yay!

Hold on! Ms. Campbell had a different idea.

Instead of the Hummer...

Yay!

Why don't you tell them, Ms. Campbell?

Thank you, Principal Nunley.

You know, um, kids, when I was a kid, I was so independent.

I'd-I'd make my own dinners.

I would leave my house early in the morning.

I wouldn't show up again until it was dark.

I'd ride my bike to get my own cigarettes.

I'm not sure they need the back story, Ms. Campbell. Oh, oh, um...

Okay, well, today,

we are going to take the subway to go to Disney Concert Hall!

Boo! Boo! No! No!

Wait, wait, wait-- the subway?

Why-Why would we do such a thing, when we have a Hummer limo?

Yay!

No, no, no, no, no-- you can't

see life through the tinted windows of a Hummer limo.

Yay!

see life through Okay, stop. d windows Stop cheering!r limo.

We are taking the subway.

Boo!

It's going to teach you the things

that you aren't learning at this school.

You're never going to get ahead in this life relying on Hummers.

Well...

Well...We.

Well...

Hey.

What are you doing here?

You ate all the leftovers with my name on it

from last night, so there's nothing to eat in our place.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

We don't have any other food, because you haven't

done the grocery shopping like you said you would.

Yeah. Sorry.

You know, it doesn't really feel sincere when you say "sorry"

but continue to do the things you're sorry about.

Oh... Sorry.

Just maybe from now on,

could you be a little bit more considerate?

I didn't realize you had so many complaints.

But... since we're complaining,

maybe you could stop smelling up the place with your broccoli.

And I don't know how you have any hair left on your head

with the amount that ends up in the shower drain.

You have night terrors.

You use too much hand cream.

It's impossible to get a grip on any of the doorknobs.

Sorry.

There's words on my phone.

It's called a "text,"tarman.

I didn't know my phone could do that.

Whoa.

I didn't know anyone could do that.

That's nasty.

Who wrote that?

It's from Barb.

I think it's meant for Dave.

She is dirty.

Oh, and a really good sport.

Hey, you know what you should do?