The Boonies

Last season on Harley Quinn,

my bestie Ivy was engaged to this lame-o,

but I was in love with her, too.

Joker got a second acid bath. I kicked Psycho's ass.

Hard passed Darkseid.

Saved Ivy from her own wedding and we drove off into the sunset.

What do you think we did next, hmm?

Now let's shed those leaves.

Uh, yeah, I'm Ivy, ooh, yea...

I don't even wear leaves.

Still, ya gotta respect the hustle.

I mean, they wrote, shot, and edited this in two weeks since Psycho blew up our spot.

Was that only two weeks ago? It feels like so much longer.

I know, right?

The sign says "no girls allowed"

Superman's dead dad?

Harlivy? What are you doing here?

Ooh! Is that our official celeb couple name?

Ugh, I would have just gone with "Hivey".

I hadn't said it out loud before, it looks better in writing.

Now surrender, fugitives! Wait, are you watching a dirty movie?

This is the Fortress of Solitude!

L-O-L a "dirty movie"?

Uh, relax, we just dropped in to chill for a bit and eat all your chips

while Gordon's looking for us, okay?

Your big, dumb son says it's okay.

Oh, did he now?

Perhaps we should call him.

-You really don't have to do that. -Yeah, don't do that.

Ladies, your honeymoon is over.

Wrong again! It's just beginning!

C'mon, Hivey, let's bounce.

Come back here and face justice!

Wait, did you sign up for HBO Max?

I already used my free trial!

Shit, shit, shit, where'd we park? God!

How does Wonder Woman keep track of this damn jet?

Oh! It's right over there. Yay!

So, what do we do now?

Let the "Eat Bang Kill" tour begin.

Come here.

To us, together at last.

Harley and Ivy take over the fucking world!

Hello? Hello?

- This is Commissioner Gordon. -Oh, he's on! He's on! You, you!

This is the IRS calling, sir,

you have a $90,000 lien on your house.

How in the he-- is this about my ex-wife?

We're gonna need to confirm your identity. What's your credit card number again?

-Oh, life saver! So, any credit card? -Gimme, gimme, gimme!

The one with the highest limit.

Okay, let's see. You ready for the number? Four-six...

-Charge it to the room. -Missus and Missus Gordon.

Ugh.

Send our regards to whatever shitty tabloid you work for!

And tell Ben Affleck I upper-decked his fancy soda stream!

Champagne, my queen?

Harls, I gotta tell ya, this trip you have planned for us--

Call her by her name.

Right, the "Eat Bang Kill Tour," is just so sweet,

it's so fun, and then raunchy...

...and then a little scary.

I know, it's going to be hard to top

punching a bunch of Buckingham guards in the dick though.

Oh, oh, tell me your favorite part.

Um, I really liked walking through the Queen's rose garden.

Each rose totally blooming to her full potential.

I'm like what is this woman's secret...

It's all about the sprinkler schedule.

Who said that?

Queen Elizabeth the second?

-How did she get in here? -She shoved me in a bag.

Happy two-week anniversary!

Oh, wow, wow, Harls.

-What you... You don't like it? -No, I do. I do.

I like it.

It's so pleasurable to meet you, your majesty.

Aren't people going to be, like, looking for her? I just took my bra off.

I gotcha, Ive. We'll wrap this thing up quick!

Let's commemorate with an emergency photo shoot.

Kiss under the missile for good luck, Ive!

Okay, okay, I think we got the shot! Time to lose our tail.

It's been real, your majesty! Later!

Watch the-- Harley, no!

Yeah, she's got an invisible parachute.

I am gonna choose not to question that.

The potholes, the sinkholes, toxic puddles, super squirrels, exploding sewers,

haunted crosswalks, we've got children driving busses,

pregnant rats on every corner,

it costs $38 to mail a letter-- Personally, I loaded up on forever stamps in high school,

but not everyone's smart like that.

So is that a question or?

If you're elected mayor, how the hell you gonna fix all this, Gordon?

Cheryl, you're my lieutenant!

I've got step-kids to feed and you're blowing our tax money

on tanks, robocops, and GCPD branded water bottles.

Eh, we paid for it with the library tax.

Most people are only in there to use the bathroom, anyway.

Why's everybody mad at me?

The biggest existential threat to Gotham is criminals like Harley Quinn

and Poison Ivy, who continue to wreak havoc.

I'll do whatever it takes to bring them to justice.

Mayor, you have 30 seconds to respond.

Your police budget is out of control.

- You're the mayor! - You approved my budget!

- Lame! - Boo yourself!

Hold on! I've dedicated my life to trying to keep this piece of shit city safe!

- You stink! - Nuh-uh!

Hashtag team Harlivy!

You suck!

I'll bring Harley and Ivy to justice, and then you'll change your tune!

Everyone's gonna be whistlin' Jimmy Gordon baby!

- Fuck you! - No, fuck you!

I think that went pretty well. What do you think?

Can you believe it's been 16 whole days since we've been together?

I'm sorry, who's flying this plane?

- It's on autopilot. - Oh, shit, wait, hold on.

Okay, now it's on autopilot.

I know I've been showering you with super thoughtful gifts to an almost exhausting degree,

but get ready 'cause this next one's gonna blow your skirt up.

But it's also very chill.

We've been doing all this intense bad guy fighting, which you do often enjoy,

but there's this whole other side to you which is like,

plants! And I love that, too.

Surprise!

Ugh! No! I thought I smelled stone-age pollen. Why did you bring me here?

Uh, what? You built this beautiful place. It's your baby.

I thought you'd get excited and maybe we'd mess around a little bit.

Come on, let's have sex in your baby!

I-- I brought you here because I thought it would inspire you.

Harley, it's not inspiring, it's-- It's a total failure.

I... I had this dumb idea to terraform Earth using prehistoric plants.

Ah!

You know and then I called it Edin with an "I" for Ivy.

That's so cute!

Okay, the name's not great. But the-- But the idea is!

I worked on it for like way too long, and then I could only grow this one shitty acre--

Of the most beautiful jungle anyone's ever seen! My girl!

No, I failed over and over again.

I designed it, like, ten years ago, the colors are so dated. Oh, my God!

I feel like I'm in, like, an Urban Outfitters sale section.

Hey. Neon is back! Some people say it never went away.

Ivy, you spent the last two years helping me with my stupid bullshit

and making chili with your ex.

Yeah. I also died and was resurrected.

Yes, exactly. You are a badass evil villain.

You should mold the world to your vision.

It's time to focus on what you want.

Since we're here, it's at least worth looking around, right?

I mean, the root system does look pretty strong.

I used to be so into that.

Okay. Fine.

- We can look around. - But let's make it quick.

-Oh, my God! Babe! -What? What?

Did the queen find us? Do we need to finish her off?

Start an international incident?

I just negotiated the correct pH in the groundwater!

Oh, cool, I'm loving how inspired you are.

Bee-tee-dubs, in case other people ask me, what's the wi-fi here?

There's no wi-fi in Edin-- That's like the whole point.

A paradise that reverses all the damage humans have done to the environment.

Where ancient plants can finally bloom to their full potential!

Totally!

Reclaiming every inch from toxic factories,

fast food chains. Bravolebrities!

But not the ones that make their own wine, right?

I cannot go back to buying based on the label. No fucking way.

Just imagine, you and me, sitting in the sun, living off the nectars.

We don't have to run from anybody or bash any heads in.

Um, yeah, yeah, that is so cool.

You know, I don't need to bash people's heads in or have wi-fi.

I can just sit here. Maybe I'll learn to talk to flowers or something.

And this mind control device? Who needs it!

Oh, look at this soil!

The Staghorn fern is self-propagating,

so if I can get the right acidity levels...

And then, who knows, Terraforming could be possible!

Ooh! An unknown number, maybe it's a telemarketer, I'd better answer it!

Hello, outside world!

Oh, hey, girl! It's King Shark.

OMG K.S. Bang Bang! What's happening in Gotham? Tell me all the hot goss!

Well, funny you should ask,

we're being tortured. So, how are things with you?

Wait-- You're being tortured? By who?

Oh, I hate to be a spoilsport but me and Clayface are incarcerated.

Gordon nabbed us at the wedding.

He's holding us in Arkham.

But if you're too busy to rescue us, we understand--

No! We'll be right there!

Ivy! I've got some terrible news!

So, let's just in and out, no extra drama.

My seedlings are just in a crucial stage and I want to get back ASAP.

Oh, yeah, me, too, can't miss the crucial seedling stage.

You know, as soon as we make Gordon pay for messing with our crew!

Let's skip Arkham and crash this jet right into Gordon's house

and slaughter his entire family!

Honey, I know you haven't punched anyone in the dick in two days,

but we have to be smart about this.

Actually, yesterday there was a fox that tried to take a shit too close to me. So...

Gordon could be using him as bait.