Mark Twain Tonight!

- I had written myself notes. I only have five minutes.

I didn't want to spend the entire time rambling.

It's okay if you ramble.

- No, it's not. - Yes, it is.

No, it's not. I don't--

It's right here, so....

Um...

I...

I was online yesterday

and, um, a bunch of people had posted links

to this infographic, and--

Sorry, does everyone know what that--

It's a--it's a cartoon that illustrates statistics.

So, um...

this infographic was about marriages,

and, um, it said that if your spouse dies,

it--it feels like losing $308,780 a year,

which sounded crazy to me at first.

Like, how do you...

how do you put a dollar amount on death?

Like, how is that even a thing with a price tag?

Um...

But then I...

I started to think

about what it would feel like to lose...

$308,780 a year.

And it would feel like--

like a problem you could never fix.

It's an impossible amount of money to lose.

Um...

I don't know if it's that exact number.

The 780 at the end feels a bit weird.

Um...

But I...

would say that my...

husband being dead...

Feels like the same kind of impossible thing.

That's what I got.

all: Thanks for sharing. - Okay, you're welcome.

You still have a few minutes.

I don't really want them.

- No. - Up. Yes, come on.

You teach at 7:00. No. No. No. No "Moms." Come on.

- Hey, stop. I'm not wearing pants.

- Your body literally came out of my vagina.

Do not talk to me about pants. Come on.

- I don't want to be awake.

- I know, sweetie, but no one wants to be awake.

That's how mornings work.

Here, there's those pants you were so worried about.

- Yeah. Get up. Get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up.

Babe. .

I'm going back to sleep. - Mm-mm.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-mm.

You need to take a shower.

You do not smell good enough to be around my family.

I smell okay.

- I promise you don't smell okay.

- I didn't know I was coming with.

Do you not want to come?

I-it's just been a long week.

I thought I'd take the morning to sleep.

- Matt, please. I need you.

You always make things better with my family.

I don't, but you do.

- You know that's not true about you.

Please, get up.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

I'll love you more after you've brushed your teeth.

- Yeah, how about we try all that again?

- I just love you and nothing else.

Yeah, there it is.

- Leigh. Leigh.

Honey.

You have the 7:00 and 8:15 classes...9:30.

I'm at noon.

Uh, Jules, you have the evening slots.

You have group at 8:30.

And I have a date with a guy who seems nice,

but, you know, kind of boring on eHarmony.

So let's hope he's nice

and kind of interesting in real life.

Hello.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Ooh. - Good morning.

- Hi. - Can't believe you're here.

Okay, you guys I got to show you something funny.

Come on. Look at what Mom made. - What? Oh.

No. - Yes.

- Wow. - What?

What? What's so funny?

Hey, that's not cool. I don't make fun of your stuff.

- Mom, if you don't want people to laugh at your vision boards,

don't put so much healing crystals.

- They are not vision boards. They are soul collages.

Oh, right. Of course.

- Well, I think this is really cool art.

What's the story? - Thank you.

You collage a card for each aspect of your soul,

and then you use the cards to answer your life questions.

So it's sort of like a personalized tarot deck.

- Oh, my God, you've got to stop

being a parody of yourself.

- You don't subscribe to my belief system.

That's just fine, but you give some respect where it's due.

Everything I have accomplished in my life

is a result of believing that I could create my own reality,

and that includes raising both of you by myself

and running my own business,

which also apparently employs you both.

So don't make fun of my magic. You should be respectful of it.

- I mean, I hear that. - Thank you. Thank you.

He is my favorite.

- Are you serious? - You're my favorite.

See? He's nice. Why are they so horrible to me?

Okay, so that's Thursday. Let's do this.

Okay?

- Wait, say that all again? - Come on.

I'm sorry.

I'm just, like, stupid excited

to get my three-month chip tonight.

Hmm.

You are a beast.

You're kicking this thing in the teeth,

and we could not be more proud of you.

Could we, Leigh?

Yeah. Everything she said.

- Just, like, these last few months,

everything has been so emotional and stressful,

and I could have fallen off the wagon so many times, but...

I didn't.

I handled it.

- Yep, it really, uh, screwed me up, too,

when my husband died.

That's not what I was saying.

- That's exactly what you were saying--

that my husband being dead is making it harder

for you to stay sober.

- I wasn't saying it like that. - You still said it.

- Hey, you. That's enough. - What?

Take a breath. - I'm breathing.

- Now do it with some intention.

Come on - Whatever.

I'm gonna go to the studio.

How do you expect anyone to be in a good mood

before the sun's up?

Just think about that.

[upbeat electronic music playing]

- Up and press. Heels up like you're wearing stilettos.

Come on, I know you girls have higher hells than that.

And up, and press.

Now you're gonna lower yourself

three inches and hold.

Three inches.

You guys have zero inches. Three inches.

Come on. Here, you got this.

Come on, match me. Match me. You got this.

Right now. One inch up. One inch down.

We're gonna pulse for ten seconds to tempo.

- Mm-mm. - Yep.

You can do anything for ten seconds. Mm-hmm.

And pulse. Two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

And release. Good job. Good job.

Now we're gonna go to butt school, ladies,

and work those seats.

- I'll see you girls later. - Bye. See you later.

Mmm.

I love you.

- Okay. -

- Oh, hey, real quick-- I have to ask you something.

- Are you saying you love me because you have

to ask me something?

- No, I love you, and I have to ask you something.

What?

- You've been wearing a lot of my workout stuff.

- Mm-hmm. - But you have your own stuff.

- Yeah, but it's at my apartment.

- When's the last time you went to your apartment?

A little before the funeral.

It's, like, three months?

All your stuff is still there,

and you're still paying rent and utilities.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

- So maybe you could go by your apartment

and get your stuff.

Sure. Yeah, sure.

Okay, great.

Thank you. - You're welcome.

I love you. - I love you, too.

Mmm.

Can you be my sounding board?

It's for my column.

A high-school girl just got her heart broken