Double Whammy

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

Aren't you going in?

I thought you were.

I went in yesterday, Jerry.

Would you mind, Ray? "Cause my knee's killing me.

Your knee? What about my back?

- Anybody care about that? - I'm sorry. I care.

I'll just take a Double Bun Burger!

Have a Burger Bun day.

- Hey, how you doin'? - Two Double Bun burgers

- and a chocolate shake, please. - Is that it?

No, I'll take an order of fried nose rings too.

- What? - I'm kidding.

It's a joke.

Knock yourself out, dude.

Knock myself out?

- What does that mean? - (WOMAN SCREAMS)

Woman: Oh my God!

Man: Born and raised in Brooklyn.

36 years.

Went to P.S. 115.

Mom and Dad wanted me to go to Catholic school.

My best friend John... man, he was cool.

Wish he could see me now.

- Do I have your attention now? - Yes, sir.

Then look at me when I talk to you!

I'm trying, but it's difficult...

- with my back... - Fuck your back!

I got the mayor, the commissioner, the C. of D. up my ass

because you were standing right there with your weapon out,

and you couldn't stop one guy from Killing six people!

I know, sir, I should have dropped the guy.

Nobody feels worse about this than I do.

Any thoughts on that comment, Dimitri?

With all due respect, Lieutenant...

I imagine the relatives of the victims

might feel worse than Detective Pluto.

Lieutenant: They just might.

- Any questions for him? - Dimitri: No, it's pretty clear.

- Questions about what? - Your cases.

- I've reassigned them to Dimitri. - Why?

Because you're a goddamn cripple!

- I'm fine. - Stand up!

You're on restricted duty until I get confirmation

from the chief surgeon that your back's 100%.

Now get out!

Dimitri, get this faggot a wheelchair.

- Hey, Ray. - Where have you been?

- I went to get the paper. - What about your knee?

I took it real slow. It was over when I got back.

- What did Spigot say? - I'm on restricted duty

- till I get this back fixed. - And me?

I told him you were getting gas.

Thanks. Oh shit! I'm sorry.

Listen, I owe you. Anything you want, just name it.

- How about a new back? - All right.

Why don't you go see a chiropractor?

I need a real doctor, not some frou-frou shit like that.

Jerry: What are you talking about?

Wait. Listen to me.

When my back went out, I couldn't get off the floor.

I had to crawl to the bathroom on my hands and knees.

My brother-in-law turned me on to this chiropractor, and...

it's incredible. It's crazy shit, but it works.

- They do this adjustment... - Pluto.

Here's your gun.

It was tough getting it back from that kid.

He was afraid you wouldn't know what to do with it.

- I could stick it up your ass. - You could...

but there's no bad guys up there.

What, no room with Spigot's dick up there?

Reporter: Detective Pluto, Channel 10 News.

Do you feel responsible for the death of those people?

Do you feel responsible for the death of your wife and daughter?

How does it feel being upstaged by an eight-year-old?

Man: Look at this shit!

- Mira, Maribel! - Maribel: What?

Don't tell me your friend didn't do this.

- He didn't do it. - Then who?!

I don't see everybody who comes in this building.

- So it was your friend! - It was not!

Would you two shut up?

I'm trying to watch the TV!

Tell him to leave me alone!

TV announcer: Here's Bill with the latest

on this afternoon's Burger blood-bath.

A brave eight-year-old boy is now a national hero

for shooting a gunman who slaughtered six people

in a crowded Brooklyn Burger Bun this afternoon.

Ricky Lapinsky...

Man: Come here!

That says "Lucy," right?

Lucy!

It does not say "Lucy"!

- You can't even read! - Ray, Ray...

got a minute? What does that say?

I don't know, Juan, it's all Chinese to me.

Ah-ha! So it's your Chink friend, then!

You're so stupid!

Do you hear what she calls me?! All right...

- forget the tattoo! - See you later, Juan.

Take care.

You said I could.

When you learn to respect your father and speak to your father,

then maybe I'll let you look like a whore!

Mommy, he said I could get a tattoo, and I'm getting it!

- Yes, I am! - No, you're not!

If you don't shut up, I'll go crazy!

I've been working all day and I want to watch TV, coño!

Earlier today, Mayor Geminelli praised Ricky

as one of New York's finest.

Geminelli: This boy is a hero.

And if I had 20 more like him, I could wipe out crime in this city.

TV announcer #1: The mayor had less flattering remarks

for New York City Detective Raymond Pluto

who was in the restaurant ordering lunch

at the time of the massacre.

Although armed and standing merely 10 feet away,

Detective Pluto apparently was unable to stop the slaughter

because of a bad back.

Ray: What if I hadn't been in the place?

Did they think about that?

Then the kid wouldn't have had the gun to shoot the guy.

Hey, everybody, welcome to Fitness Cheers!

We've got a really tough workout coming up...

- Yeah? - Man: Detective Pluto?

I'm calling from "The New York Post."

- I need to verify some facts. - What facts?

Are you Detective Pluto whose wife and daughter

were killed in a hit-and-run accident two years ago?

'I tell ya...

All right, guys, let's stretch out.

Let's go down for four. And two...

You motherfucking cocksucking fucking piece of shit!

- Fucking press cockroach! - Ray? It's me, Jerry.

Hey.

Aw, man...

- I'm sorry, Jerry. - Jerry: You all right?

- You sound really upset. - I thought you were

this scumbag reporter who's been calling.

I'm sorry. How are you doing?

Just checking up on you. What are you doing?

I was sitting around, smoking some hash.

Yeah, me too! I just did a whole bucket of crack!

You're too much, man.

I got the number for that chiropractor.

Oh great. Go ahead

You're ready? Dr. Beamer.

555-0191.

All right. Good, man.

- I appreciate it. - So...

how are you feeling mentally?

I'm doing good, man.

You know?

- Thinking about a few things. - Care to talk about it?

Sure.

Umm...

Did you ever notice...

women sometimes call each other "guys"?

They'll say, "Let's go, guys," and it's all girls there.

Yeah, I've seen them do that.

Guys don't do that.

You never hear guys go, "Let's go, girls."

What, guys calling other guys "girls"?

Ray: Yeah...

- it'd be an insult. - Like calling them a fag.

Exactly. But it's okay for women to say,

"Hey, let's go, guys."

It's fucking crazy.

Ray: You know?

- Yeah? - All right... thanks for calling.

- I'll see you tomorrow. - All right.

It's Killer.

It'll blast you like a Sandinistan guerilla.

Killer. You don't know the diller.

Everybody knows that I'm a Killer.

- Man: Who is it? - Cletis.

Man: About time.

- Maribel: I hate you! - No, you don't!

You love me! I'm your papi!

- Maribel: I hate you! - No, you don't mean that!

- What you looking at? - What the fuck you looking at?

You do that graffiti?

Cletis, come on! We got work to do.

Pendejo, coño.

Al right.

We got the guy already tied up in the chair.

We got the Chinese food already delivered.

Then you signal me, just with your eye.

Yeah.

Then I take out a chopstick...

like this.

Put it in the guy's ear.

Then I take off my shoe.

- What do you think? - It's too quick.

We want to inflict pain, right?

Long, slow...

painful pain.

He's sitting in the chair...