Bill Burr: Drop Dead Years

It's kind of a weird thing to be over 50,

really starting to realize, like, how fucked up you are.

Like, I thought I did standup 'cause I loved comedy.

And then, what I really figured out was, like,

no, that's not why I did it.

I did standup because that was the easiest way

to walk into a room full of a bunch of people

that I didn't know

and make everybody like me.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr!

All of the way I've-I've moved through the world

has-has always been like,

where's the place I have the least chance of being hurt?

Alright, thank you! Thank you very much!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Alright.

How are ya? How's it going? Nice to be here.

Nice to be here in Seattle, man.

Alright?

This is where all the progressive stuff happens.

Jesus Christ.

I went up to that Capitol Hill, the hipster area.

I think I was the only guy not transitioning.

Fucking unbelievable.

Um, there's a whole new race of people out there. Who knew?

Who knew? It used to be, "You're either gay or you're straight!

There's, there's no fucking in-between!" Oh yes, there is.

Oh yes, there is.

I don't pretend to pay attention.

I am an old man at this point. I don't watch the news.

You know, people who watch the news fascinate me.

They're always eyebrows up and ,

and, like, freaking out. You're like, "Oh, yeah, alright.

"You just wanna walk around in fight-or-flight mode

your whole fucking life?"

"This is what's happening! And there's plastic!

"There's plastic in the cereal! And then it's going into your children,

and then, they're gonna be little plastic people!"

Is there any sort of solution?

"No, no, no! Just this information!

Walk around with this! Enjoy your workday!"

Yeah, I don't pay attention to shit.

I don't know what's going on, right?

That's... I feel like that--

I mean, I, I, I kinda know what's going on.

Like, I know Gaza Strip, that's still going, right?

Yeah! Alright. Okay, that's going on.

Well, did you pick a side?

Well, who deserves to live more, right?

I hate that shit.

Well, these kids, they're-- they more line up

with our foreign policy than these kids over here.

And it's just, I don't... It just-- I don't know. I don't know.

How the fuck is war still legal in 2024?

Can you explain that to me? Like--

I don't want these Oprah Winfrey applause breaks.

Stop doing that. I'm just asking the question, alright?

I mean, as a comedian,

I can't call a fat fuck a fat fuck anymore, alright?

Even if he took my last slice of pizza

and is denying it with pepperoni on his breath,

I can't be like, "You fat, man-titted cunt.

I know what you did. Own up to it." Everybody's like,

"Alright, well, he took your pizza,

"but that's, like, no reason to body shame.

I mean, huh?"

It's like, yeah, it is! I can't get the fucking pizza back.

At least I can make him feel bad about himself, right?

Yeah, I'm not allowed to do that, but it's still socially acceptable

to shoot a missile in the general direction of somebody you're upset with.

You're like, "Dude, there was, like, kids over there!"

This is my favorite response,

"Well, you know, they're using kids as human shields."

It's like, "Well, you gotta work around that!"

Jesus Christ, if I'm mad at my neighbor,

and I wanna beat shit the out of him,

but he's holding a baby, right?

I wouldn't come in and try to punch him through the baby.

Eh, you go in, you know, you-you-you throw a hook.

You-You sweep the legs.

You do it on the lawn,

so the baby bounces off the grass, alright?

There's fucking rules to this shit!

I do think it's hilarious that college kids are all freaking out,

you know, fucking supporting the Palestinians.

"How dare the Israelis

"do what our country has been doing for 20 years?

"What the fuck? You don't do that shit.

We do."

Oh, you didn't like that one, did you?

That was, that was a little too close to home? Alright.

No, I know.

We're liberating people.

Whatever, like I said, you don't listen to me.

Don't listen to me. I don't know what's going on.

I'm just living my life, man, you know?

Keeping my life small. I'm just working on my home life,

and, uh, it's been working out good for me,

like, right now, currently, you know?

'Cause the relationship is alive, man, right?

Currently, I am getting along with my wife better

than I ever have in the 20 years that I've known her.

Yeah.

Yeah, I figured something out. I figured something out.

Basically, what happened was a friend of mine died, right?

I'm of that age, you know?

It's starting to happen. I'm 56, right?

Which, granted, this is too young to die of natural causes,

but it's not too young to drop dead, right?

Like, as a man, I am in my drop-dead years,

which are, basically, ages 49 to about 61.

You know, anything past that,

you're just looking at, like, a prolonged illness, you know?

But these are the years

that men drop dead.

And dropping dead is, is a uniquely male experience, right?

Women don't drop dead!

When's the last time you were out to brunch

and there was some woman, "Hey, let's get a mimosa!"

Just grabs her chest, face down into some tapas.

"Oh, my God! Kathy!" Right?

They don't! Men drop dead all the fucking time.

You're out there on the golf course, some guy fucking...

all of a sudden,

just fucking into the shrubs.

Another guy driving at you in a cart, his body just falls out the side.

"What happened?" "You know what happened!"

He never cried! That's what happened.

And he held onto it.

You know,

he was fucking putting his pants on, and he just rolled back on the bed.

He never got back up again. It can happen!

Like, I'll give you a scenario.

Let's say, you know, I'm upstairs in the bathroom,

my wife's downstairs making me breakfast, right?

It's a fantasy, you know?

Let's pretend women still cook for their men.

She's Postmating something,

and she's heating it up in the microwave.

"That's my love language, right?"

And I'm upstairs in the bathroom, and, all of a sudden,

she just hears a big thud on the floor.

And it's just like, "Honey? Honey, was that you?

This isn't funny! Honey?"

Right? And next thing you know, you're at my funeral.

It happens just like that,

and somebody's trying to put a positive spin on it.

"You know, he died doing what he loved...

"...trimming his pubes in the upstairs bathroom

while listening to AC/DC."

You know, my favorite guy at the funeral

is the guy who tries to figure out exactly what happened

like it's a Law & Order episode.

"You know, I think what happened was he was looking down

"at what he was doing, and his-his head's heavy, you know?

"And he got on his toes, he lost his balance,

"and whacked his head on the sink, and it came flying back,

and there was no bathmat. You know, that-that-that's kind of what happened."

So, anyway, I lose another friend.

My buddy dies. I show up to the funeral,

open casket.

It's last year. 2023, open casket.

We're still doing that?

Huh? I've never understood open casket.

I don't get it. It's like, "You told me he was dead.

I believed you!"

What, is there some asshole coming in,

"I'm calling bullshit, alright?

"No, no. He had a lot of credit card debt.

"He wasn't getting along with his wife.

"Perfect candidate to fake his own death.

"Alright, let's go. Open it up, open it up.

"Let's see what you got. Let's see what you got.

"Alright, that's pretty good. It's pretty good.

"He looks pretty dead, man. You know, Frank likes to fuck around,

so leave it open! Let's see what we got!"

Dude, they left it open. They had my buddy propped up

like he was watching SportsCenter for, like, 90 minutes.

Fucking sitting there looking at the side of my friend's dead head.

Like, why do I need that on the memory bank, you know?

So, anyway, it's a funeral. So, what happens?

You-You start, you start thinking about your life, you know?

You take stock in it.

I start thinking about how fast my life's going by,

how quick my kids are growing up.

And then, I had this thought I've never had before.

I started thinking about how fast my marriage was going by.

Right? I was like, "Goddamn, you know,

I've been married almost frickin' 11 years at this point."

And I started thinking, like, you know--

You're not in it.

I love when people do that. "I've been married for 45 years."

Be like, "Woo!"

It's like, he could have her chained to a radiator, alright?

You have no idea what is going on!

Jesus Christ, you can't always be thinking positive, people!

Come on, you gotta fucking keep your head on a swivel!

Maybe she wanted to leave, and I won't let her.

No, no. I like to think we're happily married.

So, I just started thinking, "Now, we've been together

for, like, 11 years, you know?" And then, I just started thinking,