Peep Show

I'm not sick but I'm not well

...And I'm so hot

Cos I'm in he-ell...

Big Suze.

Jeremy.

Hi, I thought you might like these. They're flowers, obviously.

They'll die eventually, but everything does, doesn't it?

Apart from love, a true love...

A good love can sustain you all the way through.

It's nice to see you, but I'm working.

Oh yeah, of course, sure, sure. Of course.

Well, how about tonight. I mean, are you free?

I don't know, what are you doing?

Just, Mark's going to Frankfurt,

and I thought, if you fancied, a magic mushroom party at my place.

Oh, I don't know. Magic mushrooms?

Sounds a bit scary.

Oh, Suze, it's not scary.

You just lose your sense of who you are, and all that shit.

Will I still be able to play the piano?

Of course. Suze, they're mushrooms, they're completely natural.

Nothing natural ever hurt anybody, that's a scientific fact.

I suppose in a way, it's the sort of thing I should do.

If it's something I don't want to do, it's something I should try.

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, if people only did everything they wanted,

everyone would spend all day sitting on the carpet

watching the Poker Channel,

wanking and eating those expensive German biscuits.

Probably.

'Oh, I feel awful.

'Still, made excellent time.

'Great bus driver. Same old route though.

'I should probably alter it occasionally, evade kidnappers.

'Not much of a risk, but I'd feel such an ass if it did happen.'

Mark! You're home.

'Why is he so happy? I suppose I'd be happy if I'd spent

'the day practising my signature and measuring my knob with dental floss.'

You've only been gone an hour. What happened? Forget your passport?

I'm ill. Gastric flu.

It's been going round the office, funny tummy, weird ears.

You're never ill. Even when you are, you stay at work,

because you believe those adverts about the man in marketing

stealing your job if you take the day off rather than buying their horrible products.

I'm not going all the way to Frankfurt puking and shitting

just to be Tom Finnemore's bitch. Found out when I got in this morning,

I'm just going to be cueing up his laptop.

Went out to get some remedies, and I thought, "Bollocks to this."

Just got to let Johnson know. How ill do you think I sound?

Well, you look like shit. But you sound surprisingly chirpy.

What about now?

Yeah, bit hammy. But then, I'm a stern critic.

This is my whole area.

Bollocks,

he's been on voicemail all morning. Shall I just leave a message?

No! If you want to convince you're ill, you have to go mano a mano.

Answerphone is the waster's dream ticket.

'This is a fucking disaster.

'The sick man of Europe all over my mushroom party?

'I can't have him coughing mucus over Suze's lovely face.'

God, I tell you what though, mate, I think you look OK.

Are you feeling better?

No.

Well, you look a lot better. I tell you what else.

Today, I'm going to dedicate myself to you.

I'm going to tend you and tend you and tend you.

You will go to the ball!

I don't want to go to the ball. I just want to sit around in my pants.

Hello?

What the...

All right, Mark. Give us 10, would you?

No! No, I bloody won't! What...

Jeremy! How did you allow this?

- What? I didn't know. - Didn't know what?

Nothing. What? I don't know, is there a problem?

You let Super Hans use my bed for filth.

Oh, no. They didn't go in there, did they?

Oh, that really is too much.

I'm annoyed now.

I'm so annoyed with them. That is too much.

Well, where in our massive duplex did you think they'd be?

In one of the guest suites, or the billiard room?

I can't get out. Let me out!

It's all right, Hans, it's just the handle.

It's funny, you need to lift it.

This is bullshit!

Sorry, lads.

Locked doors.

Little switch just flicks, you know.

Since Dad locked me in the airing cupboard to monitor the home-brew.

'Nice big lock. Maybe locks and walls aren't cool,

'but they work for Hadrian and Ariel Sharon.'

What the hell do you call that?

It's a short-term solution.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

It can't be a short-term solution, it doesn't even reach the floor.

Look, Jeremy, I know for you doing your business in public

is probably some sort of dream come true, but I can't live like that.

You need to sort this out.

But Mark, I'll never get round to it. It's Yellow Pages,

I won't use the right words, they'll realise I'm not proper.

I'll get some cowboy, and end up on ITV2.

Please, before you go to Frankfurt...

I'm not going to Frankfurt.

'He's never going to do it. Where am I going to poo?

'Can't go to Sophie, she's in Bristol.

'I'll have to go to the pub. They'll think I'm a junkie.

'I could offer them 50p a poo.

'Too weird.

'No, buy a pint each time, just become an alcoholic.'

Mark, I'll give you anything if you'll do it.

All right, I'll bloody do it.

Great.

'What the hell is he laughing with the carpenter about?

'You have to maintain the barrier, or they'll retune your radio

'to a commercial station, and force you to borrow their pornography.'

Brilliant, are you feeling a lot better?

No.

What were you laughing about?

What's he doing, how much is it going to cost?

It's sorted, Mark. A fair day's work for a fair day's pay.

Don't give me mottoes, Jeremy, I want figures, data.

All right, mate?

I've just had a call from my therapist.

Need to go and have a bit of a chat.

I shouldn't be more than a couple of hours. Is that all right?

Is that included within the rate as agreed?

No problem, mate, I'll have the kettle on.

Sweet as.

How did we get the one carpenter in Britain with a therapist?

Oh, sure. Therapy's only for you and Tony Soprano and Jamie Theakston.

The common man needs therapy too.

Yeah, but on my time? Jeremy, shouldn't you...

Mark, stop, relax, it's OK.

It's fine. You're recuperating.

Have some lunch. Three different flavours, all mixed up. Exciting!

And then after that, beans.

Until you're better, I'm going to cook all your meals.

Right. Thanks. Crisps and beans.

'What will come first, scurvy or rickets? '

It's Johnson. I don't sound ill enough. Will you take it?

All right. Hi, Alan. No, it's Jeremy. Look...

Oh, really?

Oh, really?

That is fascinating.

Tom Finnemore's got the lurgy that's going round.

He's not going to Frankfurt.

Finnemore's got gastric flu?

Johnson wants you to make the presentation instead.

Oh my God. Me? What shall I say?

Say yes, you big idiot.

But I'm ill, I'm really ill.

You're only as ill as you think you are!

OK. OK, Tell him I'm up for it.

Don't tell him I'm ill. Say I've been working from home.

Just tell him I'm coming in.

Alan, he's coming in.

- You da man! - I'm a man!

It's, "You da man."

Whatever, Jeremy, let's not quibble. I'm a man!

'Jez comes good sometimes.

'He's not a total arsehole.'

'Mushroom sex party all over your flat, while you're chomping

'on a bratwurst and dancing to the oompah band like a total dick.'

'A smiley face from Sophie. That's all I get?

'A template for a three-screen text about team leading in Frankfurt,

'my best news of the decade?

'I sent her flowers when she got a new fridge.'

Mark, you really have to make sure that they...

'Oh God, I feel terrible. Glands in my neck like a couple of golf balls.

'I've got to look interested, keep nodding,

'nodding, and a bit of eyebrows.'

Make sure they know we're playing the game,

but we don't need to play the game,

because we've already won the game. Yeah?

Oh, yeah, great. Absolutely.

Now, they've got a plasma screen in their meeting room, so...

'Maybe I can just get some rest if I get my hand

'so it looks like I'm concentrating, but actually, grab some micro sleep.'

Mark?

Uh-huh?

Has Sophie been keeping you up?

Oh, sorry. She's in Bristol, now isn't she?

Probably keeping some other guy up now.

Yes, no, no, she isn't.

But good joke there, mate.

'When was the last time Sophie texted you a template, fuckface? '

'He probably thinks I'm a slacker.

'To him, it probably looks like I've done nothing since lunch.

'The washing-up isn't nothing, mate,

'and I'm going to be doing that any bloody minute.'

So, er, do you reckon you'll get it done soon, like by tonight?

Oh, yeah, piece of piss.

Wicked.

I'm just working. I'm a musician, this is work.

I can do you a theme while you're carpenting. Andy's Theme.

My therapist reckons I should get back into the music.

I used to play drums. He reckons it'd be a good outlet.

It's cool you've got a therapist. I mean, what's the big taboo?