Much Ado About Nothing

"Sing no more ditties... "

More, more, more!

"Sing no more

"of dumps so dull and heavy.

"The fraud of men

"was ever so...

"... since summer

"first was leafy.

"Then sigh not so,

"but let them go,

"and be you blithe and bonny,

"converting all your sounds of woe... "

"... into hey, nonny, nonny!"

My lord.

I learn in this letter

that Don Pedro of Aragon

comes this night to Messina!

He was not three leagues off when I left him.

- How many were lost in this action? - But few of any sort and none of name.

I find here that Don Pedro hath bestowed much honor

on a young Florentine called Claudio!

He hath borne himself beyond the promise of his age,

doing in the figure of a lamb the feats of a lion!

Is Signior Mountanto returned from the wars or no?

- I know none of that name, lady. - My cousin means Signior Benedick.

He's returned, and as pleasant as ever.

I pray you, how many hath he killed and eaten in these wars?

But how many hath he killed?

For I promised to eat all of his killing.

He hath done good service. And a good soldier, too, lady.

And a good soldier to a lady.

- But what is he to a lord? - A lord to a lord. A man to a man.

- Stuffed with all honorable virtues. - It is so indeed.

He is no less than a stuffed man.

You must not, sir, mistake my niece.

There is a kind of merry war betwixt Signior Benedick and her.

They never meet, but there's a skirmish of wit between them.

Who is his companion now?

He hath every month a new sworn brother.

He is most in the company of the noble Claudio.

Oh, Lord!

He will hang upon him like a disease!

He is sooner caught than the pestilence, and the taker runs presently mad.

God help the noble Claudio.

If he have caught the Benedick, it will cost him 1,000 pounds ere he be cured.

I will keep friends with you, lady!

Do, good friend.

You will never run mad, niece.

No, not till a hot January.

Don Pedro is approaching!

Good Signior Leonato, are you come to meet your trouble?

The fashion of the world is to avoid cost, and you encounter it.

Never came trouble to my house in the likeness of your grace.

- My lord... - I think this is your daughter.

Her mother hath many times told me so.

- Were you in doubt, that you asked her? - Signior Benedick, no!

She would not have her father's head on her shoulders, as like him as she is.

I wonder that you will still be talking. Nobody marks you.

What, my dear Lady Disdain!

Are you yet living?

Is it possible disdain should die,

while she hath such meet food as Signior Benedick?

Courtesy must convert to disdain if you come in her presence.

Then is courtesy a turncoat.

But it is certain I am loved of all ladies, only you excepted.

I would that I had not a hard heart, for I love none.

A dear happiness to women. They would acquire a pernicious suitor.

I thank God and my cold blood, I am of your humor for that.

I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.

God keep you still in that mind,

so some gentleman or other shall 'scape a predestinate scratched face.

Scratching could not make it worse, an 'twere such a face as yours were.

You are a rare parrot teacher.

A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours.

I would my horse had the speed of your tongue.

Keep your way, in God's name. I have done.

You always end with a jade's trick.

I know you of old.

Signior Claudio, Signior Benedick,

my dear friend Leonato hath invited you all.

I tell him we shall stay here at the least a month.

Let me bid you welcome, my lord.

Being reconciled to the prince, your brother,

I owe you all duty.

I thank you.

I am not of many words, but I thank you.

- Please it your grace lead on? - Your hand, Leonato.

We will go together.

Benedick...

Didst thou note the daughter of Signior Leonato?

- I noted her not, but I looked on her. - Is she not a modest young lady?

Do you question me for my simple true judgment,

or would you have me speak as a professed tyrant to their sex?

No. Speak in soberjudgment.

Methinks she's too low for a high praise,

too brown for a fair praise, and too little for a great praise.

Were she other than she is, she were unhandsome,

being no other but as she is, I do not like her.

Thou thinkest I am in sport. Tell me truly how thou likest her.

Would you buy her that you inquire after her?

- Can the world buy such a jewel? - Yea, and a case to put it into.

But speak you this with a sad brow?

In mine eyes she is the sweetest lady that ever I looked on.

I can see yet without spectacles and I see no such matter.

There's her cousin, an' she were not possessed with a fury,

exceeds her as much in beauty as the first of May doth the last of December.

I hope you have no intent to turn husband. Have you?

I would scarce trust myself,

though I had sworn the contrary,

if Hero would be my wife.

Is't come to this?

Shall I never see a bachelor of three-score again?

Gentlemen... What secret hath held you here that you followed not to Leonato's?

He is in love!

With who? That is your grace's part.

- With Hero, Leonato's short daughter! - Amen if you love her.

- She is well worthy. - You speak this to fetch me in.

- By my troth, I speak my thought. - In faith I spoke mine.

By my two faiths and troths, I spoke mine.

- That I love her, I feel. - That she is worthy, I know.

That I neither feel how she should be loved

nor know how she should be worthy

is the opinion I will die in at the stake.

Thou wast ever an obstinate heretic in the despite of beauty.

That a woman conceived me, I thank her.

That she brought me up, I likewise give her most humble thanks.

But that I will hang my bugle in an invisible baldric,

all women shall pardon me.

I will live a bachelor.

I shall see thee, ere I die, look pale with love.

With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my lord, not with love.

Well, as time shall try -

"In time, the savage bull doth bear the yoke. "

If ever the sensible Benedick bear it,

pluck off the bull's horns and set them in my forehead,

and let me be vilely painted, "Here is good horse to hire. "

Let them signify under my sign, "Here you may see Benedick the married man. "

Benedick, repair to Leonato's.

Tell him I will not fail him at supper, for he hath made great preparation.

Examine your conscience.

And so I leave you.

Hath Leonato any son, my lord?

No child but Hero. She's his only heir.

Dost thou affect her, Claudio?

My lord, when you went onward on this ended action,

I looked upon her with a soldier's eye that liked,

but had a rougher task in hand than to drive liking to the name of love.

But now...

I am returned and that war thoughts have left their places vacant,

in their rooms come thronging soft and delicate desires,

all prompting me how fair young Hero is.

Saying...

I liked her ere I went to wars.

Thou wilt be like a lover presently, and tire the hearer with a book of words.

If thou dost love fair Hero, cherish it.

I will break with her and her father, and thou shalt have her.

I know we shall have reveling tonight.

I will assume thy part in some disguise,

and tell fair Hero I am Claudio.

And in her bosom I'll unclasp my heart, and take her hearing prisoner

with the force and strong encounter of my amorous tale.

Then after to her father will I break, and the conclusion is

she shall be thine.

In practice let us put it presently.

What the good-year, my lord.

Why are you thus out of measure sad?

There is no measure in the occasion that breeds,

therefore the sadness is without limit.

You should hear reason.

If when I have heard it,

what blessing brings it?

I cannot hide what I am.

I must be sad when I have cause, and smile at no man's jests,

eat when I have stomach, and wait for no man's leisure.

Sleep when I am drowsy, and tend on no man's business.

Laugh when I am merry,

and claw no man in his humor.

Yea... but you must not make full show of this

till you may do so without controlment.

You have of late stood out against your brother,

and he hath ta'en you newly into his grace,

but you should take true root by the fair weather that you make yourself.

I had rather be a canker in a hedge than a rose in his grace!

In this, though I cannot be said to be a flattering, honest man,

I am a plain-dealing villain.

If I had my mouth, I would bite.

If I had my liberty, I would do my liking.

In the meantime, let me be that I am,

and seek not to alter me.

Borachio! What news?

I can give you intelligence of an intended marriage.

Will it serve for any model to build mischief on?

Marry, it is your brother's right hand.

- Who? The most exquisite Claudio. - Even he.

- How came you to this? - I heard it agreed upon

that the prince should woo Hero for himself, and having obtained her,

give her to Count Claudio.

Come! Come, let us thither.

This may prove food to my displeasure.

That young start-up hath all the glory of my overthrow.