Fresh Meat

This programme contains strong language.

Right. It's been 15 minutes.

I've got a dental routine to hit.

What! What the fuck?

I'm having a shower here. A naked shower.

OK, seriously, I am not comfortable with this at all.

Women joining me in the shower - tick.

Angry brushing occurring whilst I'm trying to give

the J-penis his morning beauty routine - a big fat fucking cross.

All right, JP. Honestly, chill out. It's no biggie.

Ooh! Or is it?

And kiddies, if you ever need to go back to geo' kindergarten,

don't forget that one little phrase

that helps you remember all of geological time...

Camels Often Sit Down Carefully

Pe... Pecause Trying Jumps, er, Creatures.

It's not... I mean, it's not that. It's, er... Now then, Camels...

This is ridiculous. Dan's lectures are littered with errors.

Agreed. He is both shoddy and unreliable.

He's a fucking disgrace. And he's a dick.

Or whatever the rest of it is.

Oh, God, I'm horny!

Oh! And, um, if you're in B Group and coming on the field trip tomorrow,

don't forget it is tomorrow.

I've just remembered that it's tomorrow, so I'll see you then,

ie, tomorrow.

I won't forget to turn up, like I did with A Group.

That won't happen again. I'll tell you why -

because I'm writing the details...on my hand.

Howard, JP, shall we all make a complaint?

Yeah.

Great lecture, Dan. Thanks, Dan.

Hey, H-bomb, erm, you know that summer placement at Shell

that you asked me to look into?

Yeah.

Tough one.

Erm, big application pack,

plus the downfall of many a promising geological career - personality test.

It's just one trick question after another.

Exactly. But, between us, I've managed to fast-track your ass,

by claiming that you are highly socially able.

Oh, wow! Shit!

If I was more socially able, I would say... You know, but...

Cup of tea, JP?

Um, n-no, thank you.

So, what were you saying about Dan?

Er, just that his lecture was full of errors again.

You should complain.

Yeah, I thought that but then I thought no.

Thanks, Kings.

But you think yeah? You're right. We should complain. Right, guys?

Yeah.

My next lot of RAF money's here.

Finally, I can bin the fucking cleaning.

Just going to give my uniform a final wash before I send it back.

"Dear Violet, we are pleased to inform you

"that your next bursary payment is now available."

It's easier to remove stubborn stains at high temperatures.

"Due to new regulations, however,

"we now require you to take a routine drug test

"before the money is released."

I...will see you later, Melissa.

DOOR CREAKS

Knock, knock.

Sorry to interrupt.

Can I have some of your piss, Oregon?

Er, hello to you, too, Vod. Come in.

Oregon?

Yeah, it's just a, just a nickname they gave me.

Well, nickname you gave yourself.

Bye.

So?

Second date went as well as the first, then?

Yeah, I think so. I-I don't really know what's going on.

He just got a text and left.

Hmm. Player.

But he asked me to go for a drink tonight.

What do you think that means?

Does he want to talk? What does he want to talk about?

Is he going to dump me? Is he going to tell me he's seeing someone else?

Is he going to invite me into a threesome?

Or is it just, "Let's go for a drink because I need a drink,

"because I have a problem with drink?"

Hmm.

Yeah, it could be any one of those.

Anyway, spare some piss for the piss beggar? Got a drug test.

Are you sure you won't pass?

Spliff stays in your system for eight weeks, so...

When was the last time you had a spliff?

Dunno. Last night?

Some time this morning?

Do you want a gulp to get you going?

Hang on. We had those hash cakes last week, remember?

Oh, shit, yeah.

God, what is wrong with my memory?

..begin to have more obvious signs of gum disease.

Untreated plaque build-up will lead to chronic inflammation.

This in turn can lead to a susceptibility

to low-grade infection,

the breakdown of the tooth enamel,

which is something you are always looking for in an examination.

Why are you still attending classes, Josie?

Well, as a diligent student...

You're not a student.

I think it's very important to stay on top of your coursework.

There is no coursework.

You are off the course.

Well, technically, I'm appealing, so, I'm still on the course.

There is no appeal process.

I'm appealing to you now. That's an appeal.

I reject your appeal. You're off the course.

Do you understand?

Dr Minaj, at the end of the day, I'm a dentist.

That's just who I am.

Josie, you are not a dentist.

That is exactly what you are not.

You will never be a dentist.

You used a tungsten drill while drunk

and mutilated a woman's buccal cavity!

Well, don't say it like that!

I mean, it sounds worse if you say it like that.

Look.

It was a very stressful time.

I was going through some very emotional...

..emotions.

Josie, I'm worried that, er, unlike your tungsten drill,

what I'm saying is not getting through.

What you did was utterly irresponsible

and incredibly dangerous.

This woman has a hole in her head.

Yeah, I know! But it's only a tiny one.

Josie, you have been officially removed from the course.

Come back and I will call security.

Howard, can I get a portion of your seeds?

They are your seeds, no? I love your seeds.

By all means, Sabine. Erm, have some of my seeds.

And if you like my seeds, there's plenty more where they came from.

Mmm.

Good.

I just don't know what Dylan's thinking.

God, I wish men would just make it clear what they want.

That's it.

Level complete.

This is him. "Can't meet early evening. Can we do later on?"

Oh, definitely a player.

He could be genuine.

No, this is a move. Yeah, that sounds like a standard template he uses.

Probably a group text.

You probably come up on his mobile as Bitch Three.

How many kisses did he sign it with?

Two.

That's classic player.

One looks like not making an effort.

Three - looks like actual affection.

Two's a default setting. Two's basically "fuck you".

Yeah, I knew that.

What a bastard.

God, I'm so frigging horny.

Why don't you just take a cold shower?

Don't say shower.

Why can I not say shower?

Has...Heather said something?

Why?

Did something happen in the shower?

Did you walk in on Heather in the shower?

No!

That definitely did not happen.

Why are you saying it like that? What did happen?

Nothing.

Right.

I...am...going to go

for a walk.

JP, what's going on?

Why are you going for a walk? Students don't go for walks.

You're changing the subject. Why are you changing the subject?

Howard, open up.

You cannot come in!

Oh! It's nothing I ain't seen before.

All right. What's going on?

You about to have the wank of the century?

What do you want?

Can I borrow your piss?

I cannot let that happen.

I'd give you my piss.

I'd give you unlimited piss, if you needed it!

What if the lab suspected it wasn't a genuine sample

and they traced it back to me?

My genetic profile would be on their database indefinitely.

If they want to frame me for murder - no problem.

They want to clone me and harvest my organs -

a piece of piss. Literally.

I cannot let that happen. I need to stay off-grid.

I'm disappointed.

I thought we had something, Howard.

I thought we were mates.

I thought we could piss-share.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

OK.

Thank you very much for the offer of your stick.

Come in.