Subferatu

Commander, do you still see it?

Yes, I see it.

It appears to be going down

and it looks like there are survivors.

But there was nothing a moment before.

I can't understand it.

The poor sailors.

Maybe we should fire a torpedo at them!

What, why?

I don't know.

Might be fun.

It would be idiotic.

They are in God's hands now.

Commander, set a course for the sinking craft.

In this weather?

But we risk going down ourselves.

Let's shoot a torpedo at them.

You will do as you're ordered, Commander,

if you want to stay on the Fuhrer's good side.

This is my ship.

I am the commander, not you.

We will rescue the survivors, Commander, at any cost.

But are we taking them prisoner?

Just pull them aboard.

They'll be so happy to be rescued,

they won't ask any questions.

Bierficker, three degrees starboard.

Meine?

Meine, pull the clamp.

Yes, Commander?

Full power to the diesel engines, immediately.

Right away, Commander.

We do not know who they are.

They could be dangerous.

We should be armed.

On the contrary, Lieutenant.

Please set out the fine china

and prepare a tea service for them.

Maybe some of those lemon cookies from Berlin.

This is obvious sarcasm, Lieutenant.

Disregard those orders.

Valentiner, get the life vests and prepare the hatch.

Be alert for any sign of danger.

I want them alive, Commander.

Do you understand me?

Alive.

Yes.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Donitz.

It doesn't have the same ring does it?

You are right, heil Hitler was perfect.

So perfect.

But there's no going back in time, Commander.

No, I suppose we will get used to it.

Heil Donitz.

Time.

What is it exactly?

What did they always say?

"Half past a monkey's ass, a quarter 'til his balls?"

But what does it mean?

Good afternoon, Sir.

Is it though, Grady?

Sir?

I had a headache last night before bed

and took four Ambien instead of four aspirin my mistake.

Oh no.

Woke up between the bed

and the nightstand wearing Day Glow Lipstick.

Well, today's an entirely new day, Sir.

Hearing you might be running low,

I took the liberty of refilling

a little of your special blend.

I gotta quit this stuff someday.

Don't be silly, Sir.

Don't all doctors now agree that smoking is good for you?

Bloodsuckers.

Sir?

I've seen 'em, Grady.

Oh, that reminds me, Sir.

Your ex wife's attorney called again.

They only come out at night.

Scarlet lips and long white teeth glistening

in the moonlight.

Shall I have them speak with your attorney directly then?

They'll come for me eventually, Grady.

And when they do, I'm done for.

Maybe we should get you out of this sunlight, Sir.

What?

Oh.

Don't listen to me, Grady.

I'm just an old sailor thinking back on the good ol' days.

Life at sea is it, Sir?

Out there away from all this.

War is a terrific enterprise isn't it, Sir?

That it is.

I remember back at school we used to thrill

to the tales of the great warrior heroes.

Ulysses, Julius Caesar, King--

-You can go now, Grady. -Very good, Sir.

We were talking about time.

Time enough for the beach, pineapple drinks,

butlers and apparently an army of lawyers led

by my ex-wife threatening to juice me like a Florida orange.

But in my book, if you haven't been cleaned out

by at least two ex-wives, you haven't made it yet.

And for all you doubting Thomas's out there wondering

how in the hell an ex-sailor can afford his own butler,

relax and just fucking enjoy the story.

They tell me it would make a hell of a movie someday,

but I'm not the Hollywood type.

I'm just a sailor.

So my literary agent will probably handle the film rights.

Anyway, this is my story.

We were pulled out of the water

and into a strange vessel.

Our own ship was swallowed up in a midnight squall

off the coast of Puerto Rico on what

was supposed to be a three hour tour.

That storm came outta nowhere, not forecast at all,

like some sort of cruel joke

the old man in the sky would make to pass the time.

But then again cruel joke is my middle name.

Actually, my middle is Stewart but I'm not

here to measure dicks about who's

been in more fucked up situations.

Point is, if you haven't been dumped into

the ocean in a storm at midnight,

you're not missing anything, believe me.

It sucks the big one.

Where are we?

Well, how the fuck should I know?

Looks like an old ship.

Yeah, well, what else ya got?

An old German ship?

Yeah, you on a roll.

Hands off.

Oh, good.

For a minute there I was worried

we were rescued by the wrong sort of people.

This belong to you?

Thanks, Ribbonclerk.

I was aiming for that German kid.

That's why they don't let women play baseball.

Is that your shitty Irish half

or your shitty Japanese half saying that?

I don't know, what side do you think it is?

It's obvious, believe me.

What's the supposed to mean?

-Figure it out, genius. -Racist.

-Shit for brains. -Hey, hey, hey!

I hate to break up what y'all

got goin' on right now but does anybody know

where the hell we are?

What is all this stuff?

There must be at least a dozen passports.

They're all from the 30s and 40s.

Everything is totally vintage.

Strange haul for a pirate ship.

Man, has anybody seen Captain McCloud?

Maybe he was shot trying to stage a mutiny.

I wouldn't put it past him.

It's just the type of man he was.

He gave knew meaning to the word courage.

He gave new meaning to a lot of words

like captain and pleasure cruise.

And that makes me his first mate in charge.

Say what?

You're not a first mate, Ribbonclerk,

despite what your snazzy outfit is telling you

anymore than Roosevelt here is an entertainment director

and I'm a cruise ship hostess

and whatever Atticus was.

You was in charge of snacks.

There was a little more to it then that.

No, snacks.

That's all you did.

Captain, you're alive!

For a terrifying moment

we thought Ribbonclerk was in charge.

We thought maybe you got killed trying to save us.

Killed trying to save you?

Yeah, like some ex Marine shit or something.

Ex Marine?

I thought about whacking a few

of 'em when I was out there.

Sure, woulda been a cinch.

I know they wanted me to, hoping I'd slip up

and they'd get the jump on me and dip me back in the drink.

But I fooled 'em all right.

Yes, Siree.

I played it nice and safe.

Did everything they said to the letter

so I could make it back here knowing

how worried you all must be.

Captain, you're totally dry.

Huh, how 'bout that?

Just one of those things I guess.

Good old Captain McCloud.