Seinfeld

Most men like working on things.

Tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing.

Ever noticed if a guy's in his driveway working on something with tools...

...how all the other men in the neighbourhood...

...are magnetically drawn to this activity?

They just come wandering out of the house like zombies.

Men... It's true. Men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just:

They go running up to the living-room curtain.

" Honey, I think Jim's working on something over there."

So they run over to the guy.

They don't actually help the guy.

No. They just want to hang around the area...

...where work is being done.

That's what men want to do.

We want to watch the guy. We want to talk to him.

We want to ask him dumb questions. You know....

"What are you using, a Phillips head?"

You know, we feel involved.

That's why when they have construction sites...

...they have to have those wood panel fences around it.

That's just to keep the men out.

They cut those little holes for us...

...so we can see what the hell is going on.

But if they don't cut those holes, we are climbing those fences.

Right over there. "What are you using, the steel girders down here?"

Yeah, that'll hold.

I had to say something.

Had to say something.

Everything was going so well. I had to say something.

I don't think you did anything wrong.

I told her I liked her. Why?

Why did I tell her I like her?

I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel.

I like you. I don't tell you.

We can only thank God for that.

I'm out of the picture. I am out of the picture.

Matter of time now.

- You're imagining this. Really. - Oh, no. No, no.

I'll tell you when it happened too.

It's when that floss came flying out of my pocket.

What floss? When?

Ln the lobby, during the intermission of the play.

I was buying her one of those containers of orange drink.

For $5.

I reach into my pocket to pay for it. I look down.

There's this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers.

- Mint. - Of course.

So I'm looking at it. I look up and see she's looking at it.

Our eyes lock.

Lt was a horrible moment. I just....

So let me get this straight. She saw the floss.

You panicked, and you told her you liked her.

If I didn't put floss in my pocket...

...l'd be crawling around her bedroom right now, looking for my glasses.

- You sure the floss was the catalyst? - Yes, I am.

You don't think it might have had anything to do with that?

What, you don't like this?

Looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.

They got a cure for cancer. See, it's all big business.

Oh, hey! Jerry just walked in.

Hi, George!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take my number.

It's 555-8643.

Okay. Here he is.

- Who is it? - Take it.

- Who is it? - It's for you.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Joel.

No. I was out of town. I just got back.

Kramer doesn't know anything. He's just my next-door neighbour.

Nothing much. Tuesday?

Tuesday, no. I'm meeting somebody.

Wednesday?

Wednesday's okay. All right.

I'm a little busy right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning?

Okay. Yeah.

Right. Thanks. Bye.

Why do you put me on the phone with him?

I hate just being handed a phone.

Well, it's your phone. He wanted to talk to you.

Maybe I didn't want to talk to him.

- Well, why not? - He bothers me.

I don't answer the phone anymore because of him.

He's turned me into a screener.

Now I gotta see him on Wednesday.

What? I thought we had tickets to the Knick game Wednesday.

We got seats behind the bench.

- What happened? We're not going? - We're going.

That's next Wednesday.

- Who is this guy? - His name's Joel Horneck.

He lived, like, three houses down from me when I grew up.

He had a Ping-Pong table. We were friends.

Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping-Pong?

I was 1 0!

I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping-Pong table.

He's so self-involved.

That's for me.

Kramerica Industries.

Hi, Mark.

No, no. Forget that. I got a better idea.

A pizza place where you make your own pie.

Can you conduct your business...

- ...elsewhere? - No, I'm talking about a whole chain.

Yeah.

I don't know why you bother with this Ping-Pong guy, I tell you.

I don't bother with him.

He's been calling me for seven years. I never called him once.

He's got the attention span of a 5-year-old.

Sometimes I sit there...

...and I make up things just to see if he's paying attention.

I don't understand why you spend time with this guy.

What can I do, break up with him?

Tell him, " I don't think we're right for each other."

It's a guy.

At least with a woman there's a precedent.

The relationship goes sour, you end it.

No, no, no. You have to approach this as if he was a woman.

- Just break up with him? - Absolutely.

- You just tell him the truth. - The truth?

No. As a guy, I don't know how I can break up with another guy.

You know? I don't know how to say:

" Bill, I feel I need to see other men."

Know what I mean? There is nothing I can do.

I have to wait for someone to die.

I think that's the only way out of this relationship.

Lt could be a long time.

See the great thing about guys is that we can become friends...

...based on almost nothing.

Just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys.

That's almost all we need to have in common.

Because sports and women is really all we talk about.

If there was no sports and no women, the only thing guys would say is:

"So, what's in the refrigerator?"

So my shrink wants me to bring my mother in for a session.

I mean, this guy is a brilliant man.

Lenny Bruce used to go to him...

...and I think, Geraldo.

I read the Lenny Bruce biography. I thought it was...

Hey, hey, hey! We're starving here!

- ...interesting... - We've been waiting here 1 0 minutes.

...that he would....

So I'm thinking about going to Iran this summer.

You know, I have to eat.

I mean, I'm hypoglycaemic.

Anyway, the Hezbollah has invited me to perform.

- It's their annual terrorist luncheon. - Yeah.

I'm gonna do it in Farsi.

Do you think I need a haircut?

Are you ready?

Yeah, I'll have the egg salad on whole wheat.

Hey, let me ask you a question. This turkey sandwich here...

...is that real turkey or is it a turkey roll?

I don't want that processed turkey.

I hate it.

I think it's real turkey.

- ls there a real bird in the back? - No, there's no bird, but...

How do you know for sure? Why don't you do me a favour.

Why don't you go in the back and find out, okay?

Unbelievable.

How can you talk to someone like that?

Look, what are you saying? What, you like turkey roll?

Listen, Joel. There's something I have to tell you.

Wait.

You'll never guess who I ran into.

- Howard Metro. - Howard Metro.

He asked me if I still saw you. I said, "Sure, I see him all the time.

We're still great friends." Anyway, Howard says hello.

Listen, Joel.

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

What?

This friendship, it's not working.

Not working? What are you talking about?

We're just not suited to be friends.

- But how can you say that? - Look, you're a nice guy.

It's just that we don't have anything in common.

Wait. What did I do?

Tell me what... I want to know what I did.

You didn't do anything. It's not you. It's me.

It's... This is very difficult.

Look, I know I call you too much. Right? I mean, I know.

- You're a very busy guy. - No, it's not that.

You're one of the few people I can talk to.

Look, come on. Now, that's not true.

I always tell everybody about you.

I tell everybody to go see his show!

I mean, I'm your biggest fan.

- I know, I know. - I mean, you're my best friend.

Best friend? I've never been to your apartment.

I cannot believe that this is happening! I can't believe it.

Okay, okay, forget it. It's okay. I didn't mean it.

- Didn't mean what? - What I said.

- I've been under a lot of stress. - Oh, you've been under a lot of stress.

Look, just... Can we just forget the whole thing ever happened?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I took it out on you.

We're still friends. We're still friends. Still friends.

Okay, look. I tell you what. I got Knick tickets. This Wednesday.

Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with me?

Come on.

Tonight?

No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I would've said tonight.