Friendsgiving

Gobble, gobble.

This might just be the only bird excited to lose its neck today.

Can we do without the puns?

Well, yeah, but if today wasn't Thanksgiving

then it wouldn't be a pun.

It's just a grammar thing.

Good point, Mr. Williams.

However...

I don't remember saying that you could talk.

OK, that hurts. Oh, wow.

So does divorce.

But you don't see me crying about it, do you?

'Cause I'm taking names today, son.

Quick question, Molly, he can't see us, can he?

I'm gonna need for you to stop talking.

Now, turn around and show me your...

Pecans for the pie.

I don't know why you're making that this year.

It wasn't that good.

Barbara, be nice to your sister. She's had a rough year.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, my God, it is jerk turd central in here.

So, Thanksgiving in Hollywood, huh?

Which one of the Avengers is bringing the mound of cocaine shaped like a turkey?

Sorry, to burst your rude bubble

but it's just me, Molly and the baby today.

I don't even wanna know what goes on out there.

Nothing goes on. We are eating turkey and continuing the tradition,

no matter how small the family is this year.

Good for you, honey- You know what they say,

you have to appreciate the lesson in where you are before you can move on.

And they also say you're both better off without assholes in your life.

That too.

God, it just feels so weird

not being with Maeve and the kids on Thanksgiving.

Oh, give me a break, both of those kids need a good smack in the mouth.

People don't hit their children anymore.

- I don't know why. - Well, they should.

Why isn't the pool heated?

'Cause it's December, you spoiled little fuck.

Go play on the ice.

Barbara, calm down.

It just felt nice to have a family for once.

- Oh! - What are we, the cat's ass?

No, you know what I mean, my own family.

Listen, you know what, if you want a family,

we could all be together,

you could marry Big Pauly from down the street.

He always asks about you.

Yeah, if his name was Big Pauline, then maybe.

- -

Listen, how's Molly doing?

Oh, tell her, I just saw Pluto Raiders

- and I absolutely loved her in it. - We loved it!

- You fell asleep, Ma- - I saw it too, we loved it.

No, no, I saw every bit of it.

Pluto Raiders.

How's she doing since the husband left though?

Oh, my God, she is a real mess.

Molly, that does hurt.

Oh, yeah?

Have you ever pushed a ten-pound baby out of your vagina?

- No. - No, you don't have a vagina?

Well, do you wanna push one out of your asshole?

- Huh? - You ever shat yourself while bringing

a miracle into the world?

- Right. - Yeah.

You know what, this dominatrix thing was really stupid.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm really preoccupied with Eden, and I just...

Oh, oh, oh, darling. Honest, this thing is so uncomfortable.

Well, then, babe, let's...

Let's get you out of it. Yeah?

- We only have about a minute and a half. - Oh, that's plenty.

I hope you're joking.

Yeah. Well...

- -

Hi, this is Molly. Leave a message.

Hey. It's Thanksgiving already. Yay.

I'm warning you now, I'm gonna cry once an hour,

so you might need to cradle me in the fetal position

while I shove a third helping in my mouth.

Mmm. I'm wondering if I should make two pies, one for each of us.

I'm just so beyond thankful to have you today, babe. Call me.

Excuse me. You're not allowed to drink alcohol in here.

Oh, it's OK. I brought this with me, it's not one of yours.

Still, I'm sorry. I'm afraid that doesn't make a difference.

Don't you have other things you could be doing right now,

like making sure there are enough turkeys today?

Or stopping the hipsters from buying up all the hair product? Like...

Ma'am, if you take one more sip, I'm gonna have to call security.

What's gonna happen? Oh, no.

Strong, patriarchal male pushing women around.

- Oh, you want my uterus, too? - Happy Thanksgiving, ma'am.

Happy Thanksgiving to you, dickhead!

And thank you for saving me from my feelings this holiday.

Oh! Oh, it's Christmas already?

- Merry fucking Christmas. - No, hey. Hey.

Stop trying to shove holiday happiness down our throats!

Hey. No, stop! Ma'am. Hey.

Too soon!

OK, breakfast is served.

Oh, my gosh, this looks amazing.

What is it?

Mote Pillo. I have this in Ecuador.

The kids in my charity make this for me every time I go.

I love that you're a philanthropist.

Honestly, it's the most rewarding thing I've ever done.

Mmm. This is delicious.

- Really? - Mmm.

Oh, good. Yeah, you don't have an omelet pan,

so I just so I just used a regular one.

Although the kids in Ecuador, they use a hot rock.

- Wow. - Yeah.

You know, if you would have asked me a few weeks ago

what I thought I'd be doing for Thanksgiving

and what it would be like,

I would have said it would have been just fine.

Maybe even a bit depressing.

Oh, my God, yes. I know.

Darling, I know it's only been a couple of weeks,

but I'm not afraid to say I'm crazy about you, and your son.

Hey. How's Ohio?

Dan's father got the shits, so we had to stay home.

- Oh, no. - Yeah, it was coming out of both ends

and we didn't wanna risk getting the kids sick, so we're here.

How's your day going? Getting ready for your big plans with Abby?

Yep. I think we're gonna eat tons of pie and watch a movie.

Fuck off. That sounds incredible. Can I come over?

Hey, Mom, look what I can do!

Think that's the best choice you could be making right now with your life?

- - Oh, my God.

Listen to me, I've got to get out of this place.

I'm going to die here. Can I come over?

I mean, you must be going through a lot of emotions today,

and I'd like to help you through them.

You know what, yeah, we'd love to have you.

Why don't you come by around two?

OK, great. That's amazing-

I can't wait to see you. I love you.

- I'll see you soon. - Bye.

- You OK? - Yeah.

I just promised Abby I'd spend the day with her.

Well, I'm sure it's fine.

It's just a couple more people.

Well, it sounds like you have a fun day planned.

That's cool.

I have a fun day planned, too.

I'm gonna go out and just do some things and some stuff and some things.

- Jeff. - Yes?

- Would you like to stay for dinner? - I would love to. Oh, my God.

- I just had a great idea. - What?

You know what, don't worry about it.

I need to make a phone call.

I'm gonna make Eden's first Thanksgiving a phenomenal one.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Oh, my God. - Wow.

I know. I went a little overboard today, but you gotta fill the void somehow.

Uh, babe...

Oh, listen, I thought I would roll the dice

and do the turkey in the vertical roaster.

Heard it's amazing.

Sounds it. But I just wanted to let you know that...

Darling, is this moisturizer just for the face or is it...

Oh, hey!

This is Jeff.

Hey, Jeff, and... little Jeff. Nice to meet you.

Sorry.

Oh, no big deal.

I have one just like it in my top drawer. Except mine's bigger.

Darling, I'm going to go back to the hotel,

grab some stuff and then I'll come straight back.

Abby, it was lovely to meet you.