Barbarian

Eight, eight, three, one.

Eight, eight, three, one.

Okay.

Eight, eight, three, one.

Come on. Eight, eight, three, one.

Motherfuck. Okay.

Go away.

Eight, three, three, one.

Okay.

Eight, three, three, one.

Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.

Oh. Come on.

Hi, you've reached Bonnie Zane

with Greater Wayne Property Management.

I can't come to the phone right now.

Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me.

...but please leave a message, and I'll call you right back.

Hi. This is Tess Marshall.

I'm in town. I'm at the house on Barbary.

And I'm on the porch, and it's pouring rain,

and there is no key in the lockbox.

So, please, could you just call me back on this number?

Thank you.

God damn it.

Yeah?

I'm sorry, who are you?

What? Who are you?

This is 476 Barbary, right?

Yeah, no. Yeah, yeah. I think so.

You don't know?

No. I don't live here. I'm renting this place.

It's the middle of the night.

I don't have it in the top of my head, the address.

No, I'm renting this place.

What?

I... I'm renting this place.

I... I booked it on Airbnb like a month ago.

I booked it on HomeAway.

You're fucking kidding.

Wait, wait.

Wait, are you sure you have the right place?

Yeah, I...

Yeah, my email says 476 Barbary. That's here, right?

And my code works for the lockbox.

I'm supposed to be in here.

Did you try and call someone?

Yeah. No one answered.

And you're sure you have the right date?

Look.

Yeah. I mean, it looks right.

Fuck. This is unbelievable.

What am I supposed to do?

I don't know. I don't know.

Why don't you... Why don't you come inside?

And we'll call these idiots.

Improved by Sailor420

Hope you enjoy the sub-show

Uh, would you mind if I... Yeah?

I need to use the bathroom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.

It's just down the hall, to your left.

Okay. I'll be right back.

Would you mind pulling up your reservation confirmation, just so I can see it?

In case I'm some kinda weirdo, who's broken in here to sleep?

Yeah, yeah. No, it's fine.

Let me just find my phone.

Here.

Jesus.

I'm sorry. I didn't know you were back.

I was just getting my phone. Sorry.

Here's... Here's the thing.

Right.

Yep. That looks right to me.

Great.

Maybe I have a different number through HomeAway

than the one that you called?

This is what I got.

303-5... 5... 303-509...

Yeah, that... That's the same one.

Yeah. (chuckles softly)

Listen, I don't know what the protocol is for this.

Me neither.

Um...

I guess I'll just find somewhere else.

I mean... Yep.

Guess I'm gonna do that.

Uh, I'll let you get back to sleep.

I feel bad.

It's clearly not your fault.

What are you gonna do?

Just go drive around, looking for a hotel?

I have my phone. Make some calls.

In your car?

Yeah, I don't think that's such a good idea.

I mean, I don't know if you got a great look at this neighborhood,

but it's not...

I don't think you should be sitting out there by yourself this late.

I mean, I wouldn't do that.

Look, obviously, do whatever you want,

but if you wanna hang out in here,

where it's dry, and there's a lock on the door,

I'm totally fine with that.

Uh, here's the Wi-Fi info...

Thanks. ...if you need it.

Oh, by the way, I'm Keith.

Tess.

Tess. That's a pretty name.

Thanks.

Do you want anything?

I think there's some tea in the kitchen.

Um... Want some tea?

I'm okay. Thank you. Okay.

Um... Oh, shit, yeah. There's...

Somebody left out a bottle of wine here.

With a ribbon on it, like a housewarming thing.

And there's some nuts here, too.

I'm just saying.

I'm okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, cool.

Um, I'm gonna have some tea.

I'll just make you a cup.

Hi. Hi, I was just wondering,

do you have any rooms available?

Yeah. For tonight, that's right.

Really?

Okay, thanks.

Uh... Shit.

You know what I just realized?

The water is heating up, by the way.

You know what I just realized?

What's that? There's a convention in town.

What?

Yeah, there's, like, some huge medical thing.

I don't think you're gonna be able to get a room tonight.

I can't believe this.

All right. Here's what I propose.

Why don't you just crash here?

Oh, no. I don't... I don't think that's...

No, no, no. You take the bedroom,

and I'll sleep out here on the couch.

And then tomorrow, we'll call these idiots.

Get our money back. Free stay for both of us.

Really can't believe this.

I mean, I don't know what else there is to do.

I can take the couch. No, no, no.

Call me what you want,

but there's no way I'm sleeping in the bedroom

while a young lady is sleeping on the couch.

Blame it on my upbringing, but it's not up for discussion.

Well, no offense,

but I kinda have a thing about clean sheets.

You really didn't have to do that.

Not even up for discussion.

Besides, I have a raincoat and you don't.

No, no, I got it. Oh. No, no, no.

You sure? You sure? I can... Yeah.

Okay.

You left this in the bedroom.

Oh, shit.

Thanks. Good eyes.

I'm gonna go wash up.

Yeah. Knock yourself out.

Uh, hey.

Uh, the laundry's still in the wash.

Um...

But I thought, well, I'm wide awake, so...

So I, um... It's gonna be a bit now.

I thought I'm gonna have some of this here wine.

But I didn't wanna open it

before you got out of the shower

because I noticed you didn't drink your tea.

And, well, I totally get that, by the way.

I mean, you don't know me, and this is a fucking really weird situation.

It makes total sense.

Um, but I thought that you might want some of this.

But if I opened it while you weren't here, that... that...

Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm rambling.

Jesus Christ.

Um...

I thought you wouldn't want any if you didn't see me open it.

So, I waited.