It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Damn it, damn it, damn it! This is such a stupid goddamn situation.

We've got to get out of here, Dennis. We have got to get out of here.

We need a plan. Okay, well, plan one is for you to lower your goddamn voice.

This is as low as I go, okay?

I say we bum-rush her and choke her out with her own belt.

Dee, you're escalating shit.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

We immediately escalate everything to a 10. It's ridiculous.

I mean, somebody comes in with some preposterous plan or idea,

and then all of a sudden, everybody's on the gas.

Nobody's on the brakes. Nobody's thinking.

Everybody's just talking over each other with one idiotic idea after another,

until finally, we find ourselves in a situation...

where we've broken into somebody's house, and the homeowner is home.

Yes, yes.

I'm sick of it, Dee. Okay.

We can't do this anymore. Okay.

We've got to examine our process.

Fine. I'm on board with that. But right now I'm trying to come up with solutions.

If you don't want to choke her out, we won't.

But you need to help me come up with a plan. This is breaking and entering.

Oh, my God.

Dee, your breath is hideous.

I mean, it smells bad. Okay. Okay.

Oh, my God. We are really in over our heads this time.

I'm saying this was a totally avoidable situation.

I know. I know I'm not innocent in all this, okay?

I know I shouldn't have stood on that table and given that awesome speech...

about how I was the perfect one to lead us into the house because of my wonderful grace.

I know that. I regret that now. It was a very persuasive speech.

Oh, she's packing a suitcase.

I definitely regret you getting quadruple onions on your burger.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was going to be trapped in a closet...

with you for the afternoon.

I definitely regret being dragged along into this whole thing.

For what purpose would you have been dragged?

You nosed your way into this like you do with everything.

You are nothing but liabilities, Dee. Oh, come on.

Loud voice, breath reeks. Nosy.

Oh, she's leaving. She's leaving.

She's gone.

Okay, okay. I'm gonna call Mac and Charlie. Okay.

Guys, come in. Are you there? Yes, Extraction Team.

What is your status? Have you recovered the artifact yet?

No. We are off the artifact plan.

We are not doing the artifact plan anymore.

It is a stupid plan.

Negative, negative. It is an awesome plan, okay?

This family should not have the artifact. It belongs in a museum.

Belongs in a museum, bro.

Adults should not be making plans that are based on dumb movies!

Excuse me? Indiana Jones is a dumb movie?

I-I like the first one. Oh, God.

I like him as a character. Oh, God, come on.

Okay, listen. It's not about that.

I'm just saying that the plan was genuinely dumb,

as many of our plans are, I now realize.

What about your whole speech about "I have the grace of a falcon,

and I'll be in and out like a demon's whisper"?

Dude, you stood up on your chair in that burger restaurant and said that speech for everybody.

It was a damn good speech. It was very persuasive. But I regret it now.

I gotta pee. No.

Wait, wait. Dee... Dee, what-what are you doing?

She could come back in here at any moment. Well, what...

Indiana Jones, part four, was dumb.

I'll give you that. I wouldn't even count it.

I'm gonna say Temple of Doom's out for me, as well.

Is it out for you? That's also dumb.

I liked that one.

Guys, can we talk about this later?

Frank, let's go. We're bailing.

I ain't going nowhere until I get that vase.

Forget about the vase, Frank. We're bailing on the vase, okay?

Frank's right actually, okay?

We gotta think about what's best for the vase.

Yes, we are men of honor who protect artifacts from those who steal them.

What? You didn't give a shit about artifacts two hours ago.

So what? Now we do. Yeah. What's that have to do with anything?

Well, we should not be committing crimes based on beliefs that are two hours old.

Well, then don't read us newspaper articles about stolen artifacts that outrage us.

That article was about how the museum is holding an auction to raise money, okay?

Nothing was stolen. The vase is not stolen.

As a matter of fact, only if we follow through with this plan will the vase be stolen.

Well, you were the ones who escalated us off of being the Extraction Team.

We could have gotten in and out of there.

Well, escalate your way back in, for all I give a shit.

I'm leaving. I quit. Me too.

Well, I'm still in. Living on the edge. It's making me feel alive.

- Shh! - See? Now, Frank, that is why you are on the Extraction Team.

Frank's got the attitude. Dennis has the grace. Dee nosed in.

She nosed in. Dee was dragged.

Oh, shit. Extraction Team, there is an S.U.V. pulling up in front of the house.

- There is a man getting out. - Okay, I cannot see the driver's face,

but the subject appears to have...

pointed feet of some kind.

Okay, I'm repeating here.

He has pointed feet, so careful now.

What does that mean?

He's wearing cowboy boots.

Okay, yes, I'm seeing now that they are cowboy...

His feet could be pointed on the inside, so let's be...

They're definitely not pointed on the inside. How do you know that?

How do you know that? They're definitely not.

I guess I can't say for sure.

You don't know for sure. Sweetheart?

You home? Up here, darlin'!

Is she coming back up here? Why is she coming back up here? Oh, shit, back in the closet.

Yippee-i-ki-yay.

Hurry.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. What the hell?

Oh. I just saw her put the vase in the suitcase.

What? No. We can barely even tell if that's a person and a suitcase.

I have to pee so bad. Deandra, your breath is dog shit.

I know.

What are you doing home?

I got a call from the alarm company. They said it was the house.

- This is bad. - Oh, I must have set if off.

I just popped by to grab a jacket.

I told you it'd be chilly.

Yeah, you're always right about that, honey.

- Well, I got an appointment, you know. - Oh, yeah.

I'm heading back to the office. Bye, sugar.

- Bye. - What the hell was that?

Very strange. That was close.

Give me a chip. No, no. These are my chips.

You don't get a chip. What's going on in there?

Basically, these people are Southern, and the lady lied to the man.

Are they gone? I don't know. Let's just quietly get out.

It's vase time, bitches.

What? No, no, no, no. What are you doing, Frank?

We are in a very dangerous situation here.

These people are from the South.

That's weird. People from the South don't usually move up north.

Oh, no, they come up. These carpetbaggers come up by the truckload...

just to steal our artifacts.

Carpetbaggers, huh? Yeah.

Give me a chip. No, you don't get chips, Charlie!

God only knows what these people will do to us if they catch us.

These Southerners, they probably pray for a home invasion every single day.

They can't wait to get their hands on home invaders...

so they can blast 'em with shotguns...

and do God knows what to them, Frank.

We'll be lucky if the only thing that happens is we go to jail.

We have got to go.

If some hillbilly comes up to me, I'm gonna lash him in the face.

No, Frank. They are always armed to the teeth.

They will hog-tie us and hang us out on the front lawn or burn us on a cross.

You're right, man. You got to be careful.

Anytime you find out some dude's got a crazy torture basement or something,

it's someone from the South.

It always is. Extraction Team,

go down to the basement and see if it's some kind of crazy type dungeon.

Yeah, yeah. Dungeons and tons of guns and... Dude, please give me a chip.

You're not getting a chip, okay? Come on!

Leave me alone with the chips!

If you wanted chips, you could've gotten a bag at the hamburger store.

Don't ask me again! I can't listen to this shit anymore.

Ooh! Ah! Hmm.

Q-tip holder. Shit.

Oh, problem solved. Can we just get out of here?

Wait, wait. Hold on. You need to see this.

Dee, you are nosing in. Nip it in the bud.

A whole bunch of tickets to The Jay Leno Show.

Who cares? Listen to me.

Who wants to see Jay Leno 15, 16 times?

No one. No one wants to see him once. At all, right?

I got a theory.

She's bangin' Leno. She's having an affair with Leno.

Frank, if she was bangin' Jay Leno,

why would she have to buy a bunch of tickets to his show?

That's stupid, Frank. Use your head. I've got an idea though.

She's trying to kill him. She's still very upset about the whole Conan thing.

Oh, my God! That's it. She's icing Leno.

She's packing her suitcase. She's sneaking away from her husband.

Listen to me. These are the theories of lunatics!

Okay. We have got to get out of here now.

Yes, he's right. Let's go. No.

Back off, bitch.

I ain't leaving until I get that vase.

Stop it! Stop it.

He's gonna hurt himself. Never should have let him have that whip.

For God's sake, let's just get out of here. Let's go. Come on.

Okay, I think the back door's this way.

Dee, you gangly, uncoordinated bitch,

I am not getting hog-tied over your lack of grace.

I hope they hog-tie you.

And then I hope they rape you in their basement for 10 years.

Dee, listen to me.

I'm telling you,

I have a weird feeling about this.

If he just randomly comes home with some story about the alarm,

he knows something.

Look, we should just do it now. Pull the trigger.

Pull the trigger? What does that mean?

Who is she talking to? What is she talking about pulling the trigger on?

I don't know. I mean, until now,

I was thinking this Southern violence talk was just bullshit.

It was just an escalation of some kind. Mm-hmm.

But now I think it might not be, you know what I mean? Mm-mmm.

Who is she talking to right now? Who is that person?