Idiotsitter

Which of these shapes is a parallelogram?

- That one. - Nope.

Can you take your shades off please?

Yeah, if you take your top off.

I'm not taking my top off. Take off your sunglasses.

Doesn't seem fair, but...

Frickin' crazy.

Which of these women is Harriet tubman?

- The what one? - The sexy one?

I don't... which one is sexy to you?

Nope, that's Nancy Reagan. First lady.

- First lady of what? - America.

Speaking of geography,

which of these... - Is not a total waste of time? Neither one of them.

Let's get some beers up in here's... Joy!

Joy!

Hey, Gene?

- Gene. - Hmm?

If you don't learn, you don't pass your GED.

You don't pass your GED, you go to prison.

Know what happens to girls like you in prison?

Yeah, I get along with everyone and have a super cool time,

and then I get corn-rowed-haired.

Nope, you get your teeth knocked out

with a shower handle and they use your mouth

as a tampon depository.

Soup's on.

Now which of these countries is Botswana?

Sorry about that.

- Okay. It's fine. - Which... which one is what?

Which one of these... they're both a country...

- Oh, yeah? - Which one is Botswana?

- In Africa. - I think like maybe like that one's Botswana?

Okay. All right. I'll get it.

- Oh, no, no, I got it. - It's expensive card stock.

I got it. I'll pick it up.

Don't. Don't!

- It's mine! - Don't touch it.

Don't kick it with your dirty sneakers.

Do they play soccer in Botswana?

Don't! Give it!

Don't you... don't!

You're eating Malaysia.

Tastes like Thailand.

Ha ha!

I wonder if anyone's ever died

dying these tennis balls their classic

neon green color.

That's how I wanna go, you know?

Like, doing something hella weird

slash sports related.

I want to go in a fire tragedy.

Speaking of, I need your help.

We need to get Billie fired.

No! Why? I mean, why, and...

What?

But, I thought you liked her.

No, she's like, freakin' lame.

With, like, a capital "f" and a lowercase "I,"

'cause you only capitalize, like,

the first letter of the sentence.

Damn it!

You do?

Yeah, it's a thing. Why do I know that?

I mean, I'm impressed.

I mean, it seems like she's taught you

some really cool things.

Yeah, it's, like, the worst.

What if you just, you know,

kept her around in case she has a crush

on one of your friends?

Mm... I don't have any friends.

I thought I was your friend.

- Gene? - Don't come in, we're naked!

No you're not, you're both wearing terrible clothes.

Maybe that's just what our bare skin looks like.

Oh, hi Billie. I didn't see you there.

Hello, Chet.

She knows I'm here. I can't stand it.

I can hear you.

Uh, Gene, did you start your book report?

Yeah. Done.

Capital "d." Lowercase "one."

Damn it!

You read a whole book and already wrote your report?

Yeah. I read "The Grapes Gatsby."

Do you mean "The Great Gatsby?"

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Well, what's it about?

- It's about rich people. - Uh-huh.

- Who are in love. - Mm-hmm.

And it's directed by Baz Luhrmann.

- It's directed by? - It's written by Baz Luhrmann.

- Okay. - And the music for the book was done by Jay Z,

and it stars Leo Dicaps,

old Spider-man, and Borat's wife.

Okay, so you watched the movie.

You didn't read the book.

They made a movie out of that?

Come on. We'll start over.

We'll pick a new book. Come on.

And what's gonna happen if I don't?

Uh, major consequences.

- Major consequences. - Yeah.

That sounds like a Disney movie about the army.

"Major consequences," starring Zack and Cody!

- They would be in it! - They would.

- Totally they would star in it! - Yeah!

Hey, Chet, do you want to go to my guesthouse

where all my underwear is and pick a new book?

Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes.

Great.

Guess your plans have changed.

Oh, yes, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas."

You'd love this. It's all about drugs.

And there are bats in it. Really cool...

well they're my favorite night creature, so...

Ooh, Gene, you might like "Of Mice and Men."

It's all about guys...

I'm already sold.

Mice are my favorite day creature.

Okay, so, we're off to a good start.

- I feel it too. - What?

Okay, let's just get one more for safety.

Um, "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn."

It's a classic, and you love adventure.

And huckleberry's my jam.

I put it on everything.

English muffins. Croissants.

So we have three awesome options.

Guess they are kinda three awesome options.

Probably start these never.

I sincerely thought she was gonna say "now."

Look, I'm spending the day with Chet.

That's what I'm doing.

And nobody's gonna change that, okay?

Sorry. Is what it 'tis.

- Chet, leave. - Okay. - What?

I hate you, you're the worst, just die!

You're still inside.

Die!

Mr. Russell?

- Huh? - Can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure thing, Bill. Hey, do you know where my balls went?

I don't, uh, even know how to answer that.

Uh, it's about Gene.

I... I'm having a hard time getting her to do her work

or not hate me.

Oh, well, you know, she just takes

some time warming up.

You have to ease her into it.

It's like, uh... I should be able to think of

a better example...

Can't. It's like date rape.

- Date... date rape? - Yeah. Date rape.

- Uh... I don't know... - You can't force her into doing something,

you have to take her out, make her feel good.

Well, then at the end of the night, well,

you get what I'm saying. Look, I'm... I'm late for my... late for my match.

Hope I was helpful.

- Not at all. - Hey, Joy!

Have you seen my balls?

Bunch of rich weirdoes.

"This is Gene writing.

"Meet me by the pool. Let's talk books.

"P.S. Ran out of

Bunch of rich weirdoes.

Gene?

Gene?

Ha, you thought I was gonna push you in the pool.

- Push me in the pool? - What?

You got my cast wet!

I don't know how to swim! Here, I'll help you.

I'll help you. I got you.

Ow, no, no! No, no, no!

I'm not making a funny joke!

- Get off of me! - I can't.

You're weighing me down, man.

I need you.

Why are you so much heavier than you are on land?

- Wake up! Wake up! - Okay?

I can't die! What's wrong with you?

I can't die, I've never been to France.

- You're my sea pony. - I am not your sea pony.

- Giddy-up! - Ahh!

Dinner!

Give it a rest, Joy.

Everyone knows your accent is fake.

That is true.

Help us! Don't go chasing waterfalls.

No, no, no, no, no!

No, no!

Tanzy, what is this link you just sent me?

It's all the buzzfeed quizzes.

I'm finding out what kind of bird I would kill

if I was a jaguar.

Oh, yeah.

- You look ridiculous. - Get a mirror.

Why?