$#*! My Dad Says

Root Beer, I admire your style.

If you can't eat our rug, you pee on it.

We're not that different, you and me.

Hey, Rutty.

Stick out your jaw if you love me.

Yes, you do.

Hey, great news...

I just spoke to my editor,

and they found bedbugs in the office.

So they're closing the paper down for the day.

- Isn't that great? - What's that got to do with me?

Well, I was thinking that since I have the day off,

- you and I can spend... - Can't. Busy.

What was the question?

I said do you want to spend the day together?

Can't. Busy.

Doing what? It's 9:00 a.m.

You already yelled at everything you're gonna yell at for today.

What else is left?

I'm going down to Authentic Carl's.

The sports-memorabilia place

where you got your Steve Garvey bat?

That's right.

The bat he used that night he hit for the cycle.

Garvey never hit for the cycle with the Padres.

Not the baseball cycle.

After the game at a motel near the stadium...

Garvey allegedly banged a brunette, a blond,

a redhead, and a twin...

that cycle.

And the bat is the one he gave to the motel manager

so he wouldn't tell his first wife.

Anyway, I have ordered a ball that was used in the last game

that the Cincinnati Reds played at Crosley Field.

And Authentic Carl is holding it for me.

Uh, dad, um, I moved back here so I can get to know you better,

so you and I can get closer.

Well, I'm glad we didn't. You're covered in crabs.

Why don't you go and pick up that ball tomorrow?

And maybe today you and I can spend some time together,

do a father-son activity.

Hey, why don't we go to the racetrack?

I am going down to pick up my ball.

If you want to come down and watch me do it,

that's up to you.

Only if I get to chip in for gas, dad.

Oh, great, now he wants to ride in the same car.

Hi, dad.

What the hell do you want?

Well, Bonnie's ovulating,

and we're trying to make a baby.

So if you need to come into our room

in the middle of the night to get something,

maybe you could... I don't know...

knock or, uh, not flip on the lights

or perhaps not shout out, "the horror, the horror."

Not happening.

Okeydoke.

Hey, why are you smiling?

Well, we're seeing a new fertility specialist

who says that since there's nothing wrong

with Bonnie's ova or my sperms

that perhaps we should try staying more positive

as it may affect our ability to conceive.

So that's what we're doing.

Sounds stupid.

Fair enough.

Ed, Ed, Ed, I love that you feel comfortable enough

to come into our room at night looking for an old life magazine

and then taking that life magazine

into the bathroom,

which is a mere four feet from my head.

But if there's any way you could close the door next time,

that would be super, okay?

Thanks, doll!

Why the hell would you want to have a child now?

You're just starting to get your business off the ground.

If not now, when?

I mean, there's no perfect time to have a baby, right, Ed?

Bing! Oh!

Ed, Ed, Ed, you are, gosh, a delight.

But is there any room in the house

that you won't walk in on us when we're trying to conceive

your grandchild?

Well, there is one.

The garage?

You... you want us to live in the garage?

Bingo!

I'm just saying you should be more careful, dad.

You almost hit that pedestrian.

Guy was in a wheelchair. That's a vehicle.

Hey.

- Dr. Goodson. - Authentic Carl.

Henry, this is Authentic Carl.

- Look, it's coming in, huh? - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's coming in.

Authentic Carl's my good friend, my confidant.

I tell him everything.

Hey, I'm Henry.

And, uh, how do you know Ed?

I'm his son.

I didn't know you had a son.

Hey, how is Root Beer, by the way?

Oh, so cute.

They grow up so fast.

So you got my ball?

Ah. Ha ha. Yes. About that...

I got some good news.

It came in this morning,

amazing condition.

Turns out this ball is worth twice

what you were gonna pay for it.

Good news is I got a great deal.

No, the good news is I sold it for four times

what you were going to pay.

But, Carl, you were going to hold that ball for me.

We had a verbal agreement.

You can't sell that ball to the highest bidder.

It's not your sister's virginity.

Ed, I'm sorry. I have a living to make here.

We've known each other 20 years.

20 years? My name doesn't come up once?

You can't go back on something like that?

Where's your honor?

Ed, I'm 50.

I sell sports memorabilia and breed iguanas.

I said good-bye to my honor the first time I signed

babe Ruth's name on a beanie baby

and sold it to some idiot kid.

So do you know the name of the guy who bought the ball?

Of course I do.

I write down the names of all my customers.

- Where? - In this ledger.

It's also where I keep my license

to distribute medical marijuana.

So do me a favor, will you?

Tell me how I can get in touch with the guy who bought my ball

so I can buy it back from him.

Ed, I cannot give out customer information.

- I have integrity. - But no honor.

I can make the distinction.

That's how I can sleep at night...

that and my medical marijuana.

Oh, uh, Ed, I've got a customer

I have to look after here.

I think his glaucoma is kicking in.

Well, hey, look at that. Your day opened up.

Any chance I can get you down to the track?

Not likely. I want that ball.

Aren't we finished here, dad?

I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the blind masseuse.

Trust me. You'll know when I'm finished.

Honey, look at this. Look at this.

It's my Beanie Baby signed by Babe Ruth.

Very rare.

Honey, when did Babe Ruth die?

Uh, buh, buh, buh, 1948. Why?

No reason.

You know what?

I think we're going to be happy living here.

Oh, we're going to be so happy.

I'm going to turn this musty old garage

into our enchanted cottage.

We'll put our bed right over here by the paint cans.

Yeah. Hey, we can put our wedding pictures

right over there on that shelf

where those ants are devouring that bird carcass.

Yeah, there'll be flowers everywhere

instead of rat droppings and...

cricket husks.

Hey, we'll give our baby a bath

right over there in that sink

that looks like it was used in the movie saw.

Honey, our baby... can you even imagine?

Yeah. No, we're really going to raise a family here.

I know it's not much... oh, my God, what's in that pail?

You know what? I don't know.

That... that has been there since I was a kid,

and it never quite seems to dry...

Come on, let's get out of here... let's go do something fun.

Henry, if I wanted to do something fun,

I'd have gone to Tijuana with $18 in quarters.

Now, I figured out a plan...

to get my ball back.

- And why do you need me? - It's a two-man job.

And since I don't have another man, I'm asking you.

Why is this ball so important to you?

Because I'm sentimental, dummy.

I need you to distract Carl.

While you're doing that, I'm going to quietly

and gracefully leap over this counter

and grab that ledger.

Are you sure? This counter's kind of high.

You pulled a hammy tying your shoe the other day.

You wanted to come with me? This is what I do.

Now, are you in, or are you out?

Fine.

Make it quick.

- Hey, Carl. - Hey.

- Is that a Tony Gwynn Jersey? - Yeah.