Swimming with Sharks

In Hollywood

one of the fastest ways to the top

is to work for someone who's already there.

The system dictates that one must first be a slave

before you can become a success.

But this can be a very demanding process.

Only a few people have the drive

to endure the thousands of indignities and hardships

that make up the system.

Now, this drive is usually motivated by greed,

sometimes ambition,

sometimes even love.

There are stories of love inspiring success

over the most insurmountable of odds.

This is not one of those stories.

Buddy's doin' great,

and it's great to see you, Derrick.

I'll tell him he owes you a call.

Cool. Thanks.

Thanks, Derrick. Where was I?

Shelley Winters.

Buddy invites her

to do a reading for a part.

Now, Shelley Winters

has not auditioned for a part

in 15, 20 years,

but Buddy can convince a flea it needs ticks.

That's why the man is my guy.

Who's Shelley Winters?

You know, she's the actress.

Older, right?

Shelley comes rolling into the office,

plops down in a chair.

Buddy was working her, sweet-talking her.

"Got a project, new project. Wonderful project."

Shelley's not buyin' it. She's just sitting there.

Finally, she reaches into her bag,

pulls out an Oscar.

No way.

An honest-to-god Academy Award.

You're kiddin' me.

Buddy still doesn't shut up.

He's goin' on and on and on and on.

Buddy's sweet-talkin' like crazy.

Shelley, not phased,

again reaches down into her bag.

Pulls out another Oscar.

2 Oscars.

And another... 3.

She's got a line of them.

Buddy... shut up.

The woman is surrounded by Oscars.

Dead silence.

Finally, she looks him right in the eye,

and she says...

"You know...

some people think I can act."

This coming from the future president of Keystone Pictures.

You know, I can't really picture her.

Who's Shelley Winters?

Wait. I got it. She's that actress

that does the Poly-Denture commercials, right?

Right, right.

And she's married to that guy who's, like,

what, 20 years younger than her?

Yeah. Right, right.

Stop it. Stop it.

That's Martha Raye, you idiots.

Shelley Winters.

Winchester '73.

A Place In The Sun.

Patch Of Blue.

Lolita.

The Poseidon Adventure.

Oh! Oh!

Sure. Yeah, yeah.

I've seen that movie. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, that was a very good film, actually.

Sorry I asked. I was curious.

I apologize.

Never apologize, Moe. It's a sign of weakness.

Holy shit. Guy, there's Foster Kane.

Introduce us! The man is my god!

Guy. They let you out of the salt mine.

To keep an eye on you, Foster.

Say hello to the boys.

Hey. How you doing?

Good to meet you.

You're the best.

How's... how's Buddy?

Well, he's great. He's great.

I called the other day.

I haven't heard back, though.

Well, I'll tell him he owes you a call.

Ok. I appreciate that. Be seein' you again.

Foster.

Uh, very nice...

Bye-bye.

I love that guy. He's amazing.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Who was that again?

That's only the most powerful, sought-after

director in town.

What, Buddy's paging you now?

Excuse me, gentlemen.

What are you doin' here?

What, are you trying to embarrass me?

No. No.

He is the prodigal son of Keystone Pictures.

He is Buddy Ackerman's boy.

He is our ticket in.

So don't blow it with your stupid questions.

Moe. Moe. What?

You're not comin' anymore.

Don't bring him anymore.

You can't come anymore.

Ok.

Yeah, what?

Dawn?

It's Guy.

Oh, h... hey.

Hi.

Listen, um...

about the other day.

Sounds like you're being summoned there.

He's been trying to reach me all night.

Forget about Buddy.

Can I come over? I... I think...

I think we really need to talk.

Not right now, ok?

Um, I... I have these scripts to read,

and I'm really busy.

Oh.

Uh... can... can we do this tomorrow?

Tomorrow.

Yeah, all right.

Talk to me.

What is it?

Nothing. I... I...

there's just something that I want to tell you,

and... uh, I... it can wait till tomorrow.

Call me in the morning, ok?

I will.

Dawn?

What?

I really am sorry.

Ok.

Yeah, what?

Uh, it's Guy. You beeped?

10 minutes ago. What took you so fuckin' long?

Ahem, well, I... I had to get to a phone...

Whatever. Anyway, is it done?

Yes. I returned every call, and I left work.

Well, that's good,

because some asshole complained to Cyrus

that I'm not returnin' my calls.

I can't afford to have that. Not now, not ever,

and certainly not when I'm about to be promoted.

Yes.

Ok. You're right.

And, uh, it won't happen again.

Christ, you're not even listening, are you?

I'll tell you, Guy,

I don't think this is working anymore.

Maybe it's time we reconsider our relationship.

Reconsider? What do you mean?

We'll talk about it in the morning.

No, wait a minute. R-reconsider what, Buddy?

What are you gonna do? You gonna fire me?

Hold on. I got another call. Hello? Hello?

It's still me. Listen,

we couldn't return a lot of calls today

'cause you've been away. Now, what do you mean...

Hold on. Shut up.

Guy, listen,

tomorrow morning, call the phone company,

because all my phones are fuckin' screwed up!

Cancel the call-waiting crap

and put in 2...

No, 4 extra lines here at the house.

After you've fixed the phones,

research who directed

the new slam-a-jam music video.

It's got this blonde.

Find out who his agent is and what he's doing next.

And then track down the blonde.

She's wearing this, um...

It's like an American flag kind of thing.

It's draped all over her, uh...

I don't know what.

Set up a meeting.

She's...

she's really...

she's patriotic.

The video was directed by a she...

What the hell?

...Tracy Janowitz. And you're a little late.

She signed a 3-picture deal with Universal.

What the hell?

And as far as the blonde...

What are you doing?