The Brittas Empire

300 cubits long, by 50 cubits wide, by 30 cubits high...

higher than Mr Brittas' office.

With three decks and stairs so the animals can go two by two,

to spend a penny and be sick.

Do they have pennies on the Ark?

And I've worked out a seating plan, mammals over there,

reptiles up the front, fish along here

with the sharks separated from the nice fish of course.

You don't need to put fish on the Ark,

they can stay in the sea!

Eh?

What's a flood to a fish? It's more room to swim around in.

Julie! You have a brain!

I can see why that young man of yours wants to marry you!

Oh him, yeah.

The fish can stay in the sea.

I don't have to have the whales on board,

there'll be more room,

the chickens can be free range.

Two minutes from now, you'll be a minute late for work!

Yeah and in three months' time, some people have spent

thirty eight years being thick as a brick!

Thank you Julie.

And it's thirty seven!

Mr Brittas, as you know I've been helping Linda's bible class

with their project about Noah's Ark.

Now I've laid out the dimensions so that the children can see

-how big it was... -Colin!

but with your permission

I would like to launch a small scale model I have made of the

-Ark in the pool. -Colin!

I've filled out all the forms Mr Brittas, in topciplicate.

Colin..? What do you see before you?

I see you Mr Brittas!

God's gift to the leisure industry.

Colin, I can see a whole load of old rubbish over there!

Supermarket trolleys, car wheels, bicycle tyres...

we had the travellers in here last night, hundreds of them.

Did we? Now that explains why there was all that underwear on

the rose bushes this morning!

Left in a hurry did they?

They certainly did, when I threw them out!

Get it cleared up please.

Oh you're not looking at that one of me in my beach pyjamas

and my sunburnt nose, I look awful, throw it away!

No, no, you look lovely!

Do I? Oh, it's not even my good side!

The other side is my good side look!

If you hold it up to the light you can see my good side.

Welcome to the Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre,

how may I help you?

-It's me Carole. -Oh sorry Mrs Brittas!

I'm free now aren't I?

Yes, there's no-one in for counselling today.

Good. Carole, my last client when he left...

did he walk all hunched up, head down, jabbering to himself?

Yes Mrs Brittas.

Good! Good he's getting better!

Funny thing about the twins Carole...

Oh I know, it's the flash that frightened them, but look, you

can see their little eyes from underneath the sofa and actually

their eyes... their eyes are blue not red.

No, not that one, this one of them in profile...

they remind me of someone.

Oh do they really? Royalty perhaps? Or Cliff Richard?

Well no, although oddly enough, they look like Mr Brittas.

Mr Brittas!

They don't look like Mr Brittas, what a stupid thing to say.

I'm sorry, but they do they look like Mr Brittas.

No they don't they haven't even got blazers on!

How dare you!

Sorry but they do look like Mr...

They do not look like Mr Brittas. My twins have beautiful

round faces, Mr Brittas has a great big craggy sort of face.

Morning Carole!

Mr Brittas, I was talking about another Mr Brittas,

a Mr Brittas with a great big craggy sort of face.

Carole are you planning a nervous collapse?

There's a procedure for that sort of thing.

Good news from the pool, the urine content is down to 9% .

Good man Gavin, meeting in ten minutes please.

Mr Brittas, just before you go Mr Brittas, could I...

see your profile ... could you turn to the side Mr Brittas?

Carole, I'm a very busy man.

I don't have time to turn me head to one side!

Cockroach Mr Brittas. SCREAM

Oh it's true!

It's not true there is no cockroach Carole,

this is a cockroach free zone, you're seeing things again.

It's a nightmare, it's the end of the world.

It's just stupid newspaper talk cos of the millenium.

Cockroaches taking over, global warming, sea levels rising.

It would take a pretty high tide to reach here Carole.

How am I going to live with myself?

Carole you don't have to live with yourself,

you've got Ben and just look at those lovely twins,

their father must be a very proud man, whoever he is.

Heads I marry him, tails I don't...

...Best of three.

Heads I marry him, tails I don't...

Best of five

Julie!

I'm busy, I'm planning my life.

Come in here with your notepad and pencil please.

What now?

Right Julie take a note please.

I'm afraid Carole is having some sort of nervous collapse,

she's to have counselling sessions with Mrs Brittas.

Isn't that a bit like taking coals to Newcastle?!

Deduct it from her wages please.

Right Julie! What is today?

The 22nd Julie. It is seven years to the day since we opened

this centre and I took the reins of

what has become a leading player in the leisure centre industry.

Julie!

See those two flies on the window? If the one on the right

gets to the top first, I'll marry him.

Julie ...

Oh he's buzzed off I'll take that as a no! What?

Look you've spent weeks trying to make up your mind Julie,

why don't you just marry the man?

How can I marry a man I can't stand?

Treat it as a challenge Julie, many women do.

Lucky for you they do!

I was locking up and there they were all over the car park..

...gypsies!

So, I phoned Mr Brittas at home and he was in the middle of

making a kedgeree for some people who he'd got coming to

dinner, but he came straight round and he was amazing!

He just turned them out by sheer force of personality.

You mean he bored them to death until they left.

But then this old gypsy woman stepped forward,

like Mother Teresa with a moustache,

she pointed two fingers at him like that

Oh please!

She put a curse on him. The guest who eats food from your

hand shall die like a dog in a ditch.

The guest who eats food from ...

hey, what if he eats a sandwich he made himself?

There's every chance he'll die like a dog in a ditch.

I like it!

I don't believe in curses of course!

Morning all or should I say Happy Birthday.

In you come Julie!

Da, da!

Congratulations to us all on seven glorious years here at

Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre. It is seven years to the day

since the first member of public came through

those hallowed portals.

And you threw him out Mr Brittas.

He was wearing unauthorised water wings Gavin!

Attention to detail is my middle name. Come on Linda,

blow the candles out please.

Right now, make a wish.

I wish ...

You wish we could all work here forever as a happy team,

quite right Linda. Right now, slice of cake anyone?

Oh lovely!

Right, let me hand it to you personally!

-What? -I made it myself!

- You made it? - I did, be my guest.

Guest! Well perhaps not, got a tummy upset actually Mr Brittas.

Linda, come on made with my own fair hand.

Could I have mine later, I had a big breakfast.

Anyone would think it was poisonous. Tim?

Erm, I'm allergic... to candles!

I'll have a slice.

But you're slimming Julie.

I am not, I lost weight having the baby!

EXPLOSION

What was that?

What's that smell!

I'm sorry I'm late Mr Brittas.

Don't worry about the explosions

I discovered a nasty build up of methane gas in the stench pipe.

But I've been down there, rigged up a pilot light

and there will controlled detonations throughout the day.

Well Colin, just this once, top management approves your action.

Thank you very much Mr Brittas.

I've also taken the precaution of putting these little birds

around the place, to test for foul air.

We're celebrating seven years of Whitbury, we're having cake.

Thank you very much Mr Brittas.

Don't touch it! Not in those gloves I mean.

Point taken Linda ...I'll take it and put it in my pocket and I'll

enjoy it later after I've thrown out the main sludge build up.

Well I must say, I'm a bit disappointed

as any cook would be... nobody having my cake.

Mr Brittas, you're eating cake.

That's right Linda. Never seen a man eating cake before?

What you all staring at?

Naaah .....

you've been telling them about the gypsy curse haven't you?

Erm, we don't believe it Mr Brittas.

You were worried I was going die, well I haven't.

It's early days yet Mr Brittas!

The question I've always wanted to know the answer to is...

why did I say yes to going out with Gordon in the first place?

You're a yes sort of person, you're the sort of person that

say's yes! You always will be.