Cowgirls vs. Pterodactyls

The time was 1864.

The place: The Wild West

An unbridled age of heroes and villains.

Sheriffs and outlaws.

A land overflowing with water, game, timber

...and creatures from a bygone and forgotten age of history.

Even now, modern scholars refuse to accept the

possibility that these events actually occurred.

But they did.

For an entire year the Wild West

was terrorized by these flying devils from Hell.

The creatures attacked furiously and without motive.

They showed no signs of weakness and it was finally proclaimed

that they were invulnerable.

They were indeed pterodactyls.

Creatures that no man could stop.

Our story begins on a dark and stormy night

in the rustic town of Kirksey, Texas

home to the Debbie Dukes Bordello.

So, I could do my sword trick for you...

I'm looking for the man they call: "The Outlaw"

They call me...

"The Outlaw".

Take a seat, partner.

Well, I better be hittin' the ol' dusty trail...

Hold on, partner!

You're among friends... have a seat.

I mean...

SIT. DOWN.

You got 'em?

I traveled more than 600 miles over the Chisos and Chinte Mountains...

...ahead of all them Mescal, Comanche, and Apache for four months.

Oh, yeah. I got 'em.

Oh, they're beautiful.

That they are. That they are.

I'll tell you what: It took a whole helluva lot to get 'em here.

They said you'd be the man for the job.

I can count on one hand the fellas that coulda pulled this off.

And I'm counting on you to take that into consideration

in FULL payment.

I reckon you'll get what's coming to you.

I'm okay!

They shot each other!

Do you think so?

Excuse me... excuse me, Miss Parker?

You're Bunny Parker, aren't you? The famous sharpshooter?

I was there the day you shot that outlaw: Vincent de Molay.

Vinny de Mole.

That's the one. You're a legend! A household name!

Is that all?

Oh, no. You're much more. So much more.

What do you want?

I just wanted to meet you.

Well, you met me. Now go away.

Something else?

Well, the truth is ma'am:

Word around town is that uh... you know...

What?

Well, I really don't know how to say it...

Say what?

Well, ma'am...

Is that right?

Is that what you heard I do?

Is it true?

Come here.

I'll show ya.

AUURGGHH!

Is that what you wanted?! Is that what you heard I do?!

You crazy witch! I'll tell the sheriff!

Eh, blow it out your ass!

Huh! Bunny Parker.

Yeah, Bunny Parker...

I was there the day she shot Vinny de Mole and saved the town...

...changed my life.

I hear she's living over in Kirskey now.

Kirksey?

I'd love to go and thank her.

Thank her? For what?

For inspiring me and many other girls like me.

She's a great role model.

A role model?

What's so funny?

She's a drunk now.

I'm being serious.

I am too. She's a drunk.

Now, Miss Crawford, you wanted to see me?

I believe it's about Little Jimmy?

-Yes. I don't know how to put this but he's been having a little difficulty in class.

I'll tell you what Miss Crawford: Jimmy was never the sharpest tool in the shed.

But, he's going to be a rancher - he doesn't need to be a genius.

Now, is there anything else? I'm a busy man.

Well, actually, yes if you have a moment, sir.

His behavior has been a little unruly.

Unruly, well... (laughs)

I'm afraid so.

Well, my mama always told me, "Spare the rod and spoil the child."

She'd say it as she was whacking me.

So, what you should do Miss Crawford is use your switch

or whatever you have whenever he gets out of line.

Hello Doris!

You'll never guess where I was.

I was down at the schoolhouse - teacher wanted to talk to me about Little Jimmy.

I told her, "Miss Crawford, you expect me to do your job AND mine?"

How can I do that? How can I split myself in two and be at the school

taking care of Jimmy and be here?

Truth of the matter is...

Doris, I'd rather be with you.

I love watching you. Making sure you're comfy.

Making sure you're nice and warm in there.

Look at this:

"Doris Yates."

Bank robbery, arson...

Public nudity...

and mopery.

I had to look that up! You know what mopery is?

It's exposing yourself to a blind person!

Weeeyooo!

That's nuts!

You are something else, Doris.

I'd like to see if you were still so brave if these bars weren't between us.

Oh, I think I would.

I think if we tangled, Doris, I'd come out on top.

So what's a girl gotta do to get some water around here?

Oh, I understand. You're thirsty?

Water would be nice.

I'd give you some but...

We all out.

Make one more move and it will be your last.

Drop it!

Hands behind your head.

Would you have any interest in an arrangement that...

Not on your life! Go. Move.

Stand where I can see you.

Now: Take off your clothes.

What?

Did I studder? Take off your clothes.

Do you even know how to use one of those things?

Shut up!

Now...

I'm going to...

It's not even loaded.

You know, one of these days you're gunna have to use one of these things!

I'm a teacher, not a gunslinger!

Settle down, ladies! Settle down!

Hey! Settle down!

Profits are way down this year

and we need a gimmick to start bringing people back in.

I'm open to suggestions... anybody have anything?

What about a horse-wash?

That sounds complicated.

What if we came to work dressed like animals?

Sascha here can dress like a porcupine...

I don't think anyone finds porcupines sexy!

That's just you: You're a furry!

We could sell tickets to my sword trick!

Are you being intentionally slow?

Men like biscuits.

I make biscuit.

What kinda biscuit? Because that could be multiple things.

What about these?

What the hell are these?

I don't know. I found this bag on the floor the other day.

Maybe it will be a good way to bring people in.

Huh!

Hmm...

The hell?

What the hell are you doing?

What time's dinner?

When I'm hungry!

I'll let you know.

Did you hear that noise?

Hello?

Anybody out here?

Hello?

What was that?