Palm Royale

Just tell me if you're good.

I'm fine. I'm so good...

- Okay. - ...at real estate.

- What? - Uh, look, listen.

Just... the less you say, the better.

- I know that. -

You again?

Me again.

You would think the US government would be smarter

than to entrust the interrogation of a would-be assassin

to Palm Beach's head meter maid.

Special Agent trainee now.

I guess framing upstart heiresses comes with certain career advantages.

Did you attempt to assassinate President Richard Nixon?

I tried to do the opposite, and it landed me here.

Because I looked the part.

Am I a woman? Guilty.

Am I a radical woman? Guilty.

If you wanna charge me for those things, have at it.

I'm guilty of all of it.

You feel better?

She just went on and on. Didn't get anything usable.

We'll be the judge of that.

God and country are in your debt.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming

with a bombshell report out of Florida,

where Linda Shaw, the prime suspect

in the assassination attempt on President Nixon,

turned her interrogation into a manifesto.

When asked directly about her role in the attempt on the president's life,

here's what she had to say.

- I'm guilty of all of it. -

We'll bring you more of this developing story,

but for now please enjoy Petticoat Junction already in progress.

In Palm Beach, the real battles are fought in the off-season.

Battle plans are hatched.

Alliances are forged.

Coups and counter-coups abound.

- It's modern, Perry. - Hmm.

Axel was very forward-thinking.

Wow.

And now we're the forward ones.

Power is consolidated.

And it was high time to reclaim mine.

- Put it down, John Henry. -

Well, then I just wanna plunge this rusty pike straight into Douglas.

Now don't make me regret signing you out of the booby hatch.

I'm not going to hurt you. I'm your conservator.

And it's in your best interest to hand the weapon to me.

- Just take it. -

I'm having such awful thoughts, Evelyn.

Awful. Lots of them.

Maxine, have you learned nothing?

In Palm Beach, we swallow our rage.

I can't, Evelyn. It's too big. I'll choke on it.

Darling, that's what quaaludes and vodka are for.

Come with me.

It's time we start planning your exile.

That's how we do it here.

Women in your situation disappear for a season.

Disappear, meaning?

Go abroad.

Take the waters in Baden-Baden.

As your conservator, I give you permission to travel to Tuscany

and eat a tomato that changes your life.

Or if travel is beyond your mental capacity,

you can always hole up in the disgraced socialite apartment

- on the top floor of the Palm Royale. - Hole up?

Either way, after nine months, you reappear with a new face

or a new husband after next season's scandals have eclipsed your own.

How about Douglas travels somewhere and tries a tomato,

and I stay here with you?

Keep up the crazy talk, Maxine. I'll march you right back to the bin.

Happens to be where I'm going now anyway.

Going to see Linda. Poor thing.

Charged with a crime she didn't commit.

Yes. What a terrible tragedy.

It's a whole mess.

If we could just find Mary, all this would go away.

That's what I'm afraid of.

All of this would just go away.

Free Linda now! Free Linda now! Free Linda now!

A litany of Lindas.

Hello.

That's strange.

Free Linda now! Free Linda now!

Oh. Sorry.

Rita.

What in the heck is going on around here?

Isn't it obvious?

No, not to me.

All I see is a bunch of bad wigs and corduroy and...

If they can do this to Linda, they can do it to any of us.

We're all Linda now.

- -

- Hey, Kevin. -

Maxine!

Oh!

I can't believe it. Oh, thank God one of us is free.

- Oh, honey. -

- Thanks, Kevin. - All right, then.

Sweet.

He's so nice.

He lingers. Yeah.

Oh, dear.

Oh, Linda. I cannot believe that you have been framed.

It is awful. It is palpably, inconceivably awful.

All the great martyrs of the world have been framed.

Think of it. Joan of Arc, Galileo, Jesus himself.

- Oh. - I'm not comparing, obviously.

Just saying it's okay.

Do you need anything?

Clean clothes? Moisturizer?

The revolution will not be moisturized, Maxine.

I would argue that a good skincare regime

can cross all political divides.

You hear that?

Hear that sound?

That sound is the sound of centuries of oppression

rising up in a single voice to say, "We know injustice when we see it."

- - Tha...

And... Well, it's dying down.

- Oh. - But... Well, I can't really hear them now.

Did they... Did they go on a lunch break?

Maybe they're just having a little snack.

But...

- Oh. There it is. -

See? It's-It's all... it's all working out.

Oh, Linda.

Stop worrying, okay?

I-I'm gonna get you out of here if it's the last thing I do.

But you know, there's a lot of press out there.

- And that's good. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, and Kevin told me that Joan Baez is coming to sing later,

which is pretty groovy.

I'm not familiar, but that's wonderful.

- You'll see. - Hmm.

And they'll see what one small voice from a padded cell

next to a morgue in the basement of an insane asylum can do.

Wow.

Bravo, Linda.

- See? - That was beautiful.

I just wanna make sure that you fully fathom

the fact that you have pled guilty

to trying to kill the president of these United States.

Maxine, they're gonna kill me, right?

God. Oh, my God. They're gonna use the electric chair.

And that just feels so not me.

- - No. Don't you worry.

I'm gonna find that fugitive, Mary Davidsoul, and exonerate you.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die.

Just leave every little tiny thing to me.

I'm listening.

The Rolodex.

Not Norma's Rolodex.

- I burned that. - No, no. I kn... I know you burned it.

But I also know you've got all that dirt

on all those high-level government officials locked up here.

Write it down.

Look, if we don't produce Mary in the next 24 hours,

we'll-we'll threaten to release this little dossier to the press.

Yeah, all those government officials. About to get you out of here.

So, they're trying to frame me, and we'll frame them right back?

- Exactly. Oh! - Maxine, you're a genius.

- - Get to writing.

Okay, okay.

You're right. I can never forget some of this.

- Him? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, my.

Shiny Sheet, please hold.

How can I help you?

I would like to take out a full-page advertisement in the paper,

offering $75,000 to anyone who has information

leading to the capture of fugitive Mary Davidsoul.

No questions asked.

Don't waste your money, Maxine. Mary's long gone.

Evelyn, what in blazes?

I am here to demand an immediate retraction

of this scandalous so-called "blind item."

"Guess which long-in-the-tooth recently widowed socialite

was seen out and about with her boy-toy tennis pro"?

That's her.

- That's you. - Ding, ding, ding-a-ling.

I'm gonna need a full retraction of this salacious claptrap.

You're welcome to wait for Miss Holiday. She should be in shortly.

Absolutely not. I have to be at City Hall at 3:00 on the dot.

- Let me see what I can do. - Thank you.

What about my advertisement? That was $75,000.

That's an awful lot of cash, Maxine.

How are you planning to get your hands on that kind of money?

Uh, well, as of 12:00 noon today,

uh, Linda has made me the official conservator of the Rollins estate.

You're the conservator of me?

Well... you're the conservator of me.

But, like, yes, I'm in charge of the money.

But you're in charge of me.

So you're in charge of your money. It's just through me.

Oh, no.

Fuck!

I will never do anything nice for anyone ever again.