Selfie

Social media can be confusing if you're super old and dumb.

Why did you just favorite that tweet? She called you ugly.

Because she's a hater.

I love my haters. They make me famous.

- You're not famous. - I am in the Twitterverse.

I see. And your favorite thing

is when people insult your looks?

Well, it's not my favorite thing.

Yet, you're favorited it.

Favoriting an insult is a way of showing it doesn't hurt you.

But it should hurt you.

And maybe if I was still ugly, it would.

Having haters online means that you made it.

Okay, but having haters in real life means that people hate you.

I'm sorry, but did you see what she was wearing?

I have cotton briefs that cover more.

I can't believe H.R. hasn't cited her

for inappropriate office attire.

Please... she's probably slept with everyone in H.R.

How do you think she got to be the number-one sales rep?

You're killing me!

Can't be that funny.

It's like, "hey, there, sweet potato. I'm on to you.

"You're not a French fry,

stop showing up with my burger."

You're hilarious. You should be president.

Eliza, may I speak with you for a moment in my office?

- Charlie, hold my calls. - Uh, no one called.

Good. Let's keep it that way.

I can't control who calls the office.

Charlie, I beg.

Okay.

Okay.

What do you think you were doing out there

with that guy from business affairs?

Guys like it when you laugh at their jokes

and make them feel powerful.

President... like that guy could be president.

You're right. Oh, God, you're so smart.

You know, you should be on the supreme court.

Well, I do consider myself fair and impart...

That is not gonna work on me.

And while we're at it, do you think that these tight tights

and those short shorts and those high high heels

are appropriate office attire?

You sound like Joan and the fuggalos.

Eliza, this isn't the Twitterverse.

You have to think about how you are perceived in this office.

No, I have to think about how I'm perceived

outside this office, which is hot,

which is what helps me sell drugs to repressed, old doctors,

which is how I got to be the number-one sales rep.

Well, people are gonna get the wrong impression.

When you dress like this and you act like this...

People are gonna assume

that you're sleeping with president sweet potato.

I am sleeping with him.

I sleep with him all the time.

- Since when? - Let me check.

Oh, here.

First text from Freddy... "You are hotter

than the bottom of my laptop"... 2 1/2 weeks ago.

2... 2 1/2 weeks ago, and you're already intimate?

"Intimate"?

Is that how old people say "sex"?

No. Yes.

Eliza, this is your second office relationship

in the short time that I've known you.

And I use the word "relationship" very loosely.

Okay, don't get all slut-shamey on me

just 'cause you don't get my generation.

It just so happens we're a lot more cas about sex

than you baby boomers.

I'm not a... I'm not a baby boomer.

Yes, you are.

I fall squarely within the parameters of generation "x,"

thank you very much.

But, Henry, this is one area

where I'm not sure you should be advising me...

I mean, you're so out of touch, you're not even on Facebook.

Hey, I'd rather be out of touch

than touching everything that walks.

See?

It hurts when girls don't laugh at your jokes.

Eliza, you... you asked me

to help you cultivate meaningful relationships.

Is that what you think you're doing with Freddy?

Could be.

Do you two ever make advance plans?

Kind of.

_

Have you and Freddy ever been on an actual date?

Basically.

_

Come on, Eliza.

Have you and Freddy even been outside together?

For the most part.

Does his wraparound terrace count?

I hate to break it to you, but I'm gonna.

You are what Jamie Foxx and other men of my generation

refer to as a Booty call.

And if your behavior persists,

that is all you will ever be.

Whatevs.

If I wanted more, there could totally be more.

But the truth is, I wasn't so sure,

so I decided to feel Freddy out

after he was done feeling me up.

Welcome.

Hey, uh, what do you think of our relation thingy?

I think it's awesome.

How many favorites my "sweet potato" tweet got?

Six.

But seriously, would you ever want to, like,

go outside... With me?

Hmm. Never really thought about it.

Guess I, uh, kind of like what we have inside.

Hey.

Want to take an after-sex pic?

Sure.

Eardrops.

Hear-drops. No more teardrops with eardrops.

Don't fear drops.

The ear pops. The pain stops.

Sir? Uh, my parents are in town.

Charlie, it's back to square one now.

I don't hear my voice... I only hear your voice.

Should we just these "my parents are in town" drops?

Does that sound like a good name?

Just kidding. You can go now.

But you really did ruin my train of thought.

Okay.

Eardrops.

F...

What are you still doing here?

Here? Work. I'm working.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, we are pre-partying down in the lab.

You coming tonight?

It's Sharon from I.T.'S birthday.

Oh. Uh, no, I got work to do...

Plus, uh, I don't really know Sharon, so I wasn't invited.

Nobody knows Sharon.

She's just an idea.

I'm sorry. I am really drunk.

Um, everybody knows Sharon,

and she sent out a Facebook invite.

- Oh. I'm not on Facebook. - Wait.

How do you know who from high school's gotten ugly?

You're just walking around, not knowing who's ugly?

I-I have my suspicions.

Uh...

Henry's not on Facebook. You know that?

- What?! - I'm on... I'm on Linkedin!

Did you tell them I'm on Linkedin?

- Oh, don't make it worse. - No.

- Uh, no. - I have a Linkedin profi...

All right. Fine.

Let's see who got ugly.

Wow.

Smelly Terry from camp really turned it around.

Is that his wife?

My God! She looks like a boat-show model.

Maybe 'cause she's standing on a boat.

Mm. Smelly Terry has a boat.

Geez.

My first friend is my mom, just like in life.

Facebook... mildly entertaining, certainly not all-consuming.

Yes! I've always felt that.

Okay, you were right.

Freddy doesn't want to go outside with me.

He just likes what we have inside,

which means you and Jamie Foxx have a point.

Are you okay?

Mm. Yes. I was just up all night working...

Here at work, on work stuff.

Well, work on me.

Should I be trying

to get Freddy to take me more seriously or whatever?

I mean, I'm fine with the Booty-call status for now,

but at some point, I'm gonna want to be first lady, you know?

To president sweet potato?

Not necessarily.

I just want to know that I'm on the ballot.

First ladies aren't on the ballot.

Well, it's just an honor to be nominated.

Oh, God. If you're serious,

stop responding when he texts, "'sup?"

If he wants to know 'sup,

he can stop by your desk and form a full sentence.

Totes.

Ally.

No.

He needs to know 'sup.

No.

That was for my mom, I swear.

You have to break the cycle.

Freddy will never see you any differently

if you keep sexting and sucking on pens...

What are you doing sucking on that pen like that?