Red Dwarf

Today?

It's the big one, sir.

What, I'm thirty?

- (CHUCKLES) - Forty?

What am I doing? I don't want to know!

Don't want to know. Brain, I'm not listening.

La la la la la la la. (MIMICS SINGING)

The years pass, but with them comes

the soothing balm of new found grace and maturity.

Now eat up because it's time for your present.

I don't need a present, Krytes. I've got everything I need.

Sir, you've got nothing.

No life, no partner, no future. You're so easy to shop for.

- (GROANS) - (CAT SCREAMING IN TUNE)

Hey bud, answer me this,

am I actually getting more good-looking?

'Cause, yesterday, I was looking at myself in the mirror

and the next thing you know, it's today.

Hey, are you even listening to me?

- (GASPING) Chest. Chest. - Huh?

You wanna play chess?

But we're missing half the pieces,

and even the pieces we've got, aren't all there.

And as for that horsey one. Where the hell are his legs?

Okay, what is wrong with you today? Why are you acting so crazy.

Mmm.

It's your birthday and you have a heart attack.

It could only happen to you. It's hilarious.

- You realize now, you'll have to retire. - Retire?

You'll have to take it easy, stop work.

You'll probably spend most of your days sitting in the sleeping quarters,

watching TV, having your meals delivered to you on a tray. No, wait.

You're really loving this, aren't you?

I will be in a minute when KRYTEN comes in and takes your temperature

with a rectal thermometer.

And as it's your birthday,

here's hoping he puts a candle on the end and asks you to blow it out.

Good news, sir.

Why, even more good news, what this time?

Mr Lister's heart is tickety-boo.

Apparently, it was a severe indigestion attack.

I'm not sure what could have caused that.

So, can I leave after I've finished this?

Well. The MC says you're no longer a medical emergency,

but as a precaution, I'd like to insert a monitoring chip into your bloodstream.

- (BEEP) - (AIR HISSING)

What does it do exactly?

Why don't you ask it yourself.

- (BEEPING) - (WHIRRING)

(ELECTRONIC VOICE) Hello, Dave.

I'm Chippy, your health-monitoring mate.

I'm currently travelling through your body collecting medi-data.

Right now I 'm in your heart,

trying to get down one of your arteries.

A bit of a squeeze.

- That was tight. - Is everything okay?

Well, if I'm honest, I've been better,

my battery's not what it was.

I was talking about me.

Oh, I see.

Well, Dave, some of your arteries have more fur than an Eskimo clothes shop,

but diet and exercise can fix all that.

I can also monitor your improvement by giving you daily updates

of when you're likely to die.

Would you like to know that, Dave?

Yes, please, man.

You'll be 63, Dave.

Rimmer! I didn't want to know that!

Actually, I think I am getting chest pains now.

You are getting chest pains, Dave.

Yeah, it's the stress of listening to you telling me when I'm gonna die!

I'll run some tests.

I 'm sure there's no cause of... Oh, dear.

Oh, dear what?

- (BEEPING) - (WARNING ALARM SOUNDING)

Dave, please remain calm,

but you have a giant arterial blockage in your left coronary artery.

The stress of hearing you're going to die has caused you to die.

Smegging hell. I'm gonna die.

Now, please call emergency services.

On second thoughts, best not waste their time.

As I'm afraid you're going to die right now, Dave.

Three, two, one.

- (CHIPPY EXPLODES) - (POWERING DOWN)

What the smeg happened there?

It appears Chippy mixed up your death with its own.

Why?

Request permission to carry out a full investigation, sir.

Permission granted.

It seems the corrupted files were caused

because Chippy was running off old software.

- How come? - For several years now,

the system updates

haven't been automatically installing.

Why didn't it show up on any of the consoles?

- A broken connection? - Or maybe, someone unplugged something

and used them for his heated curling tongs?

And there was a voice that said,

"Do not unplug, software updates will not be installed."

And this dude had to make a choice between his hair and the updates.

And he chose his hair.

Maybe?

- You did that? - You've been spying on me?

KRYTEN, get the updates installed.

Let's see what we've been missing out on.

M-Corp?

Your company has been bought by M-Corp.

You probably have a lot of questions.

Who is M-Corp? What do we do?

Let's find out together.

M-Corp is the biggest multinational conglomerate in known space.

We lead, we innovate using our patented M-Corp port technology.

Your ship will now be stocked with a variety of M-Corp products

to elevate your lifestyle in space.

M-Corp. We love looking after you.

Computers!

TVs.

Microwaves.

KRYTEN, give me a hand to take some of this stuff up to the Science Room.

Hey, look.

They even do lager!

Wow! Look at this.

6.5% ABV. Aromatic barrel-aged

- with hints of honey and citrus. - Hmm.

I'll put these bad boys in the fridge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, it's empty. Where's the Leopard Lager?

They're in there. Can't you see 'em?

Erm, no!

No?

Are you blind?

What's this?

- What's what? - This.

Is this a wind up? You're not holding anything.

Well, if I'm not holding a can of beer,

no beer will come out when I shake it and pull the ring pull, right?

- Right. - (BOTH MIMICKING GROANS)

- Okay - (CAN OPENS)

Huh? Huh?

What the smeg is going on?

Tasty.

I can see M-Corp beer

but I can't see any other kinds of beer.

For instance, I can see this. But I can't see this.

With your permission, sir, I'd like to conduct some tests.

- Can you see this? - Yes.

And can you see this?

- No. - Extraordinary.

- Can you see this? - Yes.

- And finally, can you see this? - (VIBRATING)

No.

I'm just praying that's an electric toothbrush.

- It's much as I feared, sir. - What?

Something really weird is going on.

Well, obviously, KRYTEN, but what?

It appears the M-Corp upgrade

has installed some sort of perception filter software

and you're the only one affected.

We can fix this, right?

- I do have one small fear, sir. - What?

- Well, several small fears. - What?

In fact, more than several fears and they're not that small.

What?

For now, let's restrict it to the largest.

Which is what!

Due to the M-Corp perception software,

all non-M-Corp products will become invisible to you.

Right.

So what's the most important thing on board that's not M-Corp?

Well, can I be frank?

Of course, just get on with it.

The most important thing on board that's not M-Corp is me, sir.

Diva Droid International aren't owned by M-Corp.

M-Corp make droids, too?

Droids, space craft, light bees for holograms, you name it.

- That doesn't include me does it? - Well, I'm afraid it does, sir.

But you just said the most important thing on board

that was affected by this was you.

You said I could be frank, sir.

How on earth can you be more important than me?

I can't hear him. I can't hear Rimmer.

And you're complaining?

Wait, Cat, say something else.

It appears the perception filter software's kicking in, sir.

And now I'm the only... (INAUDIBLE)

I can't hear you either now, KRYTEN. What do I do? How do I fix this?

Rimmer's become invisible.

So has Cat.

I can't hear you, Krytes.

Skip the sirs, get straight to the point.

- (INAUDIBLE) - You think?

At some point in the future...

you'll become invisible, too.

You think I don't know that.

M-Corp. We love looking after you.