Scrubs

What? I didn't say anything. I didn't do anything.

What imaginary slight have you concocted in that paranoid brain of yours?

Crap.

Shouldn't there be some sort of sign...

Look at that. You should put it back down before someone slips and falls.

Good, because I make most decisions

based on your opinion. I'm thinking of splitting up with the wife.

Maybe you could mull that over. Get back to me.

Floor's wet, ma'am.

Little help over here. Little help.

Move it or lose it, Q-tip.

Q-tip. Cos you're skinny and your head's fuzzy.

Something's going down.

Bring it in here, you knuckleheads. Take a knee if you need to.

I have been on since midnight, so I stand here

with my usual contempt for all of you,

but with the added wrinkle of having 13 cups

of piss-poor excuse for coffee passing straight through me.

The not-so-hidden message being, that if you screw up today,

I'm going to hit you hard and fast.

Now, then, I think some of you may have noticed

that all 27 of the patients that were here in the ICU

when I started last night are still alive,

and I intend for them to still be breathing

when I get the hell outta here tonight at midnight.

I think you understand what kind of opportunity we have in front of us.

- What opportunity... - Shut up!

In baseball, when a pitcher's hot,

no one talks to him, just stay out of his way.

- Why are you talking about baseball? - Cos you should never jinx a pitcher

when he has a chance to throw a perfect game. My God, Barbie,

how do you put your bra and panties on in the morning,

all by yourself? It's remarkable.

- See, cos he's the pitcher... - Yeah, I get it now.

A chance to be part of a perfect game

is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It just never happens.

Which is why I don't mind Dr Cox paging me

for the 13th time this last hour.

ICU is where the most critical cases get turfed.

So many patients die here, you think of death as another co-worker,

looking over your shoulder with the same demands as everyone else you work with.

Dr Dorian...

I know you're busy, but my daughter's selling cookies.

Put me down for two boxes of mint thingies.

She's in second place in her troop.

If that girl who's in first keeps doing well, we're just gonna take her.

Did you think you were gonna cash it in?

In your face. You're fine, thank you.

Barbie.

Whatever you need, I'm your girl.

Get me 30 grams of Kayexalate.

Don't dilly-dally trying to refill your Prozac.

You're on my time now. Go.

Nervous guy. Go to bed 18 and get me his tox screen.

Cross your fingers the news is good. If it's not, I'm blaming you.

Newbie, start a drain on the purulent pericarditis in bed 23.

He's a tricky bastard. He's tried to die five times on me today.

- Keep an eye on him. - I'm your wingman, Maverick.

I was watching Top Gun.

Did you know that Goose is the guy from ER?

No, I didn't. But, but please, keep talking.

You have to keep an eye on things around here,

cos just when it seems everything's going great,

that's when the tiniest thing can throw it all outta whack.

What are you doing? When the lunch lady asked if you wanted fries, you said no.

- Yeah, but I wanted fries. - So why didn't you order fries?

Cos I can't have French fries. Duh.

Here. Have 'em all. Have a fry salad.

What the...? Turk?

Baby, come on.

Girlfriend, you know I cannot have French fries.

Dr Dorian, I need a favour.

- I'm crazy busy today. - That's just fine, kiddo.

I won't make the board meeting today.

I'm going to be tied up at Dr Dorian's pity party.

Should I bring something? I could rent a clown.

A drunk clown hurt me once.

Just listen to the damn lawyer. Go, Tom.

It's Ted. But hey, it's only been 12 years.

One of the social workers

that covers this hospital slipped and knocked herself unconscious.

She might turn around and sue us.

If that happens, some of the higher-ups' heads could roll.

The point is that people are less likely to sue an institution

if we can put a friendly face on it. You've got a friendly face.

But, sir, I...

Sacred Heart is calling for your help.

Will you accept the call?

This is a special phone. If you don't answer it, you get to be the intern

who does the physicals over at the state prison!

Hello?

- How are you? I'm Dr Dorian. - Alex Hanson.

Nice to meet you.

Firm handshake. I like that.

Hello.

Mr Davis, I haven't seen you in three months. It's gotta be a record for you.

Ignore the dislocated shoulder and make small talk.

This ought to help with the pain.

So... what'd you do?

Some woman just pushed me off the bus. It was totally unprovoked.

Mr Davis.

I may have told her that she smelled like wet ass.

There you go. Be proud of who you are.

- You wear too much mascara. - You be careful now.

- Hey. - What are you doing here?

Covering for...

Whatever. 36-year-old male, possible dislocated shoulder.

Great.

So, how are you doing?

It just got so cold in here.

I think the swelling may have gone down.

Yeah, I hope that hurts.

- Oh, no. - Is this the tox screen?

This does not bode well for you.

Get the results of Mr Chervin's urinalysis. If the numbers aren't good,

I'm gonna give one of your kidneys to him.

Ten bucks says I can make him wet himself.

- Everybody's afraid of Mr Man. - Laverne, you give good sass.

I got the Kayexalate and pulled the X-rays,

so I am yours. Do whatever you want with me.

That came out wrong.

I want you to use me. I don't care how degrading it is.

No, no...

I know that you like torturing people, and I am up for that.

- I wanna make you happy. - Marshmallow, hush.

This guy needs a lumbar puncture, and I need an extra set of hands.

- Ready and raring. - Ginger, get the lead out.

Excuse me.

- It puts the lotion on the skin. - You can do movies and I can't?

It puts the damn iodine lotion on the skin.

Mr Man!

Dr Dorian, I owe you an apology.

Obviously, I was unclear when I said,

''Stay in the MRI room with that patient.''

It must have sounded like, ''Leave and do other things.''

Let me rephrase it so there'll be no more confusion:

Get your ass back down there!

You have no idea how loud that is in here!

I'm sorry. You'll be done in a second.

Was that a good sound?

- Not that good a sound. - Is it stuck?

''Stuck'' is a literal term. It's more like ''not moving''.

- Pull me outta here! - I can't. You were unconscious.

You could have an injury. Be glad you're not claustrophobic.

- Promise you won't leave me. - I promise.

Dr Cox must have my pager on speed dial. He's completely on top of me today.

Do you know how much I wish he was on top of me?

That's naughty.

You make me so mad, I might actually scream.

Every day you bitch about how hard Dr Cox is on you,

and you don't even realise that you're his go-to guy.

- You're overreacting... - What has he had you do today?

He had me intubate and extubate Mrs Pollard,

float a Swan on Mr Kalka, a paracentesis, a radial art line,

then place a transvenous pacemaker for a heart block.

Why? What did you do?

Cream, no sugar.

He takes his sugar, no cream.

My arm is breaking!

OK. It's not going in.

Really? Why don't we try kicking it?

- I'll talk to one of our orthopaedics. - Hurry back.

That guy is the worst.

Be nice. He's my boyfriend.