Love, Sex and Pandemic (Miłość, Seks & Pandemia)

- This is Bartek, my cousin. - Hello.

He's a son of Jehovah's Witnesses.

He's 24, and has never seen naked tits. Drink.

Please, wait, Bartek. Nora can help you with that.

Look at that beautiful MILF.

Excuse me... how old are you?

- Bartek... - 43.

So you're almost twice my age.

Is it some deviance?

There he is.

- Who? - A fuckboy from Tinder.

Yet another Melvin?

- No, it's number one. - What does it mean?

There's one scale. Either you fuck or not - one, zero. I fuck.

KAJA

You're the hottest chick I've ever seen.

You're saying that to get laid?

And you're smart as well.

It tumed out...

the guy's into BDSM.

He took me to a hotel room, and made me wear a mask and leather clothes.

He stormed in, threw me against the wall, and started fucking me in the ass.

Then, he tore the mask off me,

put a leash on my neck, and pissed on the floor.

He rolled me in it, and dragged me to the bathroom.

There, he was drowning me in the sink.

And when I was washing his jizz off my face, I suddenly heard the door slam.

I went back into the room,

and noticed the fucker had stolen my phone.

I can't listen to that.

Goodnight.

I need to get fucking wasted.

Hey!

- Whisky. - Chest out.

Don't slouch, dude.

Remember Johnny's words? Every second of hesitation is a step away from success.

- Is it some fucking school of seduction? - Yes.

- Just don't talk to her. - Oh, no.

Talk to me.

How does it work?

We're still learning. At Johnny's course.

Johnny has fucked 948 chicks.

948...

Which one's Johnny?

I'll write an article about a seduction guru. Will Chief approve it?

- It's his 50th birthday. - And?

His family forgot about it. Tell him something nice.

Happy birthday to you!

To whom? To Slawek!

Blow. Let me take you out to lunch.

- Let's go back to the office. - I have a better idea.

Let's go to my place.

Seriously?

How often do you get to have birthday?

Wait here, I'll be back in a moment. I'll go get ready.

Happy Birthday to you...

If you fire me now, people will think we've been having an affair.

- Will you let me write that story? - I've seen Johnny.

- I'll write that. - Okay, will you fuck him?

- No, because he's straight. But I can. - How come?

I'll do a little role play. I'll be his number 949!

You'll sleep with a guy just to write a story?

What does it matter? One more, one less.

I don't know, Kaja. It's banal.

Why don't you fuck him, then?

Can't you see it's lame. Be the first one he can't get it up with.

Write a story about a seduction guru turned limp dick.

BARTŁOMIEJ

Why aren't you in bed, yet?

- They're too noisy. - Shut the window, son.

Go to bed, son.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, ma'am...

Excuse me.

Excuse my imposing but...

but would you care...

for a dance?

Fuck off.

Each passing second takes you away from success.

Excuse me?

Wanna pick up a girl?

Don't think - act.

Go and get her.

Chicks love self-confident guys.

Sign up for my seduction training.

Johnny. You can read about me on the net.

Turn it off.

- Where am I? - 4 Kolska Street, a drunk tank.

Your hotel stay is over.

- Is this a hotel? - 299 zlotys,

breakfast not included. Shall we go eat something?

This is Wojtek, we were doing a show together.

I played a farmer last night.

I'm a son of Jehovah's Witnesses. I am 24,

and have never seen a naked woman.

- You're about to see one. - But I'm too shy.

Come, I'll show you something.

Come.

Come, I said.

- Hi, is your name Google? - Why?

You have everything I'm looking for. I'm Kuba.

- Nice chest. - I come from a family of warriors.

Really?

- My great grandfather fought in the Barbarian war. - Where?

In Poland in 1740. There was a 100-year war.

We were invaded by Barbarians on elephants.

That's why we say "a hundred years behind the Barbarians".

Listen, sweetie, my homie here is dying of cancer.

He's 24, and he has never seen a naked woman before.

You have a chance to be the first and last girl in his life,

and to remain in his mind as such forever.

- Would you show him your pussy? - Okay, but here?

Since we've got the pleasantries out of the way.

- Since he's dying... - Get down, Bart.

- Will you give him a blowjob? - Here?

I've got to go.

All five of them...

sitting here...

have an alcoholic brother.

- How are they supposed to get married? - I'm sorry.

Say that to Jehovah.

If He forgives you,

so shall I.

And for now....

get out of my house.

I've nowhere to stay.

But...

- I have no money. - You'll pay in kind.

- Are you gay? - Quite the opposite I'm a stripper.

I have a "Chippendales" ensemble. My buddy's left it,

so you'll fill in for him.

How?

OLGA

And now, when it's in your mouth, swallow it.

Look who's talking?

- What was that? - It was...

Forget about it.

- Who does she take after more? - You don't know him.

- Why would you say that? - Your chauvinism pisses me off.

- Have you washed the dishes? - No. - It won't get done by itself.

We, the modern feminists,

fight for something our mothers and daughters need...

Something the Judge needs.

I accuse the president of the supervisory board

of addressing my client as "Mrs. President".

You should call her "presidentette". It's a fucking huge problem.

Mrs. Prosecutor...

- We don't want Arabs in Poland! - Poland for Poles!

No to Arabs! No to refugees!

Off with the leftist ideology!

"The Cow - My Sister". The hardships of milk cows determined by their gender.

- It can be good. - Exactly. And it's in "Koneser".

"Too Far is Too Close" Baha Al-Hasam. A Poet and a Warrior.

In the "Vagabond" round the corner.

- "I am the fire and water... - No way.

- "A man and a woman of modern poetry". - I won't listen to any raghead!

Baha Al-Hasam.

Salam alaikum. Good evening.

Why do you toy with me?

With my white attire.

Why do you toy

with my papers...

sprinkled with ink.

I can't believe I'm here.

With my generous

melancholy...

I can't listen to that bullshit.

Listen to him as to an opera. What matters is the melody. Fuck the libretto.

What is this world as weak as my heart?

Cruel and vast as my hate.

I'll never go with you anywhere.

Self-proclaimed as my misfortune. What is this horribly empty vessel?

Thank you. Shukran luk.

He's ogling you all night long. Talk to him.

Kaja, please, I used to live with six Pakis in a dorm.

Hey, mister?

Arabic!

She couldn't understand a thing, but she likes you, my friend.

Screw the goatfuckers, who humiliate women.

It's good he can't understand Polish.

I understand Polish, but my English is better.

See? He understands.

It's a beautiful country. Beautiful language.

- Beautiful women. - Thank you on behalf of Poland.

- I'm taking off, girls. - Where are you going?

- I have a hearing in the morning? Take it. - But...

I'll walk you home.

Are you out of your fucking mind? I'm not like that.

- Like what? - I don't fuck Arabs. I'm a feminist.

- I'm a feminist too. - Please.

Fuck me, what a junk.

Olga.

Hi, feminist.

Have you heard of "Me too"?

Should I press charges against you, rag head?

I have an extra job as an Uber driver.

- What's all this mess? - I live off a car.

- Shall I get you another driver? - No. Just go.

- Why don't you like Arabs? - You disrespect women.