Scare Package

Um, guys.

My map says that the camp site's to the right.

What, are you blind, Stacy?

That's where the insane asylum is.

Can't you read arrows?

I don't know, I just...

I really don't have a good feeling about this.

Let's go.

This weekend is all about no rules, no clothes,

and so cell service.

Drive, Zach.

And it's like that every time.

His instructions tell me to do bad things

and then get out of the movie.

That's my job.

It's not that bad, Mike.

Could you put these up a little?

- Yeah. - In front of the face.

- Okay. - If someone's coming at ya,

where you gonna put 'em?

Uh, here.

You gonna remember that?

Yes.

Up near the face.

I mean, first, they had me

planting satanic relics in attics.

Oh!

Then they made me do that movie

where I was a shady real estate agent.

Hope you enjoyed the tour.

This, uh... This is the best house on the market.

Trust me.

It just seems too good to be true.

Uh, hm...

Uh, no, no. I don't think it is, actually.

It's got a really average good-to-be-true, uh, ratio.

So, if we went to the library

and asked for newspaper clippings

regarding horrific events that occurred on the property,

they wouldn't have any?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's correct, my... my good friend.

Any newspaper after 1975

definitely wouldn't say... anything.

I mean, is there gonna be enough room

in the backyard for your greenhouse?

Mike...

There would be room in the basement for the train set.

Of course, the rooms upstairs...

Mike!

Hey!

- Whoo. - We'll take it.

Okay, I'll go get the contracts

so nobody can turn around... I mean, uh, back out.

So, let's just remain firm eye contact here

as we seal the deal.

Mike...

Do you even know how hard it is to curse a doll?

No.

Lot of steps.

I think I know what your problem is.

What?

You're looking for motivation.

Yeah. Yeah. Of course I am, Wendy.

You know, I'm a person. I need an arc.

You know, I want to do something more.

I want to do something good.

Yeah, but it's not your job.

You know, you're a cold opener.

You only have a few minutes to put all the pieces in place.

What am I supposed to do then?

You know, it's not like I get to come in at the end

and rescue the good guys and arrest the bad guys

and have freaking finale, you know, like some people.

You know, my job sucks sometimes, too.

I have never hit the heart or the brain.

Honestly, I've never hit a vital organ,

and I don't get it 'cause I'm always...

pointed right at the head, and then somehow,

it's always the left shoulder.

- I just... - Maybe, maybe

I could hit a vital organ?

You know, I just... I've never gotten the chance.

- Mike! - Sorry, sorry.

If you start fantasizing again,

I'm literally going to punch you in the face.

Oh.

Look, no offense, but you're not a character.

You're better off with what you have.

Mm...

This blows!

As if it wasn't bad enough

that we're babysitting on Halloween.

We just need to find the breaker box.

What was that?

It's okay! It's okay!

What do you want?!

Hi, I'm Mike.

I'm a... neighbor.

I just wanted, uh, to see if your power went out, too.

It did.

Thank you.

Good night.

It's just... C-C-Can we talk?

Uh, for a second.

I'm sorry I scared you.

I promise, I'm...

You can trust me.

If you're a neighbor, why haven't I seen you before?

I've been babysitting for the Patterson's for years.

A babysitter...

Of course. That's classic.

Excuse me?

And what's with your eye?

Is that some sort of Halloween costume thing?

Yeah, oh... That's right.

Definitely, um, a costume.

Anyways, I just heard some tussling over here

before the power out and just wanted to check in.

Well, we're fine.

Thank you.

Are you sure you didn't want like, you know,

someone to hang out

and, like, be all, "What was that?"

If there's a noise or...

That's okay.

I've got my best friend, Tess, here.

Hey, Tess.

Um, what about, like, a tough dude, you know,

if some crazy guy shows up?

I think you already have the crazy dude thing down.

Oh, no. No, no. I'm not...

I'm not crazy.

I'm, uh, I'm Mike.

I-I just want to help.

Hannah.

Talk in a second. Okay.

He did it. He cut the power.

Are you sure?

Look in his pocket.

Okay. I've got a plan.

Trust me.

Hey, Mike.

Want to come in for a sec?

Seems like you really want to hang out.

Boy, do I, yeah.

I'll be right back.

Okay. See ya, Tess.

She seems cool.

I'm so excited.

I've never gotten to do this before.

Do what?

Stick around this long.

You know, introduce my name and everything.

I even have a back story.

Mike, concerned neighbor.

That's great.

Yeah.

So, what do we do now?

Um...

Maybe help me find some candles?

They're in there.

Okay. Yep.

Oh, man, I'm gonna get fired for this.

Oh yeah?

Probably. Probably. But it's so worth it.

You know, Wendy was wrong.

You know, it's nice to have an arc

and feel like you're helping people

and doing some real good, yeah.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Oh, I can explain.

You better.

So my friend, Wendy, and I were boxing.

Well, she was boxing,

I was holding these weird oven mitt things,

and then I started to think, you know,

what if I could be the one to change my story,

and that's when...

And the sheers, yes.

I cut the power,

but, you know, what am I gonna do?

- Murder you? - You were gonna murder us?!

No, no, no.

I said, I'm not going to murder you.

Okay.

Tess!

Call the police, now!

This is just a misunderstanding.

Oh. Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Um, you okay?

Uh, Tess?

I think Hannah might need some help.

Do I take it out, or leave it in?

Uh...

Oh, no, no, no!

Uh, Tess, hello?

Man, I really hope you can't feel this.