A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Between desire and reality.

A bit.

Between fact and breakfast,

madness lies, lies, lies...

A bit.

I hate you, I hate you and yet...

I hate you...

As love, rage and aches of the ear.

Pretension by Fry and Laurie.

It's all over!

It's all over, finished!

Rotting away, finished, the sands of time dribbling onto the floor!

Decaying flesh, mortality, nothing!

No sound, just a brief pinprick of light

extinguished into a darkness for eternity!

Maggots crawling through the eye sockets of maggots, crawling through eye sockets.

Nothing but... Nothing but dried blood, and just a faint smell.

It's the end. It's over!

Yes. What my colleague is trying to say, is that this is the last in the current series

of A Bit of Fry and Laurie,

and that he's sorry it's over, and he's very grateful to you for allowing him into his home.

That's right. It's a very nice home. Thank you very much.

I love what you've done with it. I think you're right to leave the coffee table where it is.

If it is a coffee table, some of you prefer a tea table, I know. Whatever.

Whatever. This is, as I say, the last in the current series of Fry and Laurie.

And last shows, traditionally at the BBC, are allowed two bottles of champagne-style fluid,

to be distributed unequally amongst the audience.

- My colleague, would you care to do the honours? - Certainly will.

There's a... There's a mean streak inside you, isn't there?

- There is, actually, quite a mean streak, yes. - Yes, a very wide one.

Yes, hardly room for my body either side of it.

However, that's enough verbal rimming for the moment.

Time now to introduce our most very honoured,

guest-style units onto the show.

And, you know, first out of the guest box is a woman of great distinction.

She served 12 years in the rank of Lieutenant Colonel

in Iraq's elite Republican Guard,

before pitching her tent in the Vale of Tharkston,

where she makes some of the most revolting marmalade I've ever seen.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please make a clapping-style noise for Janine Duvitski.

Janine, Janine, Janine.

Janine, you look old, tired, badly dressed and in a hell of a state, generally.

- How do you feel? - Fine, thank you, Stephen.

- Oh, well, that's good to hear. - Janine, Janine, I...

There's something I've been absolutely dying to ask you

ever since I heard you were coming on the show. What's Tommy Steele really like?

Tommy Steele?

I believe that's what I said.

I don't know. I've never met him.

I'm sorry?

I've never met Tommy Steele.

- Yes, well, never mind that... - No, no, no. Hold on. Hold on.

I want to get this straight. You're saying you've never met Tommy Steele?

No.

Unbelievable.

Well, no time for recriminations, Hugh. Got to look to the future.

Oh! Is there one?

Get on with it.

Right. Okay. Well, it now falls to me

to pull open the drawer marked "Socks, Underpants and International Superstars,"

and pull out our next guest. He's a man of distinction,

three-times winner of the Benson & Hedges smoking competition.

He's got three convictions for shoplifting, and 17 for aggravated assault,

as well as a huge collection of skin.

It is of course, Robert Daws.

Oh, fantastic!

Welcome.

Robert, Robert. It's lovely to have you with us.

Now, tell me, tell me. Have you met Tommy Steele?

- No. - Why not?

Well, I don't know, I just never have.

"I don't know, I just never have."

Yes, well, never mind...

Jesus!

Right. Well, with the time fast approaching Crewe Junction, the driver dead,

the brake hoses rotted through by years of government neglect,

it's time to pack our comedy tote bags, bung a couple of condoms into the hip pocket,

and head for sketch land.

Tony Radcliffe is headmaster of Lanark Primary School in Thurloe.

The school has 84 pupils of mixed race, religion, gender and shoe size.

Mickey, don't do that. Cheers, mate.

So, how does he deal with religious instruction at the school's morning assembly?

# We worship you, O god of gods

# Whoever you may be

# We realise that you operate

# Supernaturally

# We thank you for the birds and bees

# For creatures live or dead

# But if you actually don't exist

# Then ignore what we've just said

# Ah #

Well, what I've tried to do, or, well, what we've tried to do, I should say,

is to develop a religious agenda

that serves the needs of the kids in a very real sense.

You must understand that we've got here, um... We've got Jewish kids,

we've got Buddhist kids, Hindu kids, Muslim kids, Christian kids,

atheistic kids, agnostic kids. What they've all got in common,

- is that they're all... - Kids?

Exactly. Exactly. Now that's very important.

So, obviously, any religious package that we offer

must take account of all those differences under a basic overarching umbrella.

Sorry. I don't know what happened there.

So, how do you manage this, in fact?

How do you accommodate all these differences?

Okay.

What we've done is to sweep away all the old divisions,

and basically invent an entirely new religion.

A new religion?

That's right. It's a kind of religious Esperanto, if you like.

Nope. I don't think I do.

Right. Well, we've called this religion Lip Whip Whip Whip.

"Lip Whip Whip Whip"?

And that's the name of your god, is it?

Uh, no, no. There is no one single god in Lip Whip Whip Whip.

So, it's a pantheon, is it?

I prefer to call it a committee.

It's a committee of gods. There are eight voting members,

and a non-executive chair who rotates every four years.

Mmm-hmm. And what do you worship in Lip Whip Whip Whip?

Okay. We worship air.

We worship flexible work-share schemes,

and we worship rounded corners on things.

Why rounded corners?

Well, they're a very important symbol

in Lip Whip... Lip Whip Whip...

Luke, probably not a good idea. Cheers, mate.

They're a very important symbol.

The kids here worship the one on the activity table in the art room.

Om. Om. Om.

Would you say, then, that Lip Whip Whip Whip has been a success?

I'll be as frank as I can. We've had some problems, I'm afraid.

Oh?

Yeah. Um...

Just yesterday, there was a kid in Mrs Tremlow's 2APCVXBW class.

Tristram. Funny kid.

He decided to form a sect that worshipped oblong surfaces.

Oh, dear.

Now, come on then, Tris. I'm very disappointed. What are you?

Hmm?

- I'm a heretic. - You're a heretic.

Okay. Now, everybody, what do we think about this? What shall we do with Tris?

Burn him! Burn him!

Burn him?

Yes! Yes!

Okay, okay. All right, then. That's settled. Tris, we're going to burn you

in the playground during morning break.

Now then, Anna, what's all this about you being a witch?

See these? Plant one of these, in about, oh, mid-July,

a bit of water, bit of compost, bit of love.

And about six months later,

you've got a nine-lane motorway running through your back garden.

Yes, I always remember this spot because it was right here...

This was the very first time that I saw my wife.

I was standing absolutely here.

And I remember thinking what an incredibly tiny woman she was.

Absolutely tiny. She was...

about that size. Tiny little thing.

It was only weeks later, as I got to know her, that I realised that that was, of course,

because she was a long way away.

The things they say, eh? The things they say.

My youngest, she said to me the other day, she said, "Daddy, why are there wars?

"Why do people kill each other and fight?"

I said, "Rebecca, darling,

"shut your face and watch the video, or I'll belt you one."

Basically, I go around schools. You know, I sit in with the kids,

'cause I'm trying to learn French.

- Are you gonna start then, Richard? - Probably better if I start, Nick, yes.

That way we can thrash out the position in broad terms,

- and then we'll know where we stand. - That'll be the best way.

- I think so, Nick. I really do. - Go you on, then.

Well, the position is that my client wishes, in broad terms...

- "Broad terms"? - Broad terms at this stage, Nick, yes.

I think we can thrash out specifics later.

My client wishes to engage in a bout of protracted sexual intercourse with your client.

- Yeah. Can I just chip in here, Richard? - Chip away, chip away.

Probably gonna save a bit of time if I tell you that my client is keen

to proceed along the lines of the standard pre-coital agreement,

with just one or two riders and emendations.

Ah, well, then, in that case, my client is very anxious to expedite matters

- as swiftly as possible. - Yeah. How swiftly would that be, Richard?

Well, my client was thinking in terms of along the next half hour.

Yes. My client would like it clearly understood that she's not easy.

Yes, my client is fully aware that your client is not easy, Nick.

In fact, he wishes me to stress that he has enormous respect for your client

as a woman, in a variety of personal, non-sexual ways.

My client is reassured by your client's position.

And I'd like to know how your client intends to proceed.

Well, my client was thinking in general terms

of dinner at the Bombay Brasserie, after which, at some mutually agreeable time,

he would like to put his tongue inside your client's mouth, and move it around slightly.

That is more than acceptable to my client.

My client then suggests putting a hand up your client's skirt and having...

a bit of an old feel.

Mmm.

Which hand would that be, Richard?

My client has not yet decided on the hand.

Okay. Well, that's fine. If you could just fax us with that, when you get...

No problem, no problem. "Fax Nick which hand up skirt."

I should say that after your client has put his hand up my client's skirt,

my client reserves the right to moan slightly.