Amateur Night

Hey, it's Guy Carter.

I just... I just wanted to touch base

and let you know that it was...

it was amazing meeting you last week.

I felt really good about it and umm...

I hope you did too.

So...

I look forward to talking to you soon.

Okay, bye.

Hey there, it's Guy Carter again.

Just wondering if there's any news.

You said I'd hear by Monday at the latest and...

it's now Friday.

I don't mean to keep bugging you,

but you basically said I had the job.

Hey, hi, I just... I was thinking,

if it's easier for you to text or to e-mail,

that's totally cool.

Hey, it's Guy Carter. It's Guy Carter, again.

Oh, it's Guy Carter.

I don't want you to lose out on getting me.

I'm still at the same number.

Recording has been paused due to silence.

Okay, now I'm pissed.

How do you not call someone back

who interviewed three times

and who you said was a shoe-in?

How do you not hire someone

who you said had the best book you'd ever seen?

I deserve this job.

I can only assume the reason you're not calling me back

is because you're too busy...

chomping on huge dicks.

It's just a big dick breakfast over there.

Dick omelets and dick pancakes.

Scrambled dick. Dick Benedict.

All you can eat dick. Would you like another mimosa with your dick?

There's a dick carving station.

You're just grabbing as much dick.

Oh no, that's okay, I'm fine with my dick.

Your plate is filled with dick

and then your mouth is filled.

In fact, it's so full of dick,

that I can't pick up the phone and make a simple...

Guy. Rob Veckmann.

The reason I didn't call you

is because my wife's been plowing my business partner.

They took over the company and fired me.

Oh, man.

Oh, that's... Wow! I had no idea.

Yeah, there's a lot you don't know. Dick.

Rob? Rob?

You alright in here, chief?

How long have you been standing there?

Long enough to hear the dick buffet.

Guy...

you're making yourself crazy.

How's the crib coming along?

It's getting there.

You know, not assembling that thing

isn't gonna stop her from coming out of me.

Why would I want to stop her?

Although, I mean, I guess I wouldn't be totally upset

if she held off another eight months.

That's funny. I was thinking if she came sooner,

like say, before Tuesday,

we'd still have health insurance to cover it.

What is that supposed to mean?

Umm...

Well, pretty much what it sounds like.

Wait? Are you... You're serious.

Anne? How are you just telling me this now?

I don't... You were so stressed out

I didn't wanna make it worse.

It looked like the Resource thing was happening,

so I didn't mention it.

But now, I'm mentioning it.

They have to give you some sort of grace period, right?

They did. It ends Tuesday.

I mean, I assumed you'd be working by now.

Yeah. Well, we dropped the ball on that one.

I'm sorry, "we"? Meaning me?

You quit your job.

Because we got pregnant.

I can't talk about this right now.

I'm gonna make tea.

Anne...

Here.

What is this?

I found it on Craigslist.

It's the only thing remotely realistic.

Now If you studied dental hygiene,

that would really open up our options.

You want me to be a delivery guy?

I want you to be anything if it pays the insurance by Tuesday.

That will buy us another month,

unless of course you want me to call my parents

and ask for more money again.

It is an option.

No. No, it is not an option, Anne.

I don't wanna go into labor and find out the "repo man"

towed my car out of the driveway.

There's no such thing as the "repo man."

Of course there is.

Have you ever seen a repo man...

not counting the Emilio Estevez movie?

Guy, I'm not gonna argue the existence of repo men

because they're real.

What do they come with, a tow truck

or a fleet of unicorns?

My half-brother's mom Sandy,

said that she had her car taken

and I believe it was by a repo man, okay?

What? They are not... I might throw up on you.

You're not gonna throw up on me.

A little bit.

Why don't you go lie down and I'll bring you something? Okay?

Go! Go lay down, I'll bring you something.

They're real.

Here you go.

For your tummy.

Sorry for being such a baby.

I know you're frustrated.

It's just so stupid.

I'm supposed to have my ducks in a row by now.

Maybe it's okay to not have your ducks in a row.

It's not okay. Ducks have to be in a row.

Have you ever seen ducks? They're sorta crazy.

They like to run around, do shit.

No, I don't... Not my ducks.

My ducks are different than your ducks.

Mine are not running around and crazy.

They have an objective, they have a plan.

They wanna get somewhere in life.

Then they're like walking in a line,

otherwise known as a row.

Honey, oww.

Then call the number.

Word up?

Oh. Hey. Um...

I'm calling about your ad.

You got a car?

- Yes. - Does it run?

Meet me at Fat Burger in West Hollywood.

Umm... okay.

Oh, a question...

This may be a little premature,

but are there benefits?

Plenty.

P, L, E, N, T, Y, my man.

My bad.

Yeah. Um-hm. What he do?

Scraping the guardrail doesn't necessarily mean he was wasted.

Oh. You got me there.

Okay, yeah, no. I'll tell him,

"No more shootin' up in the car."

But, fret not, I got a buddy that will drive you.

Um-hm. About six foot.

Serious, clean. Like a cop.

No, he's not a real cop.

I can promise you he will not hit on you.

How do I know? 'Cause he's gay.

Gay as fuck.

Real gay.

No, he got a sweet ride.

A Volvo.

Yeah, yeah.

Don't get pissy with me. I'm trying to hook you up.

Sit.

Okay, bye.

You O negative?

No, I'm...

I'm not talking to you. Uh-huh.

Right. Are you O negative?

No, I'm... I'm not talkin' to you. Hold up.

All right, I love you too. Bye.

You the one just called?

Yeah, I'm Guy.

I'm Zoley. Congratulations. You're hired.

Okay... Well, what am I gonna be driving?

Pizzas? Dry cleaning? What?

Girls. The first one's named Nikki.

Huh.

You didn't mention that in your ad.

It's all above board, man.

You're not doin' anything illegal,

you're just drivin' a car.

Pickin' up, droppin' off.

Easy as cake.

What are the benefits?

Well, you play your cards right,

there can be all kinds of benefits.

Know what I'm sayin'?

Guy, you about this life, or what?

No, no no no... I'm... Yes... I'm...

I'm about this life.

Okay, all right. Mm-hmm. Okay, sweet.

Here's where she's at.

Oh, whoa. Now? You want me to start now?

Right now, yes. Nikki is waitin'.