Ted Lasso

Right.

Who the hell are you?

Oh, hi! Hello. I'm... I'm Will. I'm the new clubhouse attendant.

No, you're not. I'm the clubhouse attendant.

Hey, Higgins, where are you?

Ted, what the fuck's going on?

I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out myself.

- Figure what out? Have I been sacked? - Has he been fired?

I don't know anything about this, Ted.

- There you are. - There you are.

- Is this because I called Isaac a pussy? - I don't know...

Good morning, everyone.

You shrew. You did this, didn't you?

Why so hostile, Nathan?

Right, I'll tell you why...

You know my name?

Well, I had to spell it correctly for your contract.

Nate-dawg, you haven't been fired. It's worse.

You've been promoted.

Nate! Nate! Nate!

- Ooh. -

Nathan Shelley, I present to you this whistle.

But it is sad. Do you know why?

- No. - Because it has never been blown.

Is that the same reason why Colin's sad?

By the power vested in me by the Associative Football Club of Richmond,

I now pronounce you Coach Nate.

- - Thanks a lot. Thank you.

- - No, no! Not inside.

Sorry. Sorry.

It got confusing, 'cause they don't call it jock itch here.

So you didn't know what spray to buy?

- Yeah. - Yeah. What'd you go with?

Mr Muscle.

Huh.

Hey, Roy.

Not sure if you know this, but the rules say you gotta pick a new captain.

Oh.

No, sir. You're my captain. That's the rule.

No. The, uh, captain has to be on the pitch. That's the rule.

I say that the current captain has to pick the new captain.

That's my new rule.

Don't want to.

Well, you have to.

- I decline. - I insist.

Can't make me.

Roy Kent, until you choose your successor,

your duties as captain of this squad remain unfulfilled.

This is why it's hard to love you.

Oh.

You heard it, right?

He loves you.

All right, gang. Here's the unskinny bop.

Manchester City is coming into our house for the final match,

but preparation-wise, we gonna treat it like it's any other game.

But it's not just any other game. We could get relegated.

We got relegated when I was at Cardiff. It's my family's team.

My nana never spoke to me after that.

She just left me a box of her shit in her will.

Yeah, and when clubs go down, teams get broken up.

Coach, do they not have relegation in America?

Oh, no, no, no.

So what happens to all the shit teams at the end of the season?

They play out the rest of the schedule,

going through the motions in meaningless games

contested in lifeless, half-empty stadiums,

and everyone's pretty much fine with that.

- That sound about right, Coach? - Yeah, it's dumb.

- All right. Now, Coach Nate... -

No, no, no.

- Not... No, not here. - Not inside.

I was saying, now Coach Nate has a video he wants to show.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Okay. So, um, I thought you'd all find this, uh, motivational.

All right.

Amigo Jamie.

- Clearly no barbers in Manchester. -

Well, I'd never say a bad word about me old club...

even though I did carry them through every match.

But they're good lads.

Apart from Roy Kent. He is a knob.

You know, and it's nice to have a real manager like Pep,

instead of that American rodeo clown.

You know, Lasso sent me away, now they're facing the drop.

Sunday, I get to put the final nail in the ashes.

Instant karma, it's gonna get ya.

Oops, innit?

Well said.

All right, let's go climb that mountain!

Okay, so if the Premier League is the best,

then what's the league called right below it?

The Championship.

Now, hold on one second. So if you come in last place in the Premier League,

you get to play in the Championship?

- They also invented irony. -

Man, this town has got a weird way with words, don't it?

I mean, come on, y'all. It's 2020. Let's just call 'em cigarettes.

- Oh, God, yeah. - You know what I mean?

Hey. How you doing, fellas?

We, uh, just wanted to say thanks.

Yeah, we know you did your best.

Even though your best is still shit.

- Baz. - Oh, come on, now.

You're acting like we lost the game already, yeah?

Why don't you have a little hope?

Aw, Ted. Haven't you lived here long enough to realize?

It's the hope that kills you.

Why don't you text Nate? We got a little work to do tonight, huh?

Okay, come on. We got this. Look, we win, we're in, okay?

There is a scenario where Crystal Palace beat Norwich by six goals,

and we avoid relegation with just a tie.

No, no, no. Nope. Sorry. Uh-uh.

No. I hate ties, Nate.

How many times I gotta tell you that? They ain't natural, all right?

If God wanted games to end in a tie,

she wouldn't have invented numbers, all right?

Come on, guys. Let's fire up. Let's go.

For the love of Meghan Markle, do not blow that whistle again, Nate. I swear.

- Sorry. - I got neighbors upstairs,

and they will just start stomping away. Okay?

Come on. Tell me how we beat Manchester City.

- We cannot beat Manchester City. - Dang it, Nate!

That is not what I want to hear from my assistant coach on his first day.

It is hopeless.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's hopeless?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Quick question. Are those the only clothes you own?

This? No, I got three of these.

That ring a bell, Nate? That ring a very large bell in your head?

You had that hanging in your home?

I got a ton of these hanging up in here. This one's from the bathroom mirror.

It's the first thing I see every morning, and it's the last thing I see at night

when I rationalize being too tired to floss.

Belief can't score goals, Coach.

Well, hello, Nelson.

Let me introduce you to another Nelson right here.

I think you two will hit it off just fine, 'cause you're both so damn pessimistic!

Sorry, Ms. Shipley!

I believe the gentleman is suggesting that we are a pair of Negative Nellies.

Oh, right.

Jackpot.

Morning, boss. Here you are.

Oh. Ted. I sense you're carrying around something today besides biscuits.

Good eye, small fry.

I hate to say it, Rebecca,

but I think your football club might have been better off with a soccer coach.

Where's this coming from?

Look, if we do end up losing on Sunday,

you just go ahead and do whatever you think is best for the future of this club,

you understand?

Even if that means this guy's gotta go...

You know, you put that thing, and just... You know, whatever you got.

Whatever you wanna do. I mean, don't really murder me,

but, you know, just... All that. You get what I'm getting at?

- Fire me. You get the gist. Yeah. - Okay. Okay.

So you think you're not a "proper" football manager.

Someone who's never played the game before, or knows the rules.

No, I don't know jack diddly about any of it.

But who cares? There's a great saying in Dutch football.

Oh, I don't speak Dutch.

That's why I was going to tell you in English.

Perfect. Lay it on me.

"Every disadvantage has its advantage."

Ooh, I like that.

Sure, you don't know what you're doing,

but doesn't that mean that you see the game in a different way

than any other football manager?

And shouldn't that empower you to cause complete and utter confusion?

Cause confusion or create chaos.

Yep. Yes, it is. Thanks, boss.

Whoo-hoo!

I'm fine.

Oh, my God.

The chaos has already begun. Whoo!

All right, gentlemen. School is in session.

And today's lesson is "trick plays."

At least, that's what we call 'em back home.

- What do they call 'em here again? - Elaborate set pieces.

Yeah, we gonna stick with "trick plays." That's a lot more fun.

Now, the idea behind every trick play

is to have chaos rain down upon your opponents and stun them.

Much like the lava did to those poor folks in Pompeii.

So, I want y'all to think about every single trick play you have ever run

your entire time playing this sport. Anybody got one?

Yeah, Dani, what you got?

When I played for Tigres, we had a great set piece.

- Did it have a name? - "The Sandman."

- Yeah. Now we're cooking. "The Sandman." -

We're gonna learn that play today. Who else got one?

- "Pepper Shakers." - "Pepper Shakers"?

Yeah, plural. Gotta be two.

"Beckham's Todger."

Beckham, I know. Todger, I don't know.

- It's dirty. - Okay.

"Midnight Poutine."

- Poutine? - That's not dirty.

It's just super Canadian.

- "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." - Oh, with Dick Van Dyke.

The owner of one of the most authentic English accents in the history of cinema.

- What do you got? - "The Broken Tap."