South Park

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South Park Season13 Episode06

All right. That's 2. 8 centimeters.

Should give us a drag of only. 6 milliseconds.

Hold the front here,stan.

Hey,guys,it's almost 2:00 a.m.

We know.

Well,it's way past time for bed.

Sharon,stan's pinewood derby race is tomorrow!

Do you have any idea how important this is to him?

Stan is not gonna lose to the goddamn hollises again!

Well,it's just a block of wood and some wheels.

I don't think there's much more you can do with it.

That's 'cuz you're a chick! Now just leave us alone!

Don't worry,son. The hollises are not beating us this year.

I went and got something to put inside our car and make it go extra fast!

Dad,we're not allowed to add anything to the car that doesn't come in the approved kit,remember?

Stan,how do you think the hollises beat us every year?

I'm sure they put lead in the wood or something.

We're just leveling the playing field.

- There. - What is it?

It's uh -- it's nothing really.

Tom,i'm standing outside the hadron particle super collider in switzerland,where authorities

Are shocked and baffled over the theft of a sup conducting bending magnet

created for use in tests with particle acceleration.

Oh,no. He didn't.

The superconducting magnet was stolen sometime last week.

Surveillance cameras were able to record the theft on tape and police

Are now looking for princess leia organa of alderaan.

Caught here in these photos,the troubled rebel princess Is seen taking the superconducting magnet

and then appearing disoperated as she tries to find her way out.

If you have any information of princess leia's whereabouts,

Please call your local police department.

All right,scouts and dads.******

And it looks like our next heat is ready to go.

Three,two,one,race!

2.1 seconds for tommy bretz!

Looks like we have a new leader,folks.

All right!

All right,stan. We're gonna need to check in and have our car inspected to qualify.

Now,son,daddy needs to teach you something very important about tells.

Tells?

When you tell them you only used the approved kit,

Don't look up and away,don't rub your neck and don't touch your ear.

Otherwise,they'll know you're lying to them. All right.

When you need to lie just don't look up and away,rub your neck or touch your ear.

Dad,maybe we should just take out the thing you put in the car --

Son,you have to learn how to lie correctly some day.

Might as well be today. All right?

I love you,son.

Looks good. Thank you and good luck today.

All right. Next,please.

Name?

It's uh -- marsh.

All right. Car weighs in at 15 ounces.

Do you hereby swear that you used parts in the official pinewood derby kit

And only parts in the official pinewood derby kit?

Yes,i do. Yes,i do.

Yes,i do.

All right,young man. Good luck today.

Oooh,yes!

Well,well. Look,son,it's the marshes.

Hey,hollis. You guys race already?

No,little emmett hasn't gone yet.

Think they're saving the best for last.

Clocked her in at home at 1.5 seconds.

It's the fastest car we've ever built.

1.5?

The time to beat is 1.9 seconds.

May we please have -- brewster,marsh,jarvis and hollis.

Only fitting our boys should be going head-to-head for their match,hey,marsh?

C'mon,stan. You can do this!

All right,kids,are you ready?

Here we go. Last race for the state championship in three,two,one,go!

You got it,emmett!

oh,yeah! Oh,yeah!

Suck on that,hollis!

This is 9 news at 10:00.

A colorado boy and his father have set a new record at the pinewood derby.

Stan and randy marsh not only broke a speed record,

But actually appear to have bent time and space and discovered warp speed.

A parade was held for the winners earlier today.

And already offers for commercials and endorsement deals for the father and son

appear to be pouring in.

Dad,i just you to know I still love you.

He's okay. He's okay. He's okay. He's okay.He's okay.

- stan marsh? - Yeah.

I'm agent clark and this is agent marx.

We'd like to talk to you about your pinewood derby car.

Aw,crap. Dad!

Young man,what we're about to tell you is a matter of national security.

Yesterday,every government and embassy on earth was contracted by an alien life force.

Alien?

Apparently the alien came across your pinewood derby car and is now heading here to our planet.

What does it want?

We believe that they intend to welcome us into the galactic federation of planets.

They will want to meet the people who discovered warp speed for our species.

Stan,did you use all the damn toilet paper again?

Oh,crap! What? What the you guys want?

We said we only used what was in the kit!

You got nothing on us.

You got nothing on us!

Dad,they aren't here for that!

Hi,i'm randy marsh.

Mr. Marsh,we were just telling your son that thanks to you,

We have made first contact with alien life.

What?

Hey,hey,sharon!

Nasa has confirmed that an alien ship has entered our solar system and is headed here.

So guess what?

Our pinewood derby car found alien life in space.

What? Oh,my god.

Yeah. But I guess it's just a dumb race like you said,huh,sharon.

The world holds its breath as an alien ship prepares to land.

Now that our planet has achieved warp speed,

we are about to be welcomed into the universal society.

All thanks to a father and son who broke the warp barrier,

Using only the parts in this pinewood derby car kit.

Mr. Marsh,you are on with with all the world leaders.

Hello?

Godspeed,mr. Marsh.

The nation of france is with you!

Good ruck wis arien,missa marsh!

Prease say harro from a china!

Uh,okay. Stand by. I think it's -- I think it's landing.

Our first encounter with extraterrestrial life is about to happen.

Will it be like in "star trek: First contact"?

Or will it be more like "contact" with jodie foster?

I seek the life forms that made this.

That's ours,mr. Alien.

We are the marshes. Randy and stan.

Oh,yeah?

You're gonna build me another one,see?

He's got a gun!

Everyone down on the ground!

Get those hands up! Let me see those hands! Do it now!

I mean it! Show me those hands!

I'm baby fark mcgee-zax!

The greatest gangster this universe has ever seen,right?

You can't threaten us!

Who wants it next,huh?

Anyone else on this planet want to be a hero?

What do you want?

I'm on the lamb!

I got the entire federation of planets after me,but they ain't gonna catch me. You got that?

They might have busted my warp drive,but you obviously know how to make 'em!

Screw this guy! He can't take out all of us!

I can kill any mug on this two bit planet I want!

Abunaiii!

You build me a new warp drive or you'll all gonna get it,see?

Fine! He can build you what you want.

All he needs is the official pinewood derby kit. Right,marsh?

Uh,yeah. That's all we used,huh,stan?

Oh,boy.

Okay. Let's put the wheels on now,son.

What's taking so long? You're stalling!

C'mon,randy. Just build him the warp drive and he'll leave us alone!

We're working on it.

Dad,dad,you know we can't make the car go as fast as before with only the approved pinewood derby kit.

Yeah,thanks,stan. I know that!

Well,we have to tell him we used something outside the kit!

Do you have any idea how stupid that will make us look?

All right. That does it!

Hello?

He just blew up our government building! You've got to hurry!

Mr. Marsh,why won't you finish the pinewood derby car?

Will you just give us a minute,gal!

C'mon,dad. We gotta come clean!

zats! It's the intergalactic police!

What?

You better get rid of 'em or your whole planet is gonna get it,see?

You tell 'em you ain't seen nothing. You got that?

I ain't going to space jail!

Excuse us,earthlings,but we've been in pursuit of a criminal from xenon galaxy.

Fella by the name of baby fark mcgee-zax.

Uh,no. We haven't seen anything.

Wel,you think anyone else on your planet might have seen him?

Uh,actually,i happen to be on the phone with all the world leaders. I can ask.

Uh,yeah,listen,these police aliens are here and they're wondering