Breaking In

Come to Papa.

Where are you? Where are you?

150 bucks well spent!

Cash, there's nothing in there.

Nothing in here? This is Sue Storm. Hello!

Fantastic Four? The Invisible Woman?

You paid $150 for a box of air?

I know, right? Half price.

What do you even do with it?

That.

Dude, where does it end?

There's always gonna be something bigger, better, geekier.

You're buying something else right now, aren't you?

Uh, not buying. Bidding.

Behold. The limited edition Marty Mcfly self-lacing sneakers

from Back to the Future II.

Aside from owning a DeLorean

or kidnapping Michael J. Fox, there's no bigger collectible

for the B to the F enthusiast.

You're bidding on $300 sneakers?

I wish. $3,000.

What?

Damn! Biff1985 just raised it $500.

Okay, it's go time.

No, no. It's stop time. Stop. Stop.

You live with your mom, okay?

You can't even afford to supersize at lunch.

This is not... I... I can't watch this.

Don't listen to him, Red Hulk.

He doesn't understand us.

What? $4,000?

No, I really shouldn't. I just...

Oops.

Armor Safe Transpo.

They own half the armored trucks in California.

They want to upgrade their fleet.

We're gonna go in fast and furious,

and we are gonna win this job.

"No" is not an option.

All right. Just so you know,

I'm going commando down here, so if you need me to pull

a Sharon Stone, just give me the nod.

Um, uh, should we establish a bit of, uh, a game plan

for the presentation? Who speaks first?

I know a bit of, uh, an icebreaking joke.

Do you?

Oh, God, no. No jokes are necessary.

I've already laid the groundwork with Alonso.

All we're here to do is sign the papers

- and collect a large check. - Got it?

Oh, you cocky bastard. Let's close this!

Great idea. Let's keep everything closed.

Shaw.

Oz. My brotha.

Looking good for your age.

'Sup, ladies? Henry Shaw. Double Dragon Security.

Looks like we're going for the same client, huh?

Sucks for you, 'cause this young stud just took your job.

If I were you, I'd buy a new trapper keeper,

slip your compass and protractor inside,

and don't be late for the bus,

'cause you just got schooled.

Am I a pimp or what?

Fly's open, baby.

Must be real dark times for you, huh, Ferris?

Mmm.

Yeah. Oz's first name is Ferris.

Kinda kills the illusion, doesn't it?

Son of a fricken-fracken...

Son of your frism!

Uh-oh. Oz is fricken-fracken. What is going on?

Well, we lost the job.

Yeah, we got snaked by some power tool named Shaw.

He who must not be named!

You saw he who must not be named?

Who the hell is Shaw?

He who must not be named?

Oh, man. This is heavy. What did Oz do to him?

He... He didn't do anything.

Little bastard.

What... What's happening?

I'll tell you what's happening.

I am getting ready to rock your world.

Okay, listen, we're not supposed to talk about him,

but Shaw used to be our star hacker.

He and Oz were very close.

Whoa. Looks like you guys were pretty close, too.

They used to give each other back rubs in public.

It was a little extremely gay.

Man, it was over the shirt.

Anyways, then came the great betrayal...

Shaw secretly opened his own company,

and he stole all of Contra's files.

Friendship, betrayal, sabotage...

I know just what this man needs.

Come on. Take the hug. Now talk to me.

Fine! You want me to talk?

I hate that little pimple.

You see that sword up there?

Uh-uh. Exactly.

The sword that should be there

belonged to my father and his father before him,

who stole it off a wall of a sushi restaurant in Oakland.

It meant the world to me, which is why I gave it

to my friend and protege Henry Shaw...

Oh!

Man, that is so sharp!

Let me see. How could you not warn me?

Then he used it to stab me in the back,

right about where your bony chin is sticking in.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I didn't know that, Oswald. Well, from here on out,

we avoid that little dickweed at all costs.

No. No, that's not how I do things, V.

I admit, Shaw did take me off my game,

but the Oz-Man is back in charge.

Next time, I'll be ready for him.

Attaboy, Ferris.

Thrilled to see you glommed on to that one, V.

Okay. It's you and me, Biff.

One more minute to go,

and those kicks of the future are mine.

What? Cats? Oh, man. Aw.

Sorry, pal. Couldn't let you do it,

so I hijacked your browser.

Dude, I know you're my best friend,

but I will physically fight you.

I think I'll be fine.

You're right.

I don't even know what I was thinking.

Thanks for the lookout.

Won it!

You spent $6,000?

Dude, you made me panic,

so I hit the "buy it now" button.

What? Oh, so this is my fault?

Ow! Are you out of your mind?

You don't have six grand!

Dude, you hit me in my allergy shot,

and I may not have six grand, but you know what I do have?

I have 169 IQ I'm Mensa, bitch!

I got revenue streams coming in that you can't even comprehend!

Okay.

Let's do this.

The cinnamon challenge.

I saw a guy do this online, and he went into shock.

Here we go.

Whoa.

Mmm.

Sorry. No swallow, no money.

Yeah!

I'm so boned.

Erasing all my stuff? That's not even a thing.

Shaw-zam!

You'd better soak some soft gauze

in aloe vera and have a nurse apply it

in a layered fashion, 'cause you just got burned!

Fly's open, dude.

Whatever.

Cage may be open, but the beast is still asleep.

Ah, lovely. It seems I have a visitor.

Carol, handcuffs!

Don't want to go to jail for nerdicide.

I didn't come here to fight you, Ferry.

I actually came here to reconnect.

An old friend of yours wants to say hello.

It's your sword.

We're very close.

Here's me and swordy in Maui

and me and swordy getting a lap dance.

Oh, me and swordy making a chopped salad.

Well, don't worry. I didn't dull him or anything,

'cause actually I also still use him to do a little manscaping.

- Oh! - Oh, my God.

Damn my escape training! Aah!

Wait, wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Aah!

Let's reboot this.

Listen, when I totally skunked you on that armored car job,

I realized...

I want all your jobs,

so what do you say you and I make a little wager...

My client list for yours?

You know I won't do that.

Come on. It's just one teensy-weensy little bet.

It'll be just like the old days.

You can pick the game. Poker, high card.

Hell, I'll even arm wrestle you for it.

It's not gonna happen, Shaw.

What? Why? Just rip his arm off.

Look at them. They're like straws.

Hey! Hey!

No can do-ey.

I knew it.

Looks like you're gonna have to head down

to your local one-hour photo shop and ask 'em to leave

the negatives of your vacation pics

in the developing fluid a little longer,

'cause you've been exposed!

Unh!